T Nation

Lady advice

After enjoying Curious’ last girl thread, I thought I’d see if I could get some help myself. My girlfriend of 2 years has some serious emotional problems and she really needs me in her life right now. Problem is that she treated me like shit (cheated and lied about it for months, and we’d been trying to work through it) and I don’t think things are sorting themsleves out. Truth is that I think that we’re coming to the end of our relationship, but I don’t want to cause her more pain at one of the lowest points in her life (i won’t go into detail here guys, but she’s had a really shitty life).

I’m fully expecting a barrage of answers to this saying “dude, sack up and move on, find someone who’ll treat you better” etc., but isn’t there also something to be said for being a decent person (despite any relationship problems) and sticking around to help out someone who you care about a lot (even if the relationship part isn’t working out). Shit, what should I do…

Bro, if you already know it’s coming to an end, just let it go. Look, you don’t need to be her “shrink” or help her solve all her problems. She’s just milking you for all you’re worth.
You know, I think certain people like to date people who need help. It gives them a sense of power or accomplishment for helping the other person. I’ve dated a few girls who had serious problems and issues. Sure, it’s nice that you can offer them help and maybe make a difference in their life, but it really drains the relationship. Those types of relationships didn’t last long for me. And I’m talking about extreme cases (like yours!). Obviously, in a healthy relationship, you need each others support. So end the relationship and move on.
If you want to remain friends, then do that. And you can be a “decent” guy and help her out as a friend. But don’t let her drag you down anymore. And don’t let the guilt of her “emotional problems and (the fact that) she really needs me in her life right now” bring you down. Man, if someone cheated on me, I’d kick their ass out the door without a second thought! I’m surprised you tried to salvage the relationship, even though it’s not working. So do the right thing bro, let her go! Move on and be happy!

OK the Whopper 2 cents. You took me down memory lane dude. My first wife was an emotional wreck with a lousy upbringing as well. I married her and found out 2 months into the marriage that she had cheated on me for several months WHILE I was engaged to her, AND supporting her miserable ass financially. She gave me this line of crap that she cheated on me because she felt “she didn’t deserve someone so good to her” and that she did it because she was TRYING to ruin the relationship…and yet she failed to tell me about this til after THE RING WAS ON THE FINGER. Having a respect for the institution of marriage, I gave it my best shot to make it work…but for me…I couldn’t ever get over that betrayal of trust…no matter how hard I tried…I could never be as trusting…or anywhere as intimate with her again. The marriage limped along for another 6 months…and still I tried to be the nice guy and a decent person thru the divorce…and all it did was drag me down to her level emotionally. She dragged me thru an emotional roller coaster until I finally just had to walk away 100%. I know it is hard…but she betrayed you bro…and she has to learn there are consequences to her actions. You can try to be decent…but take it from experience…it will just mess you up big time…it isn’t like it was a one night drunken fling dude…she carried it on for months…I know you don’t want to hear it, but this is honestly one of those cases where nice guys finish last…save yourself the torture and GET OUT!

Hey been there done that got the t-shirt and it is nothing like a t-mag shirt. I was stuck in the dilema of nice guys vs. foolish a couple of times myself. In the end regardless of what we say you got to be able to look yourself in the mirror. I would have to say from your post your girlfriend is not the only one with problems. I would urge you to get some counseling. The reason I say this is not to be an ass that sort of thing has been very helpful for a lot of my friends cause lets face it sometimes everyone needs an honest opinion from a non-subjective source. If you have any question about weather or not you need help ask yourself this. Is this healthy for me? If it is go for it if you cannot say or the answer is no then get help. You are not responsible for her past or for her actions (lies, and cheating). You are only responsible for you not how she reacts to you. It may be that she doesn’t want you there and that is the reason for the lies etc. She may be pushing you away and waiting for you to have the hutspas to say enough! I do not being to expresss that I understand women I am just saying think this through. Do you find being a nice guy to be a burden. If you do you may not be being a nice guy you may be being a sucker.

