Joke of the Day

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. ‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

[quote]conservativedog wrote:
Some puns for the educated mind…

  1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in LinoleumBlownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I’ll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[/quote]

I like it but can we get back to more T&A jokes? :slight_smile:

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a man–so drunk he couldn’t see straight–slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!” The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!” The bartender approached the drunk and said, “it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but, tell me, why do you keep calling her a ballerina?”

The drunk replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.”

Q: Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients.

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive a car?

She was a woman.

Q.
How did they know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

A.
Any other place and they would have called it a teethbrush.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

A doctor at the Bellevue asylum, in Jamaica, decided to take his patients to a cricket game …

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands .

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After sixes and fours were hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts”. They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts”, and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their responses…the doctor decided to go get a Red Stripe beer…leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his stressed-out assistant, the doctor asked, “What in the world happened ?”

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled… “PEANUTS!”

Two blondes walk into a building…

you’d have thought at least one of them saw it.

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in their ear.

How does the blonde turn on the light after she has had sex?

She opens the car door.

How does a blonde prefer her eggs?

Unfertilized.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

Nice tits!

What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?

A Divorcee.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

A2: Don’t tell her to swallow.

Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?

She likes guys.


French Army Knife

Why do new Spanish Navy ships have glass bottoms?
–So they can see their old ships.

Did you hear about the new French main battle tank?
It has five speeds: one forward and four reverse.
The one forward gear is in case they are attacked from behind.

What should you do if a squad of Chinese infantry attacks your rear?
–Don’t worry. They’ll be done soon.

The lone ranger and tonto are riding down the trail. Tonto jumps off his horse and puts his ear to the floor.
Tonto: buffalo come here…
Lone ranger: how do you know, tonto?
Tonto: ear stuck to ground…

A couple whose marriage is on the rocks are at a dinner party. They start arguing, and she says she’s divorcing him and she’s taking the kids with her, so he picks up a trifle and shoves it in her face.

She gets custardy.

Q: What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?

A: The Wheelchair