I see a couple problems here.
1) Goals are measurable. "really building muscle" is not a goal it is more like a dream of what you think would be nice to have. A goal would be X body weight or X lean body mass. Goals are specific and measurable.
2) It isn't that you don't want it but you seem to be lacking dedications. Try writing out your goals with a new you in the next 12 months. Then split it in half and say build muscle for 9 of those months then cut fat for 3 months. You can't chase to rabbits at once but you can decide which one is more important or which one needs to be caught first.
You need to sit down and be honest with yourself.
If you don't really want to be big and cut that is fine too.
If it were easy everyone would be doing it.
