Joke of the Day

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children, running around at her feet. “I am doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes my husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking?” He said,“What do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.”

[quote]WhiteSturgeon wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]WhiteSturgeon wrote:
find your power animal[/quote]
Oh shiiiiiiit what’s a power animal?

Can you just pick whatever you want? Can it be extinct? Like could mine be a short-faced bear?[/quote]

Absolutely. Mine happens to be the African pygmy mouse. Although when confronted with very difficult decisions I often ask myself, "What would the honey badger do? So perhaps I have two. [/quote]

In any situation, the honey badger would just not give a shit.

Which is pretty badass.

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, “I don’t think they know who we are - show them your cross.”
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Screw off, ya little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, “Was that cross enough?”

Another joke for the Catholics here.

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.

"Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

'Four months vacation and five good leads."

Best Comeback Line Ever

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around’ he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ‘Guess I was really into it, y’know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. ‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Deputy Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.’ Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence … 'I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: ‘A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?’ The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as “The best come-back line ever.”

I thought I had killed it, but this damn thread just dragged me back in for another go.

At an eminent and prestigious wine merchant’s establishment, the regular taster had died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He put a sign in the shop window. An old man who appeared drunk, with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director was impatient with this smelly intrusion in his office, and wondered how to send him away. He called in his beautiful blond assistant to witness the proceedings.

He gave the ragged man a glass of randomly chosen wine to drink.
The drunk man tasted it, swirled the wine over his tongue and said:
"It’s a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, South West France, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.?
“Amazing! That is correct,” said the boss.
Another glass…

“It’s a Cabernet Sauvignon,” said the drunk, “but from Chile, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
Astounded, the director blurted out, glancing over at his blond assistant, “That is correct!”

A third glass…
‘‘It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, from the central Alsace region, very, very high grade and exclusive,’’ the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished.
He decided to play a trick on the drunk, not believing such accuracy was possible, he winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something else that looked like wine.
She left the room, and after a few minutes came back in with a glass of urine and handed it to the ragged man.

He put it to his nose, sniffed it, swirled it, let his tongue touch the brim of the glass, then said, “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

Paddy texts his wife…

Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.

If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’
St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota ,
I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!’

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Couple of minutes ago.’

If Liv Tyler and Jet Li were in ancient Rome would they be called 54 Tyler and Jet 51?

I got dyslexia when I was 6…I read everything backwards. Two months later I got it again so it pretty much took care of itself.

[quote]Nards wrote:
If Liv Tyler and Jet Li were in ancient Rome would they be called 54 Tyler and Jet 51?[/quote]

Sure. They’d live right next to 1100 Hammer, Sir 1009-a-Lot and Professor 10.

[quote]Varqanir wrote:

[quote]Nards wrote:
If Liv Tyler and Jet Li were in ancient Rome would they be called 54 Tyler and Jet 51?[/quote]

Sure. They’d live right next to 1100 Hammer, Sir 1009-a-Lot and Professor 10.[/quote]

Malcolm 10 is Professor 10’s room mate?

[quote]dmaddox wrote:

[quote]Varqanir wrote:

[quote]Nards wrote:
If Liv Tyler and Jet Li were in ancient Rome would they be called 54 Tyler and Jet 51?[/quote]

Sure. They’d live right next to 1100 Hammer, Sir 1009-a-Lot and Professor 10.[/quote]

Malcolm 10 is Professor 10’s room mate?
[/quote]

That’s funny. I had actually originally written Malcolm 10.

[quote]Nards wrote:
I got dyslexia when I was 6…I read everything backwards. Two months later I got it again so it pretty much took care of itself.[/quote]

Hear about the dyslexic agnostic satanist?

He worships Santa, while questioning the existence of dogs.

[quote]Varqanir wrote:

[quote]dmaddox wrote:

[quote]Varqanir wrote:

[quote]Nards wrote:
If Liv Tyler and Jet Li were in ancient Rome would they be called 54 Tyler and Jet 51?[/quote]

Sure. They’d live right next to 1100 Hammer, Sir 1009-a-Lot and Professor 10.[/quote]

Malcolm 10 is Professor 10’s room mate?
[/quote]

That’s funny. I had actually originally written Malcolm 10. [/quote]

I needed a good laugh.

[quote]Varqanir wrote:

[quote]Nards wrote:
If Liv Tyler and Jet Li were in ancient Rome would they be called 54 Tyler and Jet 51?[/quote]

Sure. They’d live right next to 1100 Hammer, Sir 1009-a-Lot and Professor 10.[/quote]

Good ones! I’m stealing those.

Why is it so hard to fool an aborted fetus?

It wasn’t born yesterday.

Two wives go out for girls’ night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband called the other and said “No more girl’s nights out! My wife came back with no panties.” The other husband said "You think that’s bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read: ‘From all of us at the fire station. We’ll never forget you!’ "