T Nation

Leaving Behind My Best Friend

Its not going to be an easy decision. I’m 30 years old, he’s 29 and we’ve known each other since grade school.

Thing is though after high school I went to college a degree in exercise science as well as the CSCS certification and he just went absolutely nowhere. The guy is really into video games which is cool because I like playing video games too. However, he’s also really into some creepy anime stuff that seems aimed at pedophiles, he also is part of the “brony” sub-culture which literally is adult men who are into the little girls show “My Little Ponies.”
I figure most of this stuff is harmless but the problem is he doesn’t have a life which surrounds any of it!

He’s 29 years old and still lives with his parents.

He’s currently unemployed and the last job he had was at Wal-Mart, he’s been unemployed for about a year and a half.

He ONLY JUST got his driver’s license a few months ago and he acts like its the greatest accomplishment of his life, sadly he has a bit of a point.

He’s told me he wants to become a personal trainer like me and I was thrilled at the idea of helping him out. I also have the certification materials for ACE which doesn’t require a college degree so I happily lent him my study materials. He seemed really determined to study and get certified and get a job in the fitness industry which made me think he’s finally getting his life around.

Problem is that was 2 years ago! ACE is one of the most piss-easy certifications to get and he keeps telling me how worried he is since he’s never been good at taking tests. He blogs on Facebook about his determination to become an ACE-certified trainer but whenever I bring it up with him or offer to help teach him the material he quickly changes the subject to anime, conventions, and video games.

I know it sounds like the answer should be obvious but this guy is literally like a brother to me, he’s just been such a complete loser in his adult life and I wish there was something I could do to help him.

Does anyone know anybody like this or has ever met someone like this? Is there any hope?

Thanks.

How the FUCK did you ever become friends with this mongoloid in the first place and why has it taken this long to ditch the fucking loser?

[quote]Madtytecurls wrote:
Its not going to be an easy decision. I’m 30 years old, he’s 29 and we’ve known each other since grade school.

Thing is though after high school I went to college a degree in exercise science as well as the CSCS certification and he just went absolutely nowhere. The guy is really into video games which is cool because I like playing video games too. However, he’s also really into some creepy anime stuff that seems aimed at pedophiles, he also is part of the “brony” sub-culture which literally is adult men who are into the little girls show "My Little Ponies."
I figure most of this stuff is harmless but the problem is he doesn’t have a life which surrounds any of it!

He’s 29 years old and still lives with his parents.

He’s currently unemployed and the last job he had was at Wal-Mart, he’s been unemployed for about a year and a half.

He ONLY JUST got his driver’s license a few months ago and he acts like its the greatest accomplishment of his life, sadly he has a bit of a point.

He’s told me he wants to become a personal trainer like me and I was thrilled at the idea of helping him out. I also have the certification materials for ACE which doesn’t require a college degree so I happily lent him my study materials. He seemed really determined to study and get certified and get a job in the fitness industry which made me think he’s finally getting his life around.

Problem is that was 2 years ago! ACE is one of the most piss-easy certifications to get and he keeps telling me how worried he is since he’s never been good at taking tests. He blogs on Facebook about his determination to become an ACE-certified trainer but whenever I bring it up with him or offer to help teach him the material he quickly changes the subject to anime, conventions, and video games.

I know it sounds like the answer should be obvious but this guy is literally like a brother to me, he’s just been such a complete loser in his adult life and I wish there was something I could do to help him.

Does anyone know anybody like this or has ever met someone like this? Is there any hope?

Thanks.

[/quote]

I had a buddy like this, not as close but he was a loser in “life.” Didn’t go to school, only worked like 20 hours a week, lazy as hell. I dropped him as a friend after I got tired of all his nonsense. He did things on top of being lazy and so on but why be around someone that will only bring you down and is always making excuses. Honestly, it wasn’t that hard. I didn’t agree with his choices and so to me it was an easy decision. Like I said before we probably weren’t as close as you two are but oh well.

This phase has stuck with me ever since my grade school PE teacher said it to me. I think it applies in a lot of problems in life. “Surround yourself with good people.”