I am all for helping someone out but in the long run it may do moth of you more good to move on now. She needs to learn from her mistakes, it aint easy and she is going to have to sit in the fire for a while, that is loife, there is good times and bad times, she can work through it. Of course she wants you there but it is for her own selfish reasons. If you are willing to sacrafice your life for hers than go ahead and stick around. Of course I too have been in this situation and, trust me the sooner you split the better, for both of you. And hey this can’t be good for your T levels right?

Today is Monday, Tuesday on Oprah is Dr Phil (yes my girlfriend watches it every week & makes me with her) I’m sure he will cover something like what you are going through. Ask anyone in the world, male, female it doesn’t matter. Looking back on relationships that ended everyone & I mean everyone will say yes that they should have ended things sooner, that the writing was on wall and they were trying to work through things hoping things would change for the best. THEY WON’T!! You only have so many days on this earth and by being too nice of a guy you are holding your self back from growing spirtually and size wise. So end it move on to bigger weights and more important thing in your life. My 2 cents.

First things first, you’re being WAAAAAY too fucking nice. Like everyone else that has posted on this thread, I went through the same thing about two years ago. I could go on about this for days, but I’ll keep it simple. Get rid of that slut right now and do whatever it takes to quit thinking about it. At some point in time (unfortunately, could be a while), you’ll have no doubt that you did the right thing.

She needs therapy, not a boyfriend. You can’t fix her and she’s putting you through hell. Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is quit being someone’s crutch so they can learn to walk on their own.

Hey Bro, I wrote the book on this one.

I agree with good 'ol Nate Doggy, let her go man. It’s imple as this, you can’t help someone who won’t take the first step and help themselves. I know, I’ve tried. I had this girl in my second year at uni. She was
deadly - looks, sex appeal, made me feel like a king. But she had PROBLEMS. I knew she was a little squirrely before we started hanging out but I decided to anyway. Well I fell right in love with her. I mean she said all the right things at all the right times to make you feel great; I’m not talking ego boost, just great. Ended up I found out she was manic depressive and liked to take “vacations” from the meds she was on. It started - lying, cheating, suicidal tendencies. I told her shrink about it and bolted that is after trying to help her myself for a few months. I couldn’t be the only one putting in the energy to get her better. Apparently she’s doing really well now. I saw her about a year afterwards and she was doing great. All I can hope is that she still is. As hard as it was to leave her, I had to for me.

Moral of the story: as harsh as it sounds, you gotta look out for number 1.

Marino, ask yourself what you are getting out of this. Most people that hang in there when they know its over have some sort of subconcious reason besides to be nice. Is she a “Trophy” do you need to be needed? Are you afraid to be alone? And you did not mention how you are helping her-if she needs money, give her some bucks and move on, if its emotional-well it sounds like that is over at least in one sense and the biggest help you can give her is to move on so you can both learn from your mistakes,and have a better relationship with whomever next time.

Without going into great detail, I too, have been in a roughly similar situation… My advice is to clearly end the relationship, but “be friends”, and (ideally), move on to someone else, so she’ll know it’s really over. By there for her, emotionally (NOT physically) and you’ll be doing the nice guy thing and ending the relationship on amiable terms (which is how it sounds you want it to be). The other guys are right, you need to get out, but this way is a little “nicer”. And, if she is the emotional wreck you say she is, you could help her avoid a really bad decision (e.g. suicide, if she’s that disturbed).

i hear where you’re coming from, but just because she’s had a shitty life does it give her the right to treat you with such disrespect and try to hurt you? Did this other guy treat her as well as you do? Don’t you feel that you should try to be happy instead of trying to help somebody who can’t be helped? Don’t you feel that you can find someone else who won’t cheat and lie? These are all questions you should ask yourself…maybe she needs to see a shrink…hope things work out.

You’re cheating yourself and her by not ending it if your heart isn’t there. Everyone is in charge of there own happiness … you owe it to her and yourself to move on. The easy thing is to do nothing… good luck!

