I don’t know if anyone remembers me but I was the infamous one who posted a whiny topic quite awhile ago in which I bitched about being a virgin, having low T, looking young among other things.
Well, I am writing today to inform that much of this is now irrelevant and to give some sense of closure to the saga. Ain’t it strange how things change?
I recently returned from a 3 week trip to Europe in which I lost my virginity to a girl I have been online dating and am now intending on moving back to live with. Our activities would indicate I have nothing resembling low testosterone whatsoever and that my insecurities about being a somewhat slightly man are purely irrelevant once a certain level of confidence, assertiveness and charisma is gained. I’m surprised it went as well as it did to be honest.
I was raised a Catholic and had a lot of misgivings about it, mostly due to the fact that I was told to wait until marriage. Firstly i do not necessarily believe in the marriage contract as being that meaningful with the exception of tax breaks and other legal ramifications, many horrible marriages being evidence of this. So I decided to accept moderation and instead of ruling out sex as bad or vile outside of the world of “I do”, experience it with someone whom I was pretty sure I would have a connection with and remain with. I lucked out, and this is to be the case. So it’s crossed off now as territory on the other side of the fence that was previously uncharted.
I had a lot of experiences leading up to it, mostly loneliness and the soul crushing grind of minimum waging living (although thanks to 2 jobs and good money management, I have saved a decent amount), and ultimately I decided that I had made sufficient personal progress to make an investment. I’m glad I at least waited well past the high school range, and even college.
The truth is that real-world experience trumps speculation, whether on the internet or sitting on the couch in a pontificating cannabis-induced stupor. I am pleased to say that I am gaining more of this with time.
If this is someone you see yourself having a future with, and she wants the same, then go for it. Anything can go wrong in any relationship. That’s the risk all people in relationships and marriages take.
I don’t know if I’d go all the way to dchris’ extreme of “dump her and move on” but I will second Nards’ voice of caution. It can be easy to overestimate the connection between you and someone you met in this setting
The first time I took a shot on something like this - met a girl at a conference, felt like it was love at first sight, decided to make a go of it - I got a two-week trip to Switzerland out of it, and we parted ways amicably. We even still work together a little bit (professionally).
The second time I took a shot on something like this - met a girl from my hometown while I was visiting my parents over the holidays - we struck up a long-distance relationship, dated for three years, she became my wife and we are happily married.
The difference: I didn’t decide to pack my life up and move either time, because I had some good things going (in life, that is) and was able to give things a trial run long-distance at first. And that’s where I suggest you consider things: are you leaving anything at home that you would seriously regret (job, school, family, etc) or will you be seriously compromising yourself financially (going into $2,000 credit-card debt to buy the plane ticket over there) by making the move? If not, then take a shot. If so, you might want to pump the brakes and think about this a little more.
The only thing that would keep me in the US is seeing my parents and sister here, I have no close extended family here so that is not a factor at all. But they may move as well, the rapidly changing political climate is another major factor influencing my desire to go abroad. Considered Canada too actually.
Did you have sex on that first trip? It was something I didn’t necessarily think would happen but it just did, and I decided is was better to just go with it rather than plant my heels like a donkey. In retrospect it isn’t as big a deal as I thought, in any way shape or form.
Plus 23 isn’t at all young to lose virginity and I decided to just let go of it as an attachment rather than obsess about it. On the plus side it has opened up a lot more room in my mind.
Neither time. I’m a bit of a prude, I guess (not for religious reasons…just not really the type to rush into sex, although that’s a whole separate conversation about variable levels of sexual desire, etc).
There are pros and cons to “staying” and “going” in this case. Maybe talk to your parents/sister about it? If they’re the thing about the States that you would miss, it is probably worth getting their input. That doesn’t mean you have to listen to exactly what they want, but you might as well say “Hey, I’m considering this move, but one of my main concersn is that I would want to make sure we stayed connected…” and see what they have to say.
I’m going to get their input because they are the only close people who do matter to me, I do have friends here too but they are the sort who I have only one or two and they are good friends I have known a long time. Never been one for many flaky friendships.
How old were you with both of these girls and if you don’t mind when did you lose yours? It could just be a factor of my age I guess, I think you are likely older than me
first GF at 21 (also lost my virginity to her); she broke it off after 6 months
second GF from 23-25, I broke it off after 2.5 years
fling #1 (Switzerland girl mentioned above) at age 25; we talked long-distance for a few months, eventually took a Euro-trip together, decided to part as friends after that trip. The spark we initially felt just wasn’t quite there; also, it probably had been something we overrated in the first place due to our respective emotional states at the time - I had just broken up with a longtime GF and, tbh, was ripe for believing that I could just fall straight for another girl with some common interests; she had her own emotional issues as well. As I said, we parted as friends and still talk occasionally through professional circles.
fling #2 (became my wife) at age 27 when we met, dated for three years through multiple moves and states, got married just after my 30th birthday
There’s several red flags to me. You put a lot of value on your virginity, which is fine, but you’re now attached to this girl because of what you gave up. In essence, the value you placed in your virginity is now placed in this girl.
Internet dating is cool and all, but people aren’t themselves on the internet, and you also only spent 3 weeks with her in person. That’s quite the limited in-person experience to make such rash emotional decisions.
I have dated several foreign girls: Irish, Scottish, Norwegian, british, Swiss and German. The level of relationship obviously varied. One of those girls I almost moved to Europe to be with.
I’d suggest, holding off a bit. And would suggest a summer work visa, buying your outgoing and return ticket. If your guys are still in love, then enjoy your summer. If you’re in love after the summer, return home, settle your affairs and go back. If it didn’t work out, you had a fun summer that will shape your life.
Thanks for providing some context. I was never the hookup type (i stuck it out thru high school and college) but this is a cute girl and I don’t really regret it especially because there is a good chance we will remain together. If not, more experience under my belt i guess
As an English teacher, I would be remiss if I did not remind you of a canonical piece of literature, The Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet.
If you are not familiar with it, you may want to watch the movie.
FWIW, after I lost my virginity, I stayed with the girl for about a month and she just smothered me and I had to ditch her. I’m not Catholic, but certainly suffered through some genuine Catholic guilt, and worst of all, it took me three years before I got laid again.