I became friends with him a LONG ass time ago. I was a pretty physically fit kid and he was a bit scrawny and got picked on. I got sick of seeing people give him shit for no reason so I stood up for him and took the time to get to know him. He’s actually the one who introduced me to a lot of nerd culture things like video games, Magic the Gathering. It made me a bit of an anomaly in high school. I was a jock, specifically I was a track athlete and a ice hockey player but at the same time I also hung out with the nerd crew since my friend’s interests rubbed off on me.

he wasn’t a very good student but frankly neither was I. I graduated high school with about a 2.5 GPA but when I got into college I really loved it and had a GPA 3.5 and higher. I tried to convince him to enroll telling him about how college is so much better since there is so much stuff you can choose from but he kept making excuses like "I don’t do well with memorization, studying blah blah."
The guy is fortunate that he has fairly wealthy parents. I’m really good friends with his parents to and they almost consider me like a son.

I think I have to consider the prospect that maybe I need to grow up a bit myself and leave this guy behind but I don’t want to do so without knowing I have done what I can as his best friend to help him in every way I can.

I have offered to be his teacher basically to help him learn the ACE certification. I’m going to go everything like biomechanics, exercise physiology and explain things to him in terms he can understand so he can pass the test.

He keeps saying “oh I’m going to do it eventually.” He’s now telling me he’ll try after this anime convention next month but he’s delayed like this before.

Just start asking him to hang out in the morning and I’m sure he’ll stop calling you real fast. Guys like him don’t wake up till the crack of noon.

[quote]Nards wrote:
Just start asking him to hang out in the morning and I’m sure he’ll stop calling you real fast. Guys like him don’t wake up till the crack of noon.[/quote]

Thing is I’m not really looking for an excuse to stop hanging out with him, he’s a fun guy to hang out with especially when it comes to enjoying a beer on the weekend while playing Rayman Origins or Mortal Kombat.
A part of me is telling me that I shouldn’t give a shit what he does in his personal life because its none of my business but I can’t help but feel irritated that he’s doing this shit to himself and I don’t want to be part of it.

I think if I am going to stop hanging out with him I’m going to have to explain exactly why and maybe hope it inspires him to get his life together.

Also, I just don’t get his fascination with anime. My friend got me into a lot of things like card games, PNP RPGs, video games, etc but I never got into the whole anime thing.

The only anime I have ever liked and continue to like today is Dragonball Z. I think other animes just have too much randomness and fan-service, I just can’t get into it.

I wouldn’t make a big deal about it but when you see a 29 year old man who lives in his parent’s basement with anime wall scrolls all over his bedroom it makes me wonder if anime has somehow made him the way he is.

does he have a neckbeard?

[quote]Madtytecurls wrote:
I wouldn’t make a big deal about it but when you see a 29 year old man who lives in his parent’s basement with anime wall scrolls all over his bedroom it makes me wonder if anime has somehow made him the way he is.[/quote]

No. Parental coddling did.

How the fuck do you become 29 without at least a community college education or education in some particular trade in this day and age if you’re not living in abject poverty?

Sounds like an individual who never understood adversity and never felt the drive to achieve something.

I am 27 I have anime scrolls on my walls…know plenty of other people that do as well. But all that aside you are ok with him being your friend or you are not. Trying to change your friend is a ridiculous notion and one that I frankly find quite egotistical, since you are basically saying you know better than your friend as to what he should do with his life and what makes him happy.

I am friends with all types from successful doctors, lawyers and Hedge fund managers to exactly the type of person your friend is. I’ve known all them before college and I am friends with these people because we enjoy each other’s company, not because of their jobs, social status or where they are in their lives. If my friend actually ever approached me in a conversation about changing his life, I’d be there trying to help him/her 100 percent but what you are doing isn’t helping, it’s trying to make your friend conform to your ideas about how life should be lived.

Your friend may or may not change his lifestyle but it definitely seems like you have a problem with his current one, in which case I would say you probably no longer want to be friends with him. I wouldn’t keep hanging out with him hoping that he changes his life to fit what you need it to be, such actions never work out weather it is a relationship or friendship.

[quote]magick wrote:

[quote]Madtytecurls wrote:
I wouldn’t make a big deal about it but when you see a 29 year old man who lives in his parent’s basement with anime wall scrolls all over his bedroom it makes me wonder if anime has somehow made him the way he is.[/quote]

No. Parental coddling did.

How the fuck do you become 29 without at least a community college education in this day and age if you’re not living in abject poverty?

