T Nation

Jackass

With apologies to Christopher Guest ~

How much more stupider could this be?
And the answer is none
None more stupider.

We missed our chance.

It was Thiiiiiiiis close and we blew it. I’m talkin’ rare here, like Hope Diamond, Mona Lisa, clean underwear at Timmy P’s house kinda rare.

Yeah, THAT rare.

I suppose we can always hope that the opportunity comes up again but then we could always stick a camera in my Ass so we don’t miss a great picture when those Monkeys come flyin’ out too.

What am I talking about? I am talking about the opportunity to cleanse civilization of the bottom 5% of the Gene pool that’s what. Think about it, how much faster could the Human race advance if we could eliminate the worst genetic material that contaminates the human gene pool? I’m thinking along the lines of Myostatin for Humanity, histories biggest eliminator of limits in the gene pool, sure we’ll have to find something to do with the left over grey sludgy stuff but wouldn’t it be worth the trouble?

I think so.

How? Well, I hate to admit it and I would like (NEED) to preface with the fact that I did this:

A: On the recommendation of my buddy Steve who is a draftsman for North America’s 8th largest Convenience Store Chain and quite a smart fellow (normally). Steve is a good man, the kind of guy who will undoubtedly get you into some sort of trouble but the stories gained far outweigh any bail posted so, really it always works out. Even on the mornings that you are forced to take public transportation home wearing one sock, no shoes and you are pretty sure that although you DO have underwear on, they aren’t yours. The kind of guy that when I tell my wife that I am going out with him I get eye rolling, exasperated looks and a “see you tomorrow” kinda attitude.

and

B:I thought that it might indeed be funny.

I (here is where you lose all respect for me) watched the movie “Jackass”.

Yeah, I know. I’m a little disappointed in myself too. I am also pretty sure that I actually got stupider as I watched it. Opening credits and here I am a smart, articulate, interesting person and by the end of the movies I had my finger crammed in my nose, sitting in my underwear daydreaming about house trailers.

I felt better eventually but I am going to have some trouble explaining the Double Wide to my wife.

If you have seen (been subjected to, no difference) this movie you know exactly what I am speaking of. Now, I am no prude nor wilting lily nor pansy wansy whimp. I am indeed a full fledged raging T-Man but even though you can wring out my shirts and collect the sweat for use in HRT, I was still dumbfounded by the display of inconceivable stupidity I witnessed. Words cannot describe what I saw, neither can they describe what I felt.

I’m going to try anyway.

A quick synopsis of the film:

Man shits in his pants while in the front seat of a crowded Minivan full of buddies.

Actually, I’ll stop there because all it does is go downhill from there, yes from “Man shits in his pants while in the front seat of a crowded Minivan full of buddies.” It actually gets worse.

Much worse.

A small bit of funny does occur though when Poopy pants guy is standing outside of the now cleared Minivan with his Poopy pants guy pants down around his ankles and he says “Ewww, I got some on my hand”. ON HIS HAND! Poopy pants guy needs to review his priorities, I think clean HANDS might need to be placed a bit further down the list…right after Lobotomy and chemical sterilization.

I do not know Johnny Knoxville (the man to blame for this debacle) personally, nor have I ever met the man although I’m pretty sure he played a cab driver in some futuristic flick that I liked but in this movie he kept all of the feces on the INSIDE of his body and I am pretty sure I remember reading in Variety where the director refused to let him shoot bottle rockets out of his ass no matter how much he begged. The is something wrong with this boy, something BIG and its contagious. By the end of the movie I was ROOTING for injury, almost becoming that which I despise (“please hit him in the sack, please hit him in the sack…”). Unfortunately no one dies, it could have saved us time in the theatre (read on…).

Now, how could this possibly have helped us clean up the shallow end of the gene pool? Simple, when this movie was in theatres we could have waited until the opening credits were done, rushed in and using a cattle prod (or large hammer) “sterilized” every male member in the audience. I am pretty sure that a few of us could have accomplished this as the slack-jawed response would have been one of hilarity! (what could be funnier than Poopy pants guy? why your neighbours exploding TESTICLES of course!) I think we could’ve even told them they were going to be in “Jackass 2” and had them sign releases with their home address’ on them so we could go and check to ensure all male siblings were similarly neutered.

