Joke of the Day

Off Topic
742

[quote]pushharder wrote:
Cyclist Removed from Nude Bike Ride after ‘Becoming Aroused’

“A witness told Kent Online: ‘Everyone was taking their clothes off to get ready for the ride. I heard gasps and I turned around – it was a horrible sight.’”

[/quote]

I wonder what it was that did it for him? I love bicycles, but so far it’s been a platonic affair.

Actually, I’m a member of British Naturism as well and this event was covered there. According to their correspondent it was in all probability someone deliberately looking for offence, coupled with some creative writing. The marshalling area was open to the public and some nasty types turned up wanting a free perv.

743


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744

“Hello, you have reached the Men’s Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with “the girls” a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.”

“Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

745

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him…

a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

746

This is a visual one that won’t seem funny being explained but it’ll be great when you try it on a friend:

-Tell them to hold out their hand.
-Ask them what it is
-They’ll say “uh…my hand?”
-Put your elbow in their hand and flex your biceps and say “IT’S A GUN RACK!”

747

3 Senators are on the Stairs of the Capitol finishing lunch, and upon walking back up the vaulted stairs come across a Genie’s Lamp.
Well, they bend down and pick it up. After rubbing for a while a damned Genie actually appears.

He says that since there are three of them, they will each be granted a singular wish.

So the first senator, who is Hispanic, says the he and all the other hispanic people in this country would like to go home to mexico and live in peace and quietude. Voile’, it is done by the genie.

The second senator, who is African American, says that he too and all his countrymen would like to return to native soil and live in peace and quietude amongst their own. Voile’, it too is done by the genie.

So the third senator, a WASP (white anglo-saxon protestant) says to the genie…Let me get this straight, the spics are home in mexico, correct ?
Yes says the genie, they are home

And the Wasp Senator says…Let me get THIS straight, all the little n*ggers are home on the african continent, correct ?
Yes…(long sigh) says the genie, they too are home.

So the Wasp Senator says…Well, in that case I’ll have a Coke.

748

Previous Joke rewritten with deepest reguards to Troy Duffy !

please do not sue…

749

Who’s Troy Duffy?

Will that lead as to the answer as to why that joke was so much shit?

750

Nards: re-written joke from Boondock Saints . … …

751

Approximately thirty minutes into an evening flight from Glasgow,
the lead flight attendant made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our airport catering service - we have 100 passengers on board and unfortunately, only 40 meals.

Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive unlimited, free drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later -

“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

752

[quote]treco wrote:
Approximately thirty minutes into an evening flight from Glasgow,
the lead flight attendant made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our airport catering service - we have 100 passengers on board and unfortunately, only 40 meals.

Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive unlimited, free drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later -

“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”
[/quote]

I clicked immediately when I saw your name and it was indeed gold!

This’ll be my go to joke for a while.

753

Wit always wins over anger…

When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always “arguments” and confrontations.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.” Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?” Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.” Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken wisdom, don’t you think?” Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”

Mr. Peters, by this time was beside himself and so great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

1 Like
754

[quote]Nards wrote:

[quote]treco wrote:
Approximately thirty minutes into an evening flight from Glasgow,
the lead flight attendant made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our airport catering service - we have 100 passengers on board and unfortunately, only 40 meals.

Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive unlimited, free drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later -

“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”
[/quote]

I clicked immediately when I saw your name and it was indeed gold!

This’ll be my go to joke for a while.
[/quote]
That was great

755

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 note on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
“Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Bob took the money.

1 Like
756

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the
Superior culture over coffee, the Greek says, “Well, we built the Parthenon.”
The Italian replies, “Ya, but we built the Coliseum!”
The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to modern mathematics.”
"The Italian, nodding, says, “We built the vast Roman Empire.”
And so on, and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

Undaunted, the Italian quickly chirps back, "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.?

757

I fell asleep in the middle of a powerlifting meet today. During the bench portion of the 235ers, to be exact.

I think that’s kinda funny - and also makes me question why I even bench since I find it such a damn boring display of strength.

758

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. ‘Begorrah, Colleen,’ says her mother. ‘Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin’ an’ it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?’ Colleen replies, ‘Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don’t they have wonderful prizes in London?’ When the weekend’s over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she’s back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she’s wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mum… same response ‘Won it at bingo!’ Colleen returns to the bright lights again.

A few months later, she’s back. This time she’s sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother £1,000 and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the bathroom, there’s only a quarter inch of hot water in the bath. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed £1,000, calls downstairs: ‘Mum! sure now, didn’t I ask you to run me a bath? There’s only a quarter inch of water in the tub!’

‘Indeed there is, me darlin,’ replies her Mum. ‘But we don’t want ye gettin’ yer bingo card wet now, do we?’

759

Two male friends sitting drinking and in general giving each other a friendly hard time,
The one with a full head of reaches over to his friend, who is bald.
He rubs his hand over the man’s bare scalp and says: “That’s as smooth and firm as my wifes ass.”
The bald guy , only slightly taken aback, takes his own hand and rubs his scalp the same way.
He turns to the first guy and says: You’re right!"

760

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his mother, to visit his Granddad. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his mother and bursts into his Granddad’s room.

Grandpa," he says excitedly, “as soon as my mom comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said his Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog, because mom said as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”