Sounds like an individual who never understood adversity and never felt the drive to achieve something.[/quote]

That a pretty ignorant statement, people go to the military, become mechanics, electricians, plumbers etc. none of them have college degrees. Others just work brown collar jobs all their lives because they didn’t want to go to college. There are also people that just work for themselves all their lives. A college degree opens doors but it is in no way, shape, or a form a requirement for making a living, not even a requirement for making a good living. College is not for everyone.

People who succede and making a lot of money are motivated to do so, college degree or not. Many just use a college degree as a means at achieving their goals. A college degree does not make a person automatically successful and I know plenty or Bachelor and Masters degrees doing jobs that they never even needed a degree to begin with.

[quote]Typhoon wrote:

[quote]magick wrote:

[quote]Madtytecurls wrote:
I wouldn’t make a big deal about it but when you see a 29 year old man who lives in his parent’s basement with anime wall scrolls all over his bedroom it makes me wonder if anime has somehow made him the way he is.[/quote]

No. Parental coddling did.

How the fuck do you become 29 without at least a community college education in this day and age if you’re not living in abject poverty?

Sounds like an individual who never understood adversity and never felt the drive to achieve something.[/quote]

That a pretty ignorant statement, people go to the military, become mechanics, electricians, plumbers etc. none of them have college degrees. Others just work brown collar jobs all their lives. [/quote]

Fair point. I will edit accordingly.

[quote]Typhoon wrote:
I am 27 I have anime scrolls on my walls…know plenty of other people that do as well. But all that aside you are ok with him being your friend or you are not. Trying to change your friend is a ridiculous notion and one that I frankly find quite egotistical, since you are basically saying you know better than your friend as to what he should do with his life and what makes him happy.

I am friends with all types from successful doctors, lawyers and Hedge fund managers to exactly the type of person your friend is. I’ve known all them before college and I am friends with these people because we enjoy each other’s company, not because of their jobs, social status or where they are in their lives. If my friend actually ever approached me in a conversation about changing his life, I’d be there trying to help him/her 100 percent but what you are doing isn’t helping, it’s trying to make your friend conform to your ideas about how life should be lived.

Your friend may or may not change his lifestyle but it definitely seems like you have a problem with his current one, in which case I would say you probably no longer want to be friends with him. I wouldn’t keep hanging out with him hoping that he changes his life to fit what you need it to be, such actions never work out weather it is a relationship or friendship. [/quote]

I have to disagree with your notion that he is being egotistical. I would say you’re being judgmental in accusing OP of being something. I imagine since we are talking about OP’s BFF that he just wants what is best for his friend. He believes that his friend cannot live like this forever and will eventually decline even worse if he continues on this path of becoming nothing. Maybe his friend doesn’t care to become something in life but all OP wants is the best for his friend. Anyway, it is up to OP to decide if he wants to continue being friends with this guy.

[quote]Mr. Walkway wrote:
does he have a neckbeard?[/quote]

At first, I was going to ask “Are you paying attention, walkway?” but now that I saw your post I’m pretty sure you’re friends with the same guy.

[quote]stefan128 wrote:

[quote]Typhoon wrote:
I am 27 I have anime scrolls on my walls…know plenty of other people that do as well. But all that aside you are ok with him being your friend or you are not. Trying to change your friend is a ridiculous notion and one that I frankly find quite egotistical, since you are basically saying you know better than your friend as to what he should do with his life and what makes him happy.

I am friends with all types from successful doctors, lawyers and Hedge fund managers to exactly the type of person your friend is. I’ve known all them before college and I am friends with these people because we enjoy each other’s company, not because of their jobs, social status or where they are in their lives. If my friend actually ever approached me in a conversation about changing his life, I’d be there trying to help him/her 100 percent but what you are doing isn’t helping, it’s trying to make your friend conform to your ideas about how life should be lived.

Your friend may or may not change his lifestyle but it definitely seems like you have a problem with his current one, in which case I would say you probably no longer want to be friends with him. I wouldn’t keep hanging out with him hoping that he changes his life to fit what you need it to be, such actions never work out weather it is a relationship or friendship. [/quote]

I have to disagree with your notion that he is being egotistical. I would say you’re being judgmental in accusing OP of being something. I imagine since we are talking about OP’s BFF that he just wants what is best for his friend. He believes that his friend cannot live like this forever and will eventually decline even worse if he continues on this path of becoming nothing. Maybe his friend doesn’t care to become something in life but all OP wants is the best for his friend. Anyway, it is up to OP to decide if he wants to continue being friends with this guy.[/quote]

This is the truth. Thing is I really like the way he is. None of my co-workers are interested in anything except football and the only video game they ever play is Madden and maybe Fifa. Hanging out with my friend allows me to indulge in my inner nerd.
I don’t really mind if he’s into those kind of things but it shouldn’t be the only thing he cares about in life. I just wish he would do something to try to improve his life. I’ve also tried to get him into exercise but he makes such stupid excuses like he gets plenty of fitness because he “walks the dog every day.”

