T Nation

Joke Thread

This was one of my favorite threads of all time:

A 6’ 8", 300 lb. black man walks into a bar and sits down next to a Jewish guy and says, “I’s big, I’s black, and I’s loves to fuck white womens.” The Jewish man quickly pays for his drink and leaves. So the man walks over to an Irishman, sits down and announces, “I’s big, I’s black, and I’s loves to fuck dem white womens.” The Irishman also pays for his drink and leaves abruptly. So the brother walks over to a Pollack, sits down and again says, “I’s big, I’s black, and I’s just loves to fuck da white womens.” The Pollack responds, “Yeah, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t fuck a nigger either.”

A contractor lands a job with the local telephone company to install the telephone poles around the county. His problem is he has a team of Mexicans and a team of Pollacks and he can’t decide which team to use. So he decides to have both teams do a days worth of work and whichever team gets more poles in the ground at the end of the day gets the work. At the end of the day the leader of the Mexican team sees the contractor and reports that his team put in forty telephone poles. “Wow,” the contractor says, “Send in the Pollack leader on your way out.” The Pollack walks in and is asked “So, how many poles did your team put in the ground today?” “Four” replies the Pollack. “FOUR?! The Mexicans put in forty poles today and you guys are only able to get in four? What the fuck!!” “Yeah?” says the Pollack defensively, “did you see how much of the pole they left sticking out of the ground?”

I’m pulling this from memory so it might seem a little choppy. I guy is sitting in his house when the phone rings. He answers it and it’s the hospital telling him that his wife has just gotten into a terrible car accident. The man rushes to the hospital. There he meets the doctor and askshow his wife is doing. The doctor takes him aside and says “Look your wife is in terrible condition and will never be able to walk again, on top of this she sustained brain damage which will make it impossible for her to take care of herself. You are going to have to feed her, change her diapers and take care of her every moment of the day.” The man starts crying then the doctor starts laughing and says “No, I’m just fucking with you. She’s dead.”

100 men apply for undercover jobs at the CIA. Only 3 make it to the final test. The final test is one thta proves your loyalty to the CIA. Each man will be given a gun and be placed in front of a door and must walk in and shoot whomever is in a chair in the room. The victems to be will be tied up so all the 3 men must do is pull the trigger. The first man, a 20 yr old, walks in and the door closes behind him. He turns on the light and he sees his newly-wed wife. He walks out the room immediately and says,“I can’t.” The second man, a 30 yr old, walks into his designated room and turns on the light and finds his wife of 10 years. He begins to raise his gun but fails as well. The final man, a 40 yr old, walks into the room, closes the door, turns on the light and finds his wife of 20 years. The men outside hear 10 shots and then a struggle. When he walks out the men ask what happened and he replies,“You wouldn’t believe it. Someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke the bitch.”

U guys CRACK ME UP! That stuff was good,especially the CIA one LMAO!

A grasshopper, a rabbi, a lawyer, two Jews, an Italian, a doctor and a nurse walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What is this, some kinda joke?”

There is a trout in a pond. About 4 inches off the water is a fly. The trout is thinking if that fly drops 4 inches I am going to eat it and I will not be hungry anymore. At the same pond is a bear. The bear is thinking if that fly drops 4 inches that fish grabs that fly I am going to grab that fish and I am not going to be hungry anymore. In the woods by the pond is a hunter. The hunter is thinking if that fly drops 4 inches that fish grabs that fly that bear grabs that fish I am going to shoot that bear and I am not going to be hungry anymore. Well in the same woods is a mouse and the mouse spys a sandwich hanging out of the hunters pocket. The mouse thinks to himself if that fly drops 4 inches that fish grabs that fly that bear grabs that fish that hunter shoots that bear his sandwich will fall out of his pocket I will grab his sandwich and I will not be hungry anymore. Well in the forest is a cat. The cat is thinking if that fly drops 4 inches that fish grabs that fly that bear grabs that fish that hunter shoots that bear that sandwich falls out of his pocket the mouse grabs that sandwich I am going to grab that mouse and I an now going to be hungry anymore. THEN IT HAPPENS. The fly drops 4 inches, the fish eats the fly, the bear grabs and eats the fish, the hunter shoots the bear the sandwich falls out of his pocket. The mouse grabs the sandwich the cat runs at the mouse misses him completely and lands in the pond. What is the moral of the story. “When the fly drops 4 inches the pussy gets wet”.