I mean these people actually PAID to see this! On PURPOSE! Of course I am sure that many people were not quite aware of what they were getting into but I still say hit 'em at the beginning and take no chances because just like the Zombies in Dawn of the Dead all it takes is one to start it all over again. We know who these people are too, don’t we? I am sure it reads allot like a FLEX subscribers list and the Volvo’s that fill the theatres parking lots are full of gym bags with clown pants and wife beaters.

Imagine it. A world cleansed of the Soy laden, Estrogen filled, Jackass laughing gene pool sludge. All gone, flushed like last nights burritos, never to pee in the pool again.

You can keep the Diamonds, the Mona Lisa and Timmy P’s clean gauch.

All I want is a hammer and preview passes to Jackass 2.

“Arguments with furniture are rarely productive”

~ Kehlog Albran

I haven’t seen the flick…but the interesting part of this post for me is the idea of cleansing the gene pool. I think it can be done here in the US. I also think it is despaerately needed. IQ and birth rates in developed countries are inversly proportional. (If you don’t understand that sentence, you are one of those who should not breed.) To put it simply, the stupid people are outfucking us. There is a simple solution, though. Simply legalize drugs. All drugs. We may even want to subsidize production of the more dangerous ones. Granted, there will be a decade or so of semi-chaos. It will be important to drasticlly curtail any and all support systems for addicts, except where those actually get them back onto the needle or pipe. We also need to make sure potency keeps climbing, and that we get the drugs to them as early as possible in their mercifully short lives. Now this will cause a temporary shortage of mouth-breathers in toll booths and take-out windows, but many of these jobs can be automated. I think we can get the average IQ back up over 100 in less than a decade. The only alternative route, mandatory sterilization based on IQ results, is unlikely to be funded in the current political climate. Also, it will take an entire generation to show results.

huck, dude! I’ve said the same EXACT thing! Just legalize ALL drugs, give them away for FREE, as much as they want. BUT, their payment for this should be sterilization.

Huck…

This is EXACTLY the kind of critical thinking that I was hoping to elicit ~

“To put it simply, the stupid people are outfucking us”

How astute, I am currently sealing the envelope containing my vote for the Pulitzer right this minute. I will also begin campaigning for your victory starting tonight during dinner in the Hampton’s with the Carnegie’s.

Clean off a place on your mantle…

“Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light”

~ Joseph Pulitzer

Interesting side note to Jackass:

The director of Jackass: The Movie happens to be the guy who wrote and directed Being John Malkovich (did I spell that right?). Go figure; maybe he intended Jackass to be a statement on the irrationality of the world or an unwritten argument for eugenics.

eventually weeding out the below 100 IQ would be wonderful, but we would lose our president in the process. This isn’t actually a joke. He took an IQ test in college and scored a 97, which is the exact number of the national average. The tip-top of the bell curve. Maybe he would really like Jackass. Had this been filmed in his younger years he may well have starred in it!

Meelhama ~ you make a good point but if the man had seriously wanted to kick start serious thought on eugenics, instead of sticking a condom wrapped Hot Wheel (blue) up his Anus in the final “bit”, we would have been privileged to watch perhaps the first “Self-neutering with a rusty can opener” or maybe “Stevo” could have chewed off his testicles between snorts of Wasabi.

I would have paid to see that.

JP ~ 100 would be too high and besides, if you were not on “the list” before you sure as hell are now!..these tools had an age higher then their IQ the day they could vote, so I am pretty sure that we could round them all up shooting for 25 and under…Of course maybe they haven’t casted for JA#2 yet, it’s not to late for Dubbya…

In any case I think that the only redeeming quality this “movie” has is that we are now aware of just how wrong things can be. This point of reference will stand for the ages…

Wrong, wrong, wrong…

“Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so”