To clarify, I think its possible for him to improve his life without compromising her personality, he’s just got to start giving a damn.
I’ve been tempted to be critical of him but I have wondered to myself whether it is even any of my business to say anything, I don’t think it is but if nobody else is telling him to get his shit together then who else will?

[quote]stefan128 wrote:

[quote]Typhoon wrote:
I am 27 I have anime scrolls on my walls…know plenty of other people that do as well. But all that aside you are ok with him being your friend or you are not. Trying to change your friend is a ridiculous notion and one that I frankly find quite egotistical, since you are basically saying you know better than your friend as to what he should do with his life and what makes him happy.

I am friends with all types from successful doctors, lawyers and Hedge fund managers to exactly the type of person your friend is. I’ve known all them before college and I am friends with these people because we enjoy each other’s company, not because of their jobs, social status or where they are in their lives. If my friend actually ever approached me in a conversation about changing his life, I’d be there trying to help him/her 100 percent but what you are doing isn’t helping, it’s trying to make your friend conform to your ideas about how life should be lived.

Your friend may or may not change his lifestyle but it definitely seems like you have a problem with his current one, in which case I would say you probably no longer want to be friends with him. I wouldn’t keep hanging out with him hoping that he changes his life to fit what you need it to be, such actions never work out weather it is a relationship or friendship. [/quote]

I have to disagree with your notion that he is being egotistical. I would say you’re being judgmental in accusing OP of being something. I imagine since we are talking about OP’s BFF that he just wants what is best for his friend. He believes that his friend cannot live like this forever and will eventually decline even worse if he continues on this path of becoming nothing. Maybe his friend doesn’t care to become something in life but all OP wants is the best for his friend. Anyway, it is up to OP to decide if he wants to continue being friends with this guy.[/quote]

It IS egotistical to think that you know better than the person him/herself does about how he wants to live his or her life. There are no, ifs, ands or butts here.

I can think that smoking weed is a waste of time, that getting married is a dumb idea (statistically speaking it’s going to end in a train wreck), I have a friend that competes in a sport where every time he practices/compete his life is severely in danger (motocross tricks) and he has broken more bones and has had more plates and screws put in than I thought would be humanly possible, to me that is a sure fire way to live a short life or one with severe injuries when you are older but he is happy doing it without making any money in the sport.

On the other hand my friends think using gear is one of the dumbest things you can do in the world and why someone who doesn’t make money from a professional sport would take to simply get bigger is beyond them. None of us sit down and try to change the other person, we help the best we can but you are either ok with your friends doing this stuff or you are not. Trying to change people NEVER works, thinking you can and that your friend would be happier for it, IS egotistical.

But our ending points are the same (I think) OP either stays friends with him or drops him as a friend, my point was that trying to get the guy to change his life will not yield anything productive.

OP: You have tried to help him, and that is all you can do. Let it go. If he does not want to help himself, then all the help in the world is not going to make a difference.

You can still drink beer and play Mortal Kombat with him, but just limit your time with him, and don’t pick up any of his undesirable habits.

Uncle Bird.

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They say you are the sum of the 5 people you spend most time with. If you don’t wana be 1/5 useless cunt then get rid.

I had lots of friends that werent even that bad, and i had no problem ditching them all after high school.

Why is there a thread about this now?

Bit of a misleading title… What you’re really asking is how to help your best friend.

This hits home a bit with me. I had a friend with whom I was inseparable since we were in the second grade literally. In fact I’ve probably spent more time with him than any other person outside my family. But after high school I went to college and got a job, and he lives in his parent’s attic, watches anime, plays video games all day, has a job at Kroger, and is a brony (seriously not copying your story; it’s actually this similar lol).

I’m not sure what to tell you though. Unfortunately I just left my friend to rot more or less. Maybe I should give him a call.