Last Resort. T Ruined my Life. Have Any Miracles Lying Around?

I first started TRT after receiving very low labs(in the double digits) about 4 years ago. I have never been able to get “dialed in”. I’ve spent d the last 4 years trying every combination of therapies, every dose, every dozing regimen and even alternative therapies. I’ve Always stayed at our before very reasonable nt doses. Nothing has worked and all have driven me towards insanity. For the last 2 years I have been unable to feel any emotion except pain and mental discomfort. I have tried to work myself off of T gradually and with HCG support.

At 4 months off I woke up every morning like someone had doused my body with Kerosene and lit it on fire. My chest and throat and brain burned until I got up and started doing things. I’ve had labs done more times than I can count, probably closer to 100 times and can find no correlation between the lab results and how I feel.

At this point all I can come up with is that my brain hates testosterone and turns in directly into pain and anxiety. I’ve had every horrible side effect anyone can imagine. Crying for hours straight. Panic attacks that last for days and that’s just the start. At this point I think the best course is action is to end my life. My brain has been so destroyed by these drugs I don’t think there is any way back. Thought I’d ask if anyone had a miracle lying around first.

So, any miracles lying around before I blow my head off.

If you want some help it’d be nice to see your labs, protocols, time on each one, doses, etc etc. Not much to offer without any of that

Don’t do it Brother.

I cannot provide you with a miracle but I know who can, ask Him/her or what ever and it will come!

Why don’t you start by putting up your labs and a little more of your history, there are some very experienced people here but they will need more to go on.

Please contact a professional about your current ideation, there is help - it will get better.

I’ve been there man, I feel for ya. Stick with us!

Your brain isn’t rejecting a bioidentical hormone. Your labs being in double digits to begin with points to a much larger underlying issue.

List all the tests you’ve had, what doctors have looked for, any blood tests you can post (both recent and the first ones of you can).

Additionally, @Rednose is correct. Seek help for these thoughts. Give yourself every opportunity to fix things. You can’t fix anything if you’re dead. So address that first. Don’t wait. Call someone tomorrow. Get in an office and talk to a professional. I promise you it helps. It’s not the ultimate solution, but it helps. You have at least two medical conditions right now and you need to address them in order of danger. Your suicidal ideations are priority number one right now.

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I have to agree here. What do the endocrinologists say? I think you’re jumping to conclusions with “t ruined my life”. Something is obviously “off” and I hope you are getting proper specialists to look into this. Good luck brother and stay strong.

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I appreciate the responses.

I’ve done all of the above.

I’ve had labs that are right on the money and still felt horrible. If I post my labs and doses what you’ll see are every dose attempted in every possible protocol (IM / SC / from 1x week to daily injections)
The short version of the story is that before TRT I had what I would describe as mild to moderate mental health issues. I sometimes had issues but was 95% very productive and capable of being happy.
I’ve been to about 5 endos who all basically say what you’re saying. “That is very uncommon unlikely” and then they are done with me.
I worked with Defy for 2 years and they tried their damndest and could not “dial me in”. They said in thousands of patients they had never seen a reaction like mine.
For mental health I’ve tried therapy, EMDR, meditation, nasal ketamine, ketamine infusions etc.

Has anyone ever seen anything like this?

Give us more details about this. Have you tried a proper HPTA restart which would include HCG for a few weeks followed by a lose dose SERM like clomid or nolvadex for 4-6 weeks? You can’t taper off test as a restart. HCG in combination or solo isn’t a proper restart drug either.

This sounds like an allergic reaction or something. Have you tried different oils for the test?

Man I felt like you for a while. I started Wim Hof Breathing techniques and its changed my life.

Thank You. This technique did help in the moment. Unfortunately he I am 2.5 months later and a few weeks ago I put a loaded shotgun in my mouth and couldn’t pull the trigger. I spent two weeks in a psychiatric hospital.