There’s this Irishman named Shamus sitting in the pub, having a pint, when the new fellow in town walks in and sits down beside him. They get to talking about professions, and Shamus, who has had a few by this point begins; "Now, lad, doya see them houses out there? I built each one of 'em with my bare hands. You’d think they’d call me Shamus the housebuilder…but no. And doya see that bridge out there lad? I built that, with my bare hands. You’d think they’d call me Shamus the bridge builder…but no. And doya see that warf out there lad? I built that, with my bare hands. You’d think they’d call me Shamus the warf builder…no. But fuck one sheep…

Now there’s this accountant named Roger who get conviced of embezzeling millions of dollars from his clients. Normally he’d be placed in one of those minimum security prisions; you know, they go rowing, have trips into town…kinda like summer camp. But minimum security was full, so ol’ Roger was sent off a maximum security. His first day seems easy enough…he’s alone in his cell, gets fed, does some exercise. He’s thinking “I could get used to this. I’ll just sit back, read the Times…no worries”, when this big, fat guy with tattoos everywhere walks in. The fat guy says “Hi, I’m Bubba…I guess we’re going to ge cell mates.” Now Roger is a little shaken, but he manages to introduce himself. Bubba says “Alright Roger, we’re going to play a little game. Its called ‘Mommy and Daddy’. Now, do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?” Now Roger thinks hard about this, weighs the consequences and says, “I’ll be the daddy.” “Alright,” says Bubba, “Daddy gets to suck Mommy’s dick.”

A plane crashes into a remote area of the Pacific Ocean, killing all but three people; two men and one woman. They struggle through the choppy seas to a deserted island, where they start to rough it out. As the months go by, nature takes its course between the three of them, until one day the woman kind not handle what she is doing to two men and kills herself. The two men are distraught over what she has done, but they struggle on. Over the course of the next three months, nature takes its course between the two of them. Until one day, the men can’t live with what they are doing, so they finally buried her.

A 72 year old man is looking over he and his 74 year old wife’s finances. “Honey, our social security barely covers our bills. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m afraid your gonna have to go sell your body”. The woman obliges, and goes out the door as her husband asks. She comes strolling in five hours later and hands her husband two dollars and five cents. The man says “$2.05?? Who in the hell gave you five cents?” to which the woman replied, “Well, everybody!”

“Doctor, I think my son has Syphillis,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is the maid”. “Ok, don’t be hard on him, get him down here so I can take care of him,” the doc said. “Well, I’ve been screwing her as well”, the man replied. “Then come with him, I’ve got something that will clear you both up in no time,” the doc replied. “Well, I think my wife has it as well”, the man said. “Well, fuck”, the doctor shouted, “That means we’ve all got it!”

Matt was in bed with his best friend’s wife. Just before reaching the climax, he stopped suddenly and sat at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. “What the hell is wrong with you?”, the woman asked. “I just feel like a real dick, I mean, here I am getting some of my best friend’s pussy.” “Well,” she soothed, patting his back, “don’t worry, you’re not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper”.

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, “Sharon, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger”. St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate”. St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?”, The girl is a little reluctant but replies “Well I once fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate”. All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Susan, what seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tracy sticks her ass in it !”

A group of drunken guys were on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite remember the address to the house. “I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver. “Well, I have got to go to the bathroom real badly.” Replied one of the others, “I’ll go knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least I’ll get to a toilet!” So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once… no answer. He rings it again… still no answer. He thinks, Well, this is a big house, and a big party… maybe the party is outside, in the backyard. So he walks around the house to the back, but there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprised to find it unlocked and open. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use their bathroom – no one would know. So he goes inside, stumbles around, but can’t find the bathroom anywhere. So he quickly ran up the stairs and searched and searched until finally, as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a golden toilet. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger’s house, and that they could return home at anytime, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car, he excitedly told his friends of the amazing golden toilet. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party. A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party, they drove past the house with the golden toilet. The guy who used the toilet insisted on stopping so he could prove to his friends that these people really did have a golden toilet. So they agreed to check it out. They all walked up to the front door and rang the door bell. And a woman answered the door. “Excuse me ma’am, but could you please let me show my friends here your golden toilet, they don’t believe me!” “So you’re the guy!” The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, “Honey, here’s the guy that shat in your tuba!”

