T Nation

Lawyer Jokes...

Now that big shot trial lawyer John Edwards is on the ticket, lets here your best lawyer jokes. I’ll start:

What do you call a criminal defencse lawyer?


Bring 'em on…(wink)

P.S. Sorry in advance BB, I know you read some good blogs and have great posts, but I had to.

A little boy and his mother are walking through a cemetary when the little boy asks, “Mom, when did they start putting two people into one grave.”

The mother replied, “No son, they can’t do that. What ever gave you that idea?”

The little boy replied, “Well, I saw a tombstone over there that said 'Here lies an honest man and a lawyer.”

At Little Johnny’s school, all the children got up and told the class when their fathers did for a living. When he was Little Johnny’s turn, he proudly stood up and said, “My dad plays the piano at a whorehouse.” The teacher was shocked, so that evening she and a social worker decided to visit Little Johnny’s home to make sure Little Johnny was being taken care of.

When the teacher and the social worker got to Little Johnny’s house, his father opened the door, and they immediately confronted him. The father replied, “I don’t really play the piano at a whorehouse. I just told Little Johnny to say that so he wouldn’t be embarassed in front of his friends. You see, I’m a lawyer.”

What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

The hooker stops screwing you once you’re dead.

Two researches were talking. One said to the other that they had decided to replace white lab rats with lawyers. The other asked why. 1. lawyers are more plentiful 2. the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them and 3. there are just some things that white lab rats will not do.

How many lawyer jokes are there?

3…the rest are all true stories.

A doctor, lawyer and dentist go fishing in the ocean. The boat starts to sink and is surrounded by sharks.

The doctor says I would rather be eaten by sharks then drown and jumps in. The sharks eat him. The dentist makes the same statement, jumps in the water and is also eaten by the sharks.

The lawyer says well I guess I would rather be eaten then drown too and jumps into the water.

The sharks swim away…professional courtesy!

What’s the definition of “a shame?”

A bus with 40 seats going over a cliff with only 39 lawyers on it!

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: “I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client’s defense.”

The judge asked, “What new evidence could you have?”

The lawyer replied, “My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

One more:

What’s the difference between God and an attorney?

God doesn’t think he’s an attorney.

Just one more:

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow?s hand and said: ?Hello, Pete. I haven?t seen you in years. What are you doing these days??

?I?m practicing law,? whispered Pete. ?But don?t tell mother. She thinks I?m still a pimp.?