Funny how that works. This is actually pretty common (to the point that I’d consider “normal”) among nearly everyone I’ve known in any sort of STEM field. Not so much with doctors, lawyers, accountants, but definitely with people who do problem solving for a living. (Not to say there isn’t problem solving, but it’s different.)
Probably the worst part of it is you rarely see it coming. Self-awareness needs a lot of work and time to develop. Give me something external and tell me to fix it, and I can figure it out, no matter how ridiculously difficult it might be. But have me look at myself and try to fix the way I “feel”… well, I was basically incompetent.
Getting some perspective almost always helps. One of the things I stumbled upon awhile ago:
You’re born. You die. And you, literally, can do whatever the hell you want in between those two.
Any complexity beyond that is self-imposed. You get to choose everything else you let into your life, and you get to choose what things get to affect you and what doesn’t.
And some of it is just perspective on how much of this really is self-imposed.
Something upsets you because it’s not how you think it should be? That’s on you. Nothing wrong with wanting to change and improve the world as you see fit, but be careful that you don’t let those thoughts come back and bite you. Don’t let yourself get caught up in the trap of feeling bad because real reality isn’t matching your imagined reality. Logically, it makes zero sense that you would feel bad about something that doesn’t even exist, but most people do it all the time.
If you could be doing exactly what you want, living the life you want right now, what would that be? So what’s keeping you from doing that? And why not? What thoughts and ideas have you adopted that are holding you back? Are those thoughts still adding value to your life, or are they holding you back elsewhere? Where did you get those ideas from anyway?
For example, some people complain about living in a crappy neighborhood, with this and that and all this other stuff they don’t like. And then someone suggests “if you hate it so much, why don’t you just leave?”. And they come up with excuses, all over the place. But when it gets down to it, they’ve stayed for various reasons, things like “this is my home”, and “I’m afraid of new things/I prefer familiarity”, and “all my friends are here/I don’t want to abandon my friends”. Once they boil it down to the core ideas, it’s much easier to understand the choices they are or aren’t making. There’s nothing implicitly right or wrong with any of that, but it’s usually beneficial and empowering when you own up to the ideas that led you to where you are. Things move from “I can’t leave”, to “this is where I choose to be right now, because such and such”. Or they decide to leave, whatever, but they’re no longer emotionally powerless.
(Apologies for the longwinded example)
You can go through various thought experiments like that and just work backward to better understand all these things that make you, you. And then, working forward with that information you learned about yourself, you can make changes that bring you closer to the person you want to be.
You live, you die. Everything else beyond that matters as much or as little as you choose for it to.