Last one… A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked her, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He nodded. So the stewardess said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”

Why don’t blacks and Mexicans have kids together? The kids grow up too lazy to steal.

A Scottsman named Angus was the town drunk. One Saturday night after his usual drinking he staggered towards home. He took a shortcut through the park and decided to sit down to rest while the world spun lazily about him. He leaned back against a tree and fell asleep. During the night he slid to one side and ended laying on his back with his kilt flipped up onto his stomach. The next morning on their way to church a few ladies took a shortcut through the park too. There they found Angus snoring away with his willy out for the world to see. As a kind of joke one of the women took the red ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around his manhood. They giggled all the way to church. Later Angus wakes up and it’s not long before he finds the ribbon. A bit puzzled he says “Ach, Willie…I don’t know where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing, but at least you won first prize!”.

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room together? A 100 people who don’t do dick!

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers (Rascal, Dumbass ,Bobby) happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man (Rascal) said, ‘My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.’ The second man (Dumbass) said, ‘My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.’ The third man (Bobby) said, ‘My Jim was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.’

What a Jewish child molestor says: “Hey little boy, you want to buy some candy?” I can hear Brock Strasser coming for me right now.

What did the leper say to the prostitute. Keep the tip.

What’s the similarity between a fat chick and a scooter. They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? You cry when you chop up an onion.

Did you guys hear about the two roomies living in San Francisco? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick?

Your mama is like a squirrel. She always has nuts in her mouth! Your mama is like a shotgun. One cock and she blows! Your mama is like a bowling ball. She gets picked up, fingered and thrown in the gutter! Your mama is like a bike. Everyone rides her! Your mama is like a bus. People get on and off her all day! Should I go on? I have many more!

You - “A hispanic man, and a black man jump off a building…who do you think hits the ground first?” (Friends give guesses) You - “Who cares?!” ~Disclaimer - Dawg on the Porch in no way supports black or hispanic people jumping off buildings or any other race doing it nor is he a racist biggot. Having said this I hope you enjoyed the joke…the next one is better though.~

Three guys go into the woods and all of a sudden they stumble upon an ancient indian tribe and all three are captured. They are presented to the chief who tells them that in order to live they have to go out into the forest and collect 10 fruits each separately. So the guys are like, alright, this isn’t that hard, lets do it. So then they all go out. Well, the first guy comes back with 10 apples so the indian cheif says to him, “now you have to shove them all up in your ass without any emotion whatsoever.” Of course the guy was somewhat disturbed by this and then he says, oh well, im gonna go for it. He hets the first on up there, no problem (he was gay) the second one, and then on the third one he flinches in pain and the indians cut off his head. Now, the second guy comes back with ten berries, the indian chief tells him the same and he gets the first, second and third but at the eighth berry he bursts out laughing his ass off and they cut off his head. Later on the first two guys meet up in heaven and the first guy asks the second guy, “Hey man, what the hell happened, you had berries, they are easy and you only had 2 to go!” then the second guy comes out and says, “man, I just couldn’t stop laughing when i saw the third guy come back with 10 watermelons!”

3 guys are standing outside a bar that is on top of the Sears Tower(don’t ask). 1 guy tells the other 2 that at this specific moment of the year there is a strange wind phenomenon that allows you jump straight off the building and drop half the distance of the building and be swept back up to the top. The other 2 guys say its bullshit. The guy says I’ll prove it. He jumps off and sure enough is swept back up to the top. One of the skeptics says,“I’ll go.” He jumps off and plummets to his death. The 3rd man starts to back away but the 1st man says that the 2nd man screwed up when he jumped off and proves that it is possible by jumping off again and being swept back up. The 3rd man says,“What the hell?” He jumps off and dies. The 1st man walks into the bar and the bartrender says,“You sure are an asshole superman.”

