Joke of the Day

Here ya go, man!

Very nice push.

That’s one dead duck!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s heart. “I’m so sorry; your pet duck has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” the vet replied.

“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “150!” she cried. “150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged. "I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been twenty dollars. But, what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up

is this the one

There is a 2.0, as well, but the original still has room to grow.

[quote]pushharder wrote:
anonym wrote:

There is a 2.0, as well, but the original still has room to grow.

That’s the one! What did you type in the search function? Sometimes I can find it and sometimes I can’t.[/quote]

Gotta use Google, man (T-Nation Joke Du Jour → show more results from this site). The search engine this site uses is pretty much useless.

This guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks him if he wants to make 100 bucks. He tells the guy he has to do three things: one) he has to slam a gallon of tequila all at once, 2) he has to take a sore tooth out of this old pitbull’s mouth with his bare hands, and three) there’s an old woman who lives above the bar who’s on her deathbed and she’s never had an orgasm and the guy can’t let her die like that.

The guy thinks about it but declines. But after a few drinks he’s feeling brave and he goes for it. First, he slams the tequila to his face like a champ. The bartender tells him the pitbull is out back, so the guy staggers out the back door. Everyone in the bar is waiting and they can hear all this yelling and barking and howling and shit. After a few minutes, the guy staggers back in, clothes torn up, bloody, just totally fucked up. He goes up to the bartender and says, “OK. Now where’s the old woman with the sore tooth!”

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

Nards, out of date.

[quote]Nards wrote:
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

Nards, out of date.[/quote]

Too soon.

There once was a girl from Morton,
Who had a long tit and a short one,
On top of all that, a big hairy twat,
that farts like a 650 Norton.

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop
Dr. Dre

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He was “peeling” well.

What did the man say after he walked into a bar?
Ouch

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

[quote]Nards wrote:
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

Nards, out of date.[/quote]

what’s the diff between christopher reeve and o.j. simpson?

reeve got the chair, and o.j. walked…

i’m going to hell for that one…

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip

[quote]Oroborus wrote:
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop
Dr. Dre

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He was “peeling” well.

What did the man say after he walked into a bar?
Ouch

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot
[/quote]

what’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

(old i know)