T Nation

Learn to Speak Womanese


#1

In the hope of increasing the harmony in men-women relations, allow me to present a short guide to understanding womanese:

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

5 Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means at least half an hour. 5 minutes is only 5 minutes if you've been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine."

Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!

: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders with she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing."

That's okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint, just say "you're welcome."

Whatever: A woman's way of saying "fuck you."


#2

noted.


#3

You wrote this?
Respect!


#4

Obviously it's only fair that we do the same thing for men's lingo - so that women can also understand the quirky undertones of the opposite sex's comments;

Fine: fine, or 'I'm not in the mood to conversate' depending on context.

5 Minutes: 5 minutes, unless he's watching the game before helping around the house in which case it's until every last bit of commentary is finished.

Nothing: Nothing, or 'I'm not in the mood to conversate' depending on context.

Go ahead: Go ahead.

: Your falacio skills were up to par and he feels happy and very relaxed.

That's okay: That's okay.

Thanks: Thanks.

Whatever: I'm easy, or 'I'm not in the mood to conversate' depending on context.

You'll notice alot of 'I'm not in the mood to conversate' up there. The basic rule here is, if it doesn't need to be said or isn't funny, then we don't want to talk about it. We definitely don't want to spend our free time reliving your crappy day at work, or what people we have never met said or did.


#5

See. We are very straight forward. So why all of the confusion?


#6

No, I'm just the messenger.


#7

Perfect! Keep updating.


#8

Amen to that.

Women expect you to be interested in tiny little details in the lifes of people you have never, will never and dont ever want to meet.

Of course there are evolutionary and psychological reasons for this but still, who can be arsed with it?


#9

I like the "Thanks" one.


#10

Loud sigh.


#11

Actually, real men say "I don't wanna talk right now."

"Conversate" is going on my "Learn to speak metrosexualese" list.


#12

This makes me realise why people are gay, but I don't want to talk about it, it's fine.


#13

Chicks drive me crazy with the games they play in their own mind... getting mad about not saying the right thing, or not calling often enough or at the right time...

It's like girls are always testing me to see how I feel about them. Drives me fucking INSANE!


#14

Next time she does that, roundhouse her in the head and say "DON'T PLAY WITH ME BITCH!"

Also works if someone stands too close to you at the urinal or if you're ordering drinks somewhere new and beers are more then $2.75 for a longneck.


#15

Been thinking about this shit all day for some reason.

The answer, as usual, is somewhere in the middle, ie men dont talk enough, women talk too much. Its not an excuse to be metro though.....


#16

Well i'm not old enough to drink, but I guess I can comment anyway. A pint of beer over here would be between $4 and $6 depending on where you go.


#17

Ya' but thats good beer. You wont find good beer in a longneck bottle, usually.

Anyway. My wife insists on going through every detail about her shitty day at work with me...then if she happens to tell someone else about it she goes through exactly what she said to that person; so my lucky ass gets to hear about it at least twice!

I once made the mistake of telling her that I have heard that story before... It was painful.


#18

I got in trouble when I held my girlfriend (now ex-) accountable for arguing with my exact words and not what she thought I said. I got in further trouble when I pointed out that she was a reporter and if she pulled the same shit in her job she would get fired.


#19

You're bothering to make a list of words you can/cannot say? That's just straight up gay.

Real men, it's OK to use big words sometimes...


#20

Actually, "conversate" is not a word. It should be converse.

Real men can read and write. =)