Disclaimer: this is more of a journal type entry… it might get a little long-winded.
I’ve been lifting seriously since I was about 17. I started taking the high school weights class as soon as they’d let us which was sophomore year. The weightlifting “coach” was an assistant football coach who looked like a failed bodybuilder or power lifter. To us he was huge. He would write the workouts on the board for each day and we’d do whatever we wanted regardless. I enjoyed hang clean more than anything… probably because I wasn’t too bad at it. Sophomore I weighed 185 and was 6’2" to 6’4"… don’t remember. I benched my weight early in the year and began to progress steadily. Never squatted though. After my junior year I decided I was going to pack on some muscle for a change. I weight 200-204 at the end of the school year. I was on creatine and starting taking a protein powder by the name of Heavy Weight Gainer 900. It had over 900 calories per serving. My older brother was into bodybuilding so I consulted with him and decided that I’d skip the high school football workouts and lift with him and his roommate at a commercial gym instead. I told the coaches and all they could say was “Well as long as you’re lifting somewhere…” but I could see the doubt and frustration in their eyes.
So that summer my brother and I made our plan. 6 days a week of a bodybuilding split: chest/tri’s, back/shoulders/bi’s, legs, repeat. We did high volume. We also devised a plan to get me some Winstrol and start a 6 week cycle July 1. I trained and ate garbage but ate a lot. I worked landscaping all day and played baseball most nights of the week and all weekend. May and June passed and I gained a few pounds. 208…210. July rolled around and my brother and I never revisited the steroid option. I was gaining weight and progressing so I didn’t push it, but I was wanting to progress faster. I kept working, kept training hard, and kept making progress into July. By this time I was lifting on my own or with a teammate. We went to Steamboat Springs for a week long tournament and access to the gym was way too expensive so I decided to take a week off. I quit taking my creatine and protein shakes and even caved to my lust for beer. I let a couple friends talk me into drinking…and drinking heavily a couple nights while we were gone. I was finally 212 when we arrived. By the time I returned home from the tournament I was back to 208…which sucked.
I picked up where I left off and resumed creatine and lifting like I hadn’t missed a day. After a week I weighed over 212… and then 218… and finally before school started in August, 220. The goal at the start of the summer was 20lbs… and I finally made it.
I returned to school for football and was clearly the only one who made any significant improvements. In the spring I was slated to be a defensive back. By the end of week 1 I was a defensive end and tight end…and kept getting bigger. 222 at the start of the season. I was 6’5" now and basically a monster for an 18 year old. The season came and went and we went 0-9…awful. No one discussed football with me so I signed with Wichita State to play baseball during the early signing period (in the fall). I dislocated my right knee in week 7 of the season and ended up being on the DL into basketball season. I missed the first basketball game. I continued to do my bodybuilding split. I had weightlifting one day and I was a teacher’s aid on the other day and I’d sneak off to the weight room and get my workout done before my next class. I was obsessed. My weight actually climbed to 236 in the early stages of the basketball season…and I was only doing leg press with my left leg due to my knee injury. It was a glorious time and needless to say I’ve been hooked ever since.
I went to Wichita State in the fall of 2003 and continued to grow…all the way to 245 by mid-semester (up 15-20 lbs since school started). I was there to pitch so coaches kind of freaked out but I maintained 240lbs or more until September of 2006 with the exception of a shoulder surgery in 2004. I dropped to 215ish but gained it all back as soon as I was released. In 2006 I tried The Abs Diet (book by Men’s Health). I lost 15 lbs and 2% body fat the first month. I had a 6 pack…and again I became fixated with my physique. But this time it wasn’t all about sheer size; I wanted definition.
The reason I write all of this is because I had a vain/conceited moment today. I had to wait until after work to get in my workout. I took some pre-workout with caffeine and a volumizing pre-workout along with some BCAA’s. I felt freaking jacked during my workout. I was amped up and getting a great pump. I haven’t experienced that feeling since the early days of BSN’s NO Xplode. I was also lifting shirtless for the first time ever. The reason I say I had a vain/conceited moment is because I always feel like people are shoving their physique photos down your throat on social media. Posing this way and that and posting half naked pics daily/weekly. People look great and I appreciate their accomplishments but part of me always feels like it’s a cry for attention… maybe, maybe not.
Today I had one of those moments and I decided to go with it. I’ve been busting my ass since I was in my teens. I’ve built a pretty damn good physique. I’m no competitor but I feel like I look pretty good every day of the week. There’s no prep or cutting for me. This is daily living. I fluctuate 5-10 lbs throughout the year but that’s it. Why should I feel guilty for showing off occasionally? Why shouldn’t I be proud and show people what I’ve done? Well, I think maybe it’s perfectly OK to show off occasionally. It’s OK to say, “check this shit out.”
I’ve always beat myself up because I can’t obtain the physique that I see in the media. The shirtless workouts being photographed and published like they’re average Joe’s. Just work hard enough and you can do it. I hear the same thing from the strength crowd. If you’re dedicated enough then you can do it. Here I am unable to do it and unable to look the way they do after years of hard work. So how do I feel? Shitty. Should I? Absolutely not.
I realized today during my shirtless workout that I’m there. I’ve achieved my goal. I’ve just never been able to see it. So for those of you still with me, here’s my conceited moment. Here’s some shirtless workout action for ya (in my next post).
Sorry if I come off a bit vein… but not really.
Also, is that why you use the wide grip on the deadlifts?
my legs started convulsing on the final two reps. Apparently I’m fatigued from yesterday’s “light” cardio and the running workout)