Something that mimics this is going on. I’ve gotten worse every year. I’ve tried every method of administration, every Test ester, and tons of dosing protocols. Since I started TRT it’s as if it has been traumatizing my brain. My head hurts all the time now and I can’t think clearly often. I can’t get off bc when I try I’m in such bad shape that my quality of life makes me want to die. I’ve had picture perfect labs and pretty good labs. I’ve never even had what most would call “bad” labs except my originals and one time years ago when a doctor that had no idea what he was doing messed me up with hcg monotherapy and no AI before I went to defy. I have a new functional medicine doctor and we’re hunting for uncommon sides. We’re currently looking into intercranial hypertension https://n.neurology.org/content/94/15_Supplement/5111 (I’m not trans btw)

What might be helpful is stories of anyone who sounds like me. Severe changes in general wellness, confusion and agitation, constant mild headaches worsened by shaking my head, can’t focus for more than a minute or two at a time when I used to be able to focus for hours on very complex engineering problems (this isn’t like ADD, it’s more like could you concentrate if it felt like there was a spike through your head all the time. Or if you picture a cartoon brain imagine the gears having a wrench in them.). I’ve had all other kinds of symptoms but they have been transient. The full body burning mentioned elsewhere in this thread stopped the day after I restarted TRT. I believe that when my T gets really low my body exists in a constant state of panic and the burning was like the burning sensation that might accompany a panic attack.

I’m back on therapy at 25mg every other day bc I was literally unable to leave bed for weeks while on nothing and eventually put a shotgun in my mouth.

I want everyone to know I appreciate the help. I know my case is crazy that’s why I’m grasping at straws. Like I said Defy did their damndest for 2 years and could not figure out out. Zero shade on them they worked their asses off. Finally, I asked and they literally told me they’d never seen a reaction like this. To be clear though they only adjusted TRT meds they didn’t call MRIs or consider other medications.

It wasn’t. As soon as I got some T back in my it went away. I think it was the burning of a panic attack.

I want to see these picture perfect labs. Something is not adding up for me. Pics of your results would be best and not some copy and paste action.

They are old at this point, but I have had great labs and felt awful. I know it doesn’t add up that’s why I’m asking for new ideas.

Is it possible that your issues are not T related? Possibly a mental issue. It is very common to blame mental issues on Low T, or what one thinks to be an issue with their protocol. Often it is just not those things.

I wish you happiness. Things can change a lot with time. Keep that in mind right now.

I have definitely considered it and done lots of treatment. The difference pre TRT and post TRT are in different ballparks on different planets.

Regardless, the trauma of going from very healthy to feeling awful all the time for years has been traumatic. I’ve done lots of psych meds that didn’t really help, did EMDR for trauma and even did nasal ketamine and ketamine infusions. Nothing really helped except for very short term.

@truinedmylife
Do you have any labs you can post? If you have spent any time on this site you will find that the guys trying to help you are extremely intelligent, I would say their knowledge trumps that of most doctors who seemingly know nothing outside the box. You are asking for help but these guys can only give you what you are willing to give them.

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I don’t have great current ones. I tried to get off and got very sick and was down at 136 total. I’m back on 25mg eod now with no labs yet. It’s only been about a week. I can dump a bunch of old labs if it would really be helpful.

Post your old labs and your not so great ones too. Im asking you so that we can see the numbers you speak of, I wont accept an excuse. Only labs will help some of us see what you mean. I cant take your word for it. Beautiful numbers, and picture perfect markers dont mean a thing. I want to see them, along with others so that the full picture can unfold. So post some screenshots of your new and old labs.

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Have you measured neurosteroid precursors (preg/DHEA)? Neurosteroids are extremely important to cognitive function, and sometimes the adrenals don’t produce enough to compensate for those lost via the shutdown of the testicles.

How do you feel sexually? How did you feel prior?

Are there any other symptoms you have that you can describe?

Are you on any current psychiatric medications? What medications have you used previously? Timelines relative to T use?

The lack of emotions and cognitive dysfunction could be related to dysfunctional estrogen signaling. This is a pretty complex topic, but it’s looking more and more like this is one of the major issues associated with PSSD. Perhaps start with some reading into ER-Beta and ER-Alpha receptors and their roles in myriad aspects of health.

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