Why did so many black people die in vietnam? Becaue when the platoon sargeant said “get down” they all started dancin’.

3 men(I don’t know why every joke has 3 men in it) are flying over a jungle in Africa when their helicopter goes apeshit and they have to crash land. They make it out of the wreckage alive and begin to walk in the jungle. After about an hour of walking they are captured by a group of tribesmen and they are brought to the head of the tribe. He says they have trespassed on sacred land and must choose: death or poodapooda? The 1st guy is thinking anything but death. So he tells the chief,“PoodaPooda.” All of a sudden 5 naked warriors run up to him, throw him on the ground and begin to anally rape him. After 30 minutes its over. The 2nd guy is thinking how much that must have sucked, but still believes it MIGHT be better than death so he chooses,“PoodaPooda.” Now 10 naked warriors spring onto him and start anally raping him. After about an hour its over. The 3rd guy says screw it,“I ani’t getting jumped by some naked warriors, DEATH.” The tribe chief is puzzled for a moment. No one has ever chosen death. His people ask for a response. The chief stands and says,“Death by…PoodaPooda.”

A guy decides to become a hermit and moves out to the middle of nowhere. His nearest neighbor is about 3 miles away. After he’s lived there about 6 months he’s outside doing some work when a neighbor finally stops in. “Howdy neighbor” the man says. “I just stopped by to invite you to a party at my house this Friday”. The man replies “well that’s awful nice of you I sure will try to make it.” To which his neighbor says “well hope you can make it. But I better warn you there will be some drinking. You like to drink don’t ya?” The guy says “sure it’s been 6 months but I do like to drink.” The neighbor then says " after the drinking there might be some fighting. You don’t mind fighting do you?" The guy thinks about it and says " well I’m in pretty good shape so I guess a little fighting wouldn’t be bad. It would be a good way to blow off steam." The neighbor then says “well there will probably be a lot of sex after the fighting. You don’t mind sex do you?” The guy smiles and says " hell it’s been over 6 months for me. Sex would be great. By the way what should I wear?" The neighbor replies " it really don’t matter much it will only be me and you."

For a fat lass you sure have small tits

A man is sitting at a pub in Ireland. A second Irish gentleman walks up to him. “Aye, where ya from, friend”, he says. “Oh” replies the first man “You’ve never heard of it.” “Oh tell me, tell me” says the second man. “I’m from Dublin.” “Dublin!” exclaims the second man, "I’m from Dublin! What part? “Harington Place” replies the first man “Harington Place!” yells the second man “I’m from there as well!” The phone rings and the bartender answers it. The man on the other line asks “What’s going on down there tonight?” “Not much” replies the bartender, “Kelly twins are drunk again.”

“MB Eric: gettin’ his joke on since 1812.” -Eric

“How is George Bush just like Bill Clinton? They’d both do anything for a Lay.”

What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth? One U.S leader.

I stole this from Eddie Murphy. There is a bear and a rabbit taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says “Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit responds “Why no, I don’t have any problems with shit sticking to my fur.” So the bear picks up the rabbit and whipes his ass with him.

I have another good one but I can’t remember it just yet so here’s a unique one. A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Where is the bartender?” Get it?

A 7 year old boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog by a leash. He goes up to the woman at the desk and says, ?give me the dirtiest whore u have? the woman replies ?we don?t have any dirty whores here? so the boys slaps a hundred dollar bill on the table and say ?I want the dirtiest whore u have and make sure she has HIV as well.? The woman replies the same as before ?we don?t have any dirty whores with HIV here? so the boy puts down another hundred-dollar bill and the woman similes and says ?Go upstairs and she will be wanting for you in the room to the right?. The boy processes upstairs and the dead frog on the leash hits every step on the way up. After 10 minutes the boy is finished and walks back down and the frog hits every step on the way down. On his way out the door, the lady at the front desk stops him and asks ?I have got to know, why in the world would u want to have sex with a woman with HIV? so the boy explains??You see I now have HIV and I am going to go home and have sex with my dog so he will get it. When my dad gets home from work and he will fuck the dog and my dad will get it as well. Later at night my dad will have sex with my mom and give the HIV virus to her, the next morning my mom will have sex with the mailman, and that is the son of a bitch who killed my frog.?