My problem is actually the opposite of what is being discussed but I thought i’d ask for advice anyway. My girlfriend of about 3 years just told me that she wanted to date other people and the reasons were very similar to the fact that I kinda followed the T-man Ways. I didn’t really treat her the way I felt about because I thought I would lose her for being a pansy. Well it turns out I lost her to a pansy. My instincts are telling me to try to be nicer (I really like her) and show her I can treat her better but I don’t think it is working too well. So I guess I should probably just drop her and get on with life. But damn it sucks losing…

First, there is NO good way to dump somebody so don’t bother trying to find a dignified way. Second, not only betray you, but now she is USING you. Don’t be to blind to see that. Call her on the phone, dump her shit out on the lawn and change the locks, it really doesn’t matter how you dump her (see "50 ways to leave your lover), she’ll still blame you for all her problems. Remember that these are not your problems and in the mean time you are wasting precious time coddling a hopeless case. She hasn’t changed for you yet, it’s real unlikely she will improve with your help, all your doing is kissing her ass. It’s her responsiblity to fix her own problems and to seek help. There is plenty of help. I have seen this situation a million times and been in it once or twice, it never turns out good unless you just make the decision to go. Decide on a time and date and just do it. It’s the best thing for you AND her. I personally think you are scared of the emotional whip lash that will result from the servering of the relationship. Fear not! All but one of your relationships will fail. That one is the one that ends at or near death. Please, don’t get her pregnant, you’ll never be free then. Go hit the weights dude, much better for you than a bitch with more baggage than a 747.

Marino,
If she’s had a shitty life she is going to continue to have a shitty life until she gets some help. People like your girlfriend will not allow themselves to be treated right in a relationship. This is because she has had a rough past and this is what she is used to. So no matter how well you treat her she will do something to create chaos because this is what she is comfortable with. She needs to somehow break this cycle. The best way is though some sort of counseling.
Marino, what is up with you? I bet this is not the first relationship you have been involved in where you have been cheated on and lied to. Why do you feel the need to fix her? It is very noble that you want to stick it out and help her but you have to look out for number one. I am curious, was one of your parents an alchololic or drug addict? If so then this could be the reason you stick around even though you are not getting your needs met. The best relationships are when two people don’t need each other to be happy. Only you can make yourself happy. Other people can only add to your happiness.
After writing this i can feel the testosterone being drained from my body. I am gonna go to the nearest gym and pick a fight with the first first personal trainer I hear say that you need high reps to get cut and low reps to get big!

You are selling yourself short here t dawg. It sounds like you know but are struggling to justify it. Its very hard to leave, I think even harder for guy, but its the best thing to do. If you dont look after yourself who will? Plus I think you will find she will deny you are helping or will resent the fact down the track - strange but possible.

Marino, she needs to get her shit together. U have been going out for 2 years so its not just a short term relationship and u obviously have some strong feelings towards her. You are not helping either of you by carrying on as you are at present. Just because you stop going out doesn’t mean you have to completely ignore her forever. My suggestion would be to break up and encourage her to start looking at her priorities and where she is headed. You sound like a nice guy which is great but that doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. The way you describe it there is no real basis for a long term solid relationship. I hope it works out ok for the both of you.

if used judiciously, the drinking contest can solve most if not all problems. here’s how it works. anytime she is around, start boozing. insist she has beverages with you because you heard it is a sign of problem drinking if you drink alone. now you can pick your own drinking game, but i have a weak spot for the “mouth full of whiskey, pinch each other’s nose shut till somebody swallows” game. once everybody is good and liquored up, jump her bones. it’s flawless.

Forgive me if this was touched on in other responses, Marino ask yourself if the shoe were on the other foot and you had the issues and the shitty life, would she stand by you? Chances are she would not, your caring and loyalty would do better in a new relationship. Get your woman in the best shape you can then let her go. Learn from this, remember when you lose, don’t lose the lesson.