T Nation

JOKES!

Alright, pull out your best material. Dirty, clean, politcally incorrect,misogynistic… Anything goes. I’ll start:

Her Diary / His Diary

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

LSU lost today, but at least I got laid.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

I dunno wanna ride bikes?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed after sex. The chiken is smoking a cigarette and looking very content. The egg, looking very dissatisfied, leans over to the chicken and says," Well I guess we know the answer to that question."

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blnkly at a bowl of chili.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, “if you ain’t gonna eat that do ya mind if I do?”

The older cowboy slowly turns his head towards the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states, “nah, go ahead.”

Eagerly the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He nearly gets down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the bottom. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili righ back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says “yep, thats as far as I got too!”

From Maxim:

Q-What do you call a black man who flies a plane?

A- A pilot you fucking racist!!! what, A black man can’t fly a plane???

Why does a dog lick himself down there?

He can’t make his paw into a little fist.

A Dislexic guy walks into a bra…

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there?” he yells. “You’re scaring my
customers!” “I’m just sitting here on the toilet,” slurs the drunk, “and
every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
“You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she was dead.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick Question. Feminists can’t change anything.

Q-What’s the difference between meat and fish?

A-If you beat your fish it’ll die

Q-What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

A-They can both smell it but they can’t eat it

[quote]bino wrote:
Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she was dead.[/quote]

WTF?

Q: What’s the hardest part about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you’re gay.

Once there were three indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands’ teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for.

The first slept on a deer skin.

The second slept on a bear skin.

The third slept on a hippopotamus skin (go with it, it’s worth it).

All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy.

The third had twins.

This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Thanks, I’ll be here till thursday.

Remember, alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Please don’t drink and derive.

-folly

folly, i am now confused?

Perhaps he should have specified FUNNY jokes.

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, “I’m going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam.” The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, “Not big enough.” She brings out a bigger one. He says, “Still not big enough.” She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, “Still not big enough.” She says, “Listen, Ace, why don’t you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?”

Q. What’s the most sensitive part of your body when you’re masturbating?

A. Your ears listening for your mom coming down the hall.

A man walks into a bar and says “ouch.”

-ton

[quote]StevenF wrote:
Perhaps he should have specified FUNNY jokes. [/quote]

Here’s one for you:
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have so many branches?

oh, you said funny…