A guy who lives in Manhattan has always wanted to go bear hunting so one day he calls in sick, takes off from work and goes up to the Adirondacks. He finds a gun shop and explains to the owner that he needs a gun. He buys a shotgun and heads up to the hills where he is told that the bears live. After a few minutes he sees a bear, then quietly takes aim and shoots. He hurries to the top of the hill where he sees a small shotgun hole in the ground but no bear. Suddenly, he is tapped on the shoulder and when he turns around he is surprised to see a bear who proceeds to pull down the man’s pants and violently rapes him. The man goes back to the gun shop." That gun you sold me didn’t work, and something terrible happened to me. I need a bigger gun." The gun owner sells him a larger caliper shotgun, and again the man returns to the woods. Soon, he again sees the bear,takes aim, and shoots. He again rushes up the hill where he sees a larger hole in the ground, but no bear.He is again tapped on the shoulder and the angry bear again has his way with him. Disgruntled , the man goes back to the gun shop. “That gun didn’t work either. I need the biggest fucking gun you have!” The owner sells him a bazooka and assures him that it will work. The man hurries back to the woods, sees the bear again, aims, and blasts the bazooka up toward the hill. He again rushes up the hill and sees a virtual crater, but no bear. Once again he is tapped on the shoulder. The man spins around ,faces the bear and says, “Allright, get it over with already.” The bear says “OK, but can I ask you one question?” “I guess so,” says the man. “It’s not really about the hunting for you, is it?”

A chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken’s on one side with one hand behind his head, relaxing, smoking a cigarette; while the egg’s on the other side frowning with it’s arms crossed. Then the egg says: “Well I guess we answered that question!”

Two laboratory researchers were talking one day. One said to the other, you know we’ve replaced our white laboratory rats with lawyers. Really said the other, “why?” Three reasons: lawyers are more plentiful, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and there are just some things that white laboratory rats will not do

How many lawyer jokes are there? Three. The rest are all true stories.

I heard this from a friend ages ago, but I have a vague memory that TC may have used this in a column. A man boards a plane, and sits down next to a beautiful woman. After a while he strikes up a conversation with her. In talking with her he finds out she is going to a nymphomaniacs convention. So he asks her what kinds of men make the best lovers. She tells him three kinds: (american) indian men because they are really built and have a lot of stamina, doctors because they know how a woman’s body operates, and jewish men, because they are so considerate. He asks her name and when she asks for his, he introduces himself as Tonto Goldstein, M.D.

HMB feels just like deca! I’m the author of an underground steroid manual and Body For Life! I sell crappy supplements because I like to help people change their bodies, and change their lives. Body For LIFE Challenge only lasts 12 weeks. My magazine used to have a column called steriod profile, now it has a low fat recipe of the month, just like Better Homes and Gardens. Who am I?

a crocadile walks into a bar with a toaster on his head. The monkey says “hey u got a dollar” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

There’s a lion and a tiger sitting in a bathtub. The lion says to the tiger, “pass the soap.” The tiger says “no soap radio.”

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!” The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!” AND AGAIN… One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” she said “Excellent, Michael!” Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, …just fucking beautiful!’” Big D :slight_smile:

Q: how do you cure a bodybuilder of depression? A: put him in a room of mirrors. Q: why does a bodybuiler desire single digit B.F. percentage? A: so it can match his I.Q.

Cinderella is going to the ball, but her evil, evil stepmother says that if she doesn’t return by midnight then her tampon will turn into a pumpkin. Although scared, off to the ball she goes. As midnight rolls around there’s no Cinderella, then two, three and finally at four o’clock she comes home and her stepmother says “What took you so long!?” Cinderella replies, “I’m sorry stepmother, I met this guy and I just lost track of time.” The stepmother again demands, “Your tampon was suppose to turn into a pumpkin at midnight! It’s four in the morning!” And again Cinderella stammers, “I don’t know, I was with this guy and I forgot all about it.” The stepmother asks, “Well who is he, what’s his name?” Cinderella answers, “It’s something like Peter, Peter…”

An american, an englishman, and an irishman are sitting in a pub. The englishman gets served a beer with a fly in it. He picks out the fly, shows it to the bartender, and leaves. The american gets served a beer with a fly in it. He picks out the fly, shows it to the bartender, and leaves without paying his tab. The irishman gets served a beer with a fly in it. He picks out the fly, sets it on the bar and shouts “spit it out, you bastard!!!”

