The Mexican word of the day is ‘Chicken wing’
My old lady needs to play the lotto tonight so chicken wing and we can be rich
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished’.
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
Ole answered, “Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face…I had nuttin’ to lose, so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.”
So the trainer exclaimed, “That’s what finished him off!”
“Vel, not really… You’d be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own Nuts!”
During the last war an Englishman was shot down over Germany. He was badly injured and placed in hospital. His German Doctors told him they had to cut off his right arm. The Englishman said ‘OK, but I want you to drop that arm over my airfield in England’. The doctors were astounded at this request, but nonetheless agreed.
A little later they had to inform the Englishman they had to cut off his left leg. The Englishman said ‘OK, but I want you to drop that leg over my airfield in England’. Again the doctors were astounded but agreed to this.
A few days later they came back and told the poor man they had to cut off his right leg. Again the Englishman asked that the leg be dropped on his airfield back in England.
The Doctors responded ‘Nein, nein, Vis ve cannot do!’
‘Why not?’ asked the Englishman.
‘Ve think you are trying to escape.’
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English - they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”
A girl asked me, “What are some good comebacks for my boyfriend? After sex, he always tells me to go get him a sandwich and I want a good comeback.”
I replied, “I don’t know, but you better come back with a sandwich!”
Two gay guys live together one morning one of them wakes to find his lover has passed away overnight after a distraught few hours of crying and cuddling his dead lovers naked body he decides to chop him up into little pieces and eat him he’s goes into the kitchen with the blood soaked bed sheets full of chopped up homo parts and starts cooking up a storm that night he makes the most insane brain melting hot curry he has ever eaten he eats this for dinner and lunch over the next few days eventually people start getting suspicious and the cops arrive at his door after hours of interrogation he breaks down crying and admits that he chopped up his partners dead body and ate him the copper is shocked and disgusted but most of all he is confused he asked the guy why? …“why didn’t you just call the police if you didn’t kill him” to which the guy reply’s “I just wanted to feel him dribble out of my ass just one more time”
Hear about the Hillary Clinton diet?
Everyday Putin comes in, knocks you over, and takes your lunch.
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a laptop, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Ontario back country. As I was not familiar with the back roads, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight… There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
My Thai girlfriend reassures me that a small penis won’y affect our relationship.
Whether she’s right or not, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have one at all!
I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, ‘I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve just hit your cat.’
‘Oh no,’ she cried, ‘is he in a bad way?’
‘Put it this way,’ I said. ‘My cricket bat snapped in half.’
A woman goes to her Gynecologist.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the doctor.
“Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”
The doctor had a look, chuckled and said, “Those aren’t postage stamps my dear, they’re the stickers off the bananas.”
There once was a man from Japan,
Whose poetry never would scan,
When he was asked why,
He said with a sigh,
It’s probably because I put too many fucking words in the last sentence
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman’s office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob, looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”
“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.
“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.
“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”
“You’d swear to that?”
“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”
“Good, then you fire her!!!”
[quote]cakewalk wrote:
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Ontario back country. As I was not familiar with the back roads, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight… There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”[/quote]
This one…
[quote]Dave 966 wrote:
I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and said, ‘I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve just hit your cat.’
‘Oh no,’ she cried, ‘is he in a bad way?’
‘Put it this way,’ I said. ‘My cricket bat snapped in half.’[/quote]
…and this one really had me laughing.
My coworkers always wondered why I ate at crappy restaurants.
Years ago, a guy I hadn’t see since high school caught my attention at McDonald’s. He used to make fun of me for being fat and having acne, and studying and doing well in school. I lit up when I saw that he recognized me, but he greeted me with an old jab:
“HELLOOOO??? McFlyyyyy!!!” like Biff in “Back to the Future”.
My heart sunk. I had lost the weight, my skin cleared up, and I turned my hard work into a great job, and I’m still THAT nerdy guy.
It took all my strength to tell him:
Yes.
Yes, I would like fries with that.
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or sex,” and she said, “Wear sun-block.”
Sorry if a re-post.
What if he thought she meant put on a condom and was calling it a son-block,
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking pals on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.”
A husband went to the sheriff?s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I?m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don?t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don?t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and ?Bubba? floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don?t worry buddy. We?ll find your truck