~ Mark Twain

Ya Cuppy, I also lost 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back, watching Jackass. Thank god I did’nt pay to see it. As for ending the procreative powers of the hockey helmet wearing, window lickers on the short bus, we have a really fucked up system up here in Canada. Our wellfare system actually rewards the perpetuation of the fuck-wits. The more children a mother who is on wellfare has, the more money and the larger public housing unit she gets from the Govt. I’m not fucking kidding you.

i agree about this movie. when i saw it some of the things were funny then it was getting to the point OUCH! WHY?
for one, why would anyone want to paper cut them selves especialy cut the webs of there feet and hands and for god sakes there corner of there mouths or there freakin eye lids.

you know my mom also brought up a good point. she thinks that there might be somthing going on with those guys. i mean most of those gags were with them stripping and sticking numerous things up there ass. what kind of shit is that?

jpfitness, y’know when you Liberals can’t even keep your numbers straight on a lie, you know you’re not on the same page. I hear from you that this supposed IQ test Bush took, he got a 97 on. I heard from a friend that he got 91. And I heard from another guy a couple months ago that he got a 95. So what did he get? Could it be that you fuckwits can’t even tell a lie properly?

There was WAAAAAAAAYYY too much ANUS play (not that there’s anything wrong with that), you are right! But the funny thing was that in most circumstances the ANUS play (not that there’s anything wrong with that) would be the only thing you could think of after being subjected to it in a normal movie but here the ANUS play (not that there’s anything wrong with that) was soon overpowered by the stupidity.

I for one NEVER thought that something could be soooooo stupid that it could bump the grossness of ANAL play (not that there’s anything wrong with that) out of my head.

Maybe I should be thankful?

“I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.”

~ Groucho Marx

Joking about eugenics or the ‘cleansing of the gene pool’ isn’t funny. That’s the kind of thinking that enabled Nazi germany to wipe out 6 million Jews and Gypsies (not to mention Poles, Russians…). There are stupid people, but I stand by the belief that most of them are stupid by choice, and not by genetic predisposition. Let’s talk about educational reform before eugenics, ok?

The only cases in which I think forced sterilization is a good idea would be in cases of profound mental retardation, when a person is simply incapable of taking care of themselves, not to mention a small child. At the same time, this is a slippery slope… there actually was a period in our country’s history where we enforced sterilization on people deemed to be ‘dim-witted;’ many of whom simply didn’t know how to read. One girl was given a hysterectomy because she ‘masturbated excessively.’ This is not good stuff to joke about.

Show some sensitivity.

Chris,
a) I am not a liberal.
b) I did not make the number up. There is a possibility that the information I received was false, but watching him speak with that “deer-in-the-headlights” look on his face when he has to answer questions really makes me wonder. You have to admit, if he wasn’t president, it would be some really funny shit!

Nephorm,
Lighten up dude. Cupcake isn’t really suggesting cleansing the gene pool (right cuppy?). I think that, albeit presented in a humorous format, he addresses a real issue here. How low have we sunk when we consider a show like that to be entertainment? It is like the collective american IQ has dropped off. We consider shows like this, and reality shows, and Regis and Kelly to be entertainment. Humor like this has a way of slapping people in the face with the cold hard truth. On that note, I have not yet seen Jackass, but now I think I am going to rent it. (kidding)

Nephorm…

In the interest of avoiding future misunderstandings, I would like you to…

Grab a Post-it note (preferably a larger one, not one of those itty-bitty ones that are totally fucking useless, I mean who the heck thinks to themselves “You know what would be handy right now?, A single square inch of paper, that’s what! and I can’t wait until I can purchase them by the molecule, then we’ll REALLY be cooking!”

In large letters, write “Cupcake thinks he is funny, next time I read his posts I will always, always interpret it in the most nonsensical way possible and if I still do not see the humour in it I will pluck individual hairs from my body until I do see the humour”

This is a Win-Win…either you start to understand the whole “funny” thing or you end up looking like one of those creepy looking cats with no hair.

Well, O.K maybe not so much Win-“WIN” but no plan is perfect.

“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way”

~ Mark Twain

I would like to add to my list people who can’t take a joke, and get self-righteously serious about crap posted on a forum. Just for you N.

Also, I don’t think it matters if stupid people are genetically stunted or if they simply choose ignoance. They still need to go.