Sopranos classic: There’s a rich man and a poor man who happen to have the same wedding anniversary. Over the last 20 years they’ve bumped into each other as they’d be shopping. This being the big 20th year they stopped and asked each other what it was they had bought for there wives. So the poor man asked the rich man what he purchased and the rich man replied “a diamond necklace and a Benz” the poor man, curious to know then asked, “why did you buy both?” The rich man explained, " I figured that if she didn’t like the necklace, she’d at least enjoy returning it in her new Benz!" The poor man was quite impressed. So now the rich man asks the poor man what it is he bought his wife and the poor man replies “a pair of slippers and a dildo.” The rich man, quite puzzled inquires “why slippers and a dildo?” The poor man then explains “if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!!!”

Do you know what’s even better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded at all.

An amused looking middle-aged man and a somewhat chagrined 12 year old boy are wandering down a path in Ireland. They come to the door of a convent and knock. The Mother Superior answers and the older man says to her, “Beggin’ yer’ pardon Mother, but do you have any leprechan nuns here at your convent?” She responds “Why no sir, I can’t imagine what you mean.” The older man looks more amused, the younger, more sheepish. Again he asks, “Mother, do you know of any leprechan nuns in the district?” She chides, “You can’t be serious. Of course there are no leprechan nuns in the distict.” The man looks still more amused, the boy more beside himself. Finally the older man asks “Mother Superior, in all the counties of Ireland, is there even ONE leprechan nun?” She replies, “Good sir, there are no leprechan nuns…anywhere.” “Thank you Mother,” he says looking down at the now sulking boy. “You see son, I told you, you were fucking a penguin.”

Although the Pats Super Bowl win has eased the pain of being a New England sports fan temporarily, I’m still getting ready for Red Sox spring training: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Yankees players on them…people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do you call 20 Yankees Fans skydiving from an airplane? A: Diarrhea Q: If you see a Yankees fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: What do Yankees fans and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do you have when 100 Yankees fans are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Yankees fan in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What do Yankees fans use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Yankees fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: Shoot the Yankees Fan…Twice!

What is a bodybuilder with intellegence called? A: A beginner.

Story of an elderly couple celebrating their last V-Day together. The husband, who has been very ill for a very long time, with no hope of recovery, with the end very near, wakes up on Valentine’s Day. He smells the aroma of chocolate chip cookies, his favorite, gently rising from the kitchen to his bedroom. As weak as he is, he decides that he must get to the kitchen to sample one fresh from the oven and thank his lovely spouse for baking them… He crawls from bed, drags himself to the stairs, literally crawls down the stairs to the first floor, laboriously makes his way to the kitchen, where he finally spies the cookies. He pulls himself along the counter and reaches out for one when his wife snaps, “Leave those alone, they’re for the funeral”

On the breasts of a barmaid in Wales…Were tattooed the prices of ales…And on her behind…For the sake of the blind…Was the same information in braille!

A mathematician named Hall…Had a hexahedronical ball…And the cube of it’s weight…Plus his pecker times eight…Is his number, so give him a call!

This story is about a guy named abdul, who immigrated from Pakistan 6 months ago. For the last 3 months, abdul has been suffering from constant migraines, cold sweats and sleeplessness. He’s visited several American doctors and none can diagnose the cause of his ailments. On the advice of his mother, Abdul decides to seek out a pakistani doctor. Upon telling the pakistani doctor of his problems the paki-doc tells the man he knows of a cure. Strangly, the paki-doc tells Abdul to shit and piss in a bucket and then put your head over the bucket and breathe deeply for an hour. Abdul follows the paki-docs instructions, and to his suprise, after an hour he feels wonderful. He asks the pak-doc what the problem was…the paki-doc calmly replied, “my dear paki friend, you were just homesick”!!

