T Nation

Jesus or Burn


Well, folks, I have been away for awhile living my life -- yes it is good to have a life. You guys should try it sometime!

I went onto T-Nation expecting to find something new. What did I find, the same blah, blah, blah, blah -- man's "grand" ideas about how the universe works and more slander against the Lord of Heaven and His Messiah -- God Incarnate -- The Lord Jesus Christ.

Do you guys not see the "handwriting on the wall?" With all of the wars going on and the nuclear threats -- especially in the Middle East -- tells me that the end times are a commin'.

[b] The choice is yours: Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and call out to Him, or burn.

          Bow or Burn

There is no other choice friends. It is either flee off of the broad road that is leading you to destruction in an eternal Hell and get onto the narrow way that leads to LIFE. Yes LIFE -- life eternal.

The day is coming that you will no longer be able to make that choice. Make it now. The time is short.

         Bow or Burn

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his son into the world to condemn the world; but thta the world through him might be saved.

He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God."

John 3:16-18


And we all know your skill at correctly interpreting things.

So, since your interpretation is the one and true sole correct interpretation, where does that leave you when you are proven wrong with respect to the rest of your pile of interpretations?


thank you random doomsday prophet number 9,836.

And what's so wrong with "grand" ideas about how the universe works?


What are YOU going to do when the end does come? Bow or Burn, Vroomy.


Everything is wrong about 'grand' ideas when they are grandly wrong.

You take man, I'll take God at His Word.

Ren, it's Bow or Burn


I have a bag of marshmallows ready, want to make some smores Vroom?


You say they are wrong because they conflict with your worldview.

And should God decide to lay waste to the Earth in my lifetime, I'll take it up with him when the time comes. But until then I am not gonna live my life out of fear of some mythical apocalypse that has been prophesized to happen every time the shit has hit the fan the past 2000 years.



How many threads have you started of this sentiment? Enough.

The forums have already taken a decidedly southward dip due to the incoming flux of conspiracy goons. Your attempt to come in and agitate - which is what I am guessing all this thread really is - continues the downward plunge.


Sweet, another Rapture lunatic. Good to see the Left Behind theology is alive and well.



I'm sure John was a nice guy with good intentions and all, but it doesn't much matter what his interpretation of things was -- not when we can find the original words straight from the horses mouth, so to speak.


Yeah man, I'll bring the graham crackers!!!


So God sacrificed Himself to Himself to save His own creation from Himself?

That makes sense. Well, as much as the rest of it anyway.


If signing up for "Burn" makes this thread go to the same place as the short lived, but infamous, "Jaws of Satan" thread, I'm all for it.


The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire...


I'll go with Burn.


LIRL. I had read on Fark about a bumper sticker that says "when the Rapture happens can I have your car?"


I'm not too keen on bowing, as I have a trapped nerve in my neck. Will a curtsey do? Or, better still a high five?


I'm sure Jesus would be proud of this thread.


I'd forgotten about that! Pookie consigned himself to hell in that one, but no one else had the cahones to do so. Guess there'll always be those lingering doubts...


This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

[b]From the Desk of Karl[/b]
[i]1) Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2) Use alcohol in moderation.
3) Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4) Eat right.
5) Hank dictated this list Himself.
6) The moon is made of green cheese.
7) Everything Hank says is right.
8) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9) Don't use alcohol.
10) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11) Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.[/i]

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.