This one I wrote myself about a big SOB on one of my ships. When he heard it he grabbed me and stuffed me in a locker. Worth it – got a huge laugh at lunch that day, esp I think, because he got pissed:…A sailor named Hanson would hate…When the crew made fun of his weight…He thought it was no fun when they said ten tons…He knew that his tonnage was eight!

A girl with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach crying. Guy walks by, sees her and asks, “What is the matter dear?” She says, “I’m 18 and I’ve never been kissed.” He’s touched, and replies,“No problem.” and leans over a gives her a wet one. She smiles and he goes off to play volleyball with his friends. Later, he’s passing by again, and she’s crying again, so he says “Now what’s wrong?” She says, “I’m 18 and I’ve never been fucked” He say “no problem” picks her up, and throws her into the ocean. “Now you’re fucked!”

Why do women have legs?..1 So they won’t leave snail trails…2 So their feet won’t smell like pussy…Why do men usually die before their wives? It’s their only escape…Why are all my jokes misogynistic? Beats me, I am trying to think of some that aren’t, but nothing’s coming up…How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That’s not funny…How many college girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? They’re women, not girls, and that’s not funny either…How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to blow me…My son actually said this to one of his co-ed classmates during a political discussion: “So you’re a feminist? That’s so cute!”…Still trying to think of a non-woman bashing joke…

What’s the difference between a man and a carp? One’s a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish. (grin just for you huck! laugh)

Why do men give their penises nicknames? They don’t want a stranger making all their decisions…

What’s the difference between a clever midget and a whore with gonnorea? The first one is a cunning runt.

What’s the difference between an Admiral in the Swedish navy and a reliable vacuum cleaner? One sucks and never fails…

Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she could moan with the other.

In a bar that is on the outskirts of town,a man is sitting alone having a beer. In walks a woman in a red dress - this man see’s her and thinks she is the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. She sits next to him - they start talking. She offers him a hand job - for $500. He’s amazed that she’s a prostitue AND a handjob for $500???. She points out the window of the bar - “see that car?” she asks - he see’s a beautiful VERY EXPENSIVE Ferrari…“I bought that with money from handjobs…” Well, he thinks - “Why not?” It’s the best damn hand job he’s ever gotten. He comes back to the bar the following night - in walks the woman. This time she offers a blowjob for $1000. Before he could say anything, she takes him outside and points to a beautiful skyscraper not far from the bar, “see that building?”, she asks…“I bought that with money from blowjobs…” It’s the best damn blowjob he’s ever had. The following day, he decides that dammit, he’s gonna go all the way with this woman. He didn’t care what the price…he shows up at the bar. Later, so does the woman. He propositions her and she smiles, takes his hand and they walk outside. She points to the skyline of the city - “see that?” she asks. He exclaims “you, you… own THAT?!” (and starts thinking that this is gonna be incredible!)… “Oh no…“she says…” but I intend to AFTER my ‘little’ operation…” and pulls up her dress to reveal “her” bulging package…

The Apaches finally capture the Lone Ranger. They take him up to the village and show him to the Chief. The Chief says ?You are a great warrior but for what you have done to our tribe I have no choice but to have you killed. In respect for your great skills as a warrior you will have three days to get your affairs in order.? The Lone Ranger is led to a teepee where he is guarded. After a bit he asks to speak to the Chief. When the Chief arrives he says ?My horse means a lot to me, I?d like to spend some time with Silver if I could?. The Chief agrees that no harm can come from that and leaves. The Lone Ranger goes up to Silver and whispers in his ear for a bit, scratches his head, and unties him. Just before dark Silver shows up with a stunning brunette in front of the Lone Ranger?s teepee. She goes inside and is in there all night. The next morning she gets on Silver, the Lone Ranger whispers in his ear again and he?s off. That night he returns with a fiery redhead and the process is repeated. The Chief is wondering what kind of horse Silver is to do this kind of work so he sneaks over to try and hear the Lone Ranger talking to him. What he over hears is: ?For the last time, I said posse, go get a posse?.

Did you hear about the job opening over at the city zoo ? Circumsizing bull elephants ; 50 skins a week and a chance to get a head.

How do you know if you’ve got a high sperm count? When the bitch chews before she swallows… What’s the worst thing about cooking a vegetable? Getting the wheelchair into the oven…

I thought I’d let my friends in on a little secret I’ve found for building my arm and shoulder muscles.You might want to try this …3 days/week seems to be working for me. I started with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extended by arms straight out to my sides and held them there as long as I could. After about 2 weeks, I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and now, I’m finally to the point where I can lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for almost 30 seconds. Next, I’ll start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to over-do it once you reach this level.

In a train carriage there were Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passed through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. When they emerged from the tunnel, Clinton had a big red mark on his cheek. Bo Derek thought - “That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face. Wow, I’m really tired from all that thinking!” Janet Reno thought - “That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him. She’s got higher morals than I thought.” Bill Clinton thought - “George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake, she slapped me. That George is a sly one; really Presidential.” George Bush thought - “Railroads are fun! Maybe there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.” Footnote: If he had known things like this were going to happen, Al Gore might have thought twice before he invented the railroad.

A father and son are in a department store. Son says “Dad will you buy me this bicycle”? Dad says “Son, can you wrap your dick around your waist and touch your ass with it”? Son says “no” Dad says “well then you can’t get the bike”. Son says “Dad, will you buy me this skateboard”? Dad says “Son, can you wrap your dick around your waist and touch your ass with it”? Son says “No”. Dad says “then you can’t get the skateboard”. As they are leaving the store, Dad feels bad for his son and says “I’ll tell you what son, I’ll buy you this lottery ticket,scratch it off and see if you have any luck”. Son scratches it off and wins a million dollars. Dad says “Son, your gonna give your dear old dad some of that money right”? Son says “Let me ask you a question dad”. “Can you wrap your dick around your waist and touch your ass with it”? Dad says " Sure I can" Son Says “Good then go fuck yourself”.

Who was the first Black prostitute? Kunta Kinte’s sister, Renta Cunta

What’s the difference between Niel Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Niel Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson…fucks little boys.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.” #8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.” #7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.” #6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?” #5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh…she got fired too.” #4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.” #3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.” #2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small >white guy. “What’s wrong?”. The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”. The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” The small white guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said ‘Turn around’!” #1 There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!”

What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and see your TV floating in the dark? … Drop it, nigger!

jokes: Tae-bo, super blue green algae, Ernie Taylor, GNC, infomercials, natural competitions and doing abs every day.

Q. Dear Dr CockMongrel, I just finished a heavy cycle of Cybergenics and I need a way you get my test back up. Should I try Clomid, Nolvadex, or just keep sucking down gallons of tasty man-sauce? Most of it drips down my chin and man-titties. What should I do? JC

A. JC, you should go kill yourself, you little prick.

Q - why did God invent yeast infections? A - So women know what its like to live with an irrating cunt once ina while!

A man walks into a bar wearing an expensive Armani suit, rolex and a 2 carot pinky ring. He is huge except for his head which is diminutive (small), and totally out of proportion to the remainder of his body. The bartender sees him and says “what the hell happened to you?” He says "You will never believe this, I was walking along a beach and I found an old bottle. I rubbed it and, incredibly, a beautiful geany appeared. She was gordeous - like Barbera Eden of “I Dream of Geany” fame. She said, “You have released me of 1000 years of bondage and for that, I will grant you three wishes.” So the man says OK, I want a million $, and poof - there it appears on the beach. The man then says, “For my second wish I want to fuck you.” The geany says, “Now, now, you just lost a wish.” So the man says, “OK, how about a little head.”

Did you hear about the confused, mediocre raw bar tender with a fetish for love seats? He could figure out if he was a fair chucker or a chair fucker.

What will you hear a guy say on the golf course, but never while getting a blow job? Slow down, Slow down, bite, bite you cocksucker, bite.

What does an oriental family name their retarded son? Sum Ting Wong

What did one gerbil say to the other? Lets go to the local gay bar and get shitfaced.

what do u say to a girl with two black eyes? nothin,she’s already been told twice

The Chinese are communists, but billions of chinese cant all be wong. Whats brown and sticky, a stick. oh man, i crack myself up.

There’s a rabbi and a priest walking down the street together and they approach a boy of about 7 years of age. The priest nudges the rabbi and says, “Hey, lets fuck him”, to which the rabbi replies, “Out of what?”. BOOM!