With apologies to Christopher Guest ~
How much more stupider could this be?
And the answer is none
None more stupider.
We missed our chance.
It was Thiiiiiiiis close and we blew it. I’m talkin’ rare here, like Hope Diamond, Mona Lisa, clean underwear at Timmy P’s house kinda rare.
Yeah, THAT rare.
I suppose we can always hope that the opportunity comes up again but then we could always stick a camera in my Ass so we don’t miss a great picture when those Monkeys come flyin’ out too.
What am I talking about? I am talking about the opportunity to cleanse civilization of the bottom 5% of the Gene pool that’s what. Think about it, how much faster could the Human race advance if we could eliminate the worst genetic material that contaminates the human gene pool? I’m thinking along the lines of Myostatin for Humanity, histories biggest eliminator of limits in the gene pool, sure we’ll have to find something to do with the left over grey sludgy stuff but wouldn’t it be worth the trouble?
I think so.
How? Well, I hate to admit it and I would like (NEED) to preface with the fact that I did this:
A: On the recommendation of my buddy Steve who is a draftsman for North America’s 8th largest Convenience Store Chain and quite a smart fellow (normally). Steve is a good man, the kind of guy who will undoubtedly get you into some sort of trouble but the stories gained far outweigh any bail posted so, really it always works out. Even on the mornings that you are forced to take public transportation home wearing one sock, no shoes and you are pretty sure that although you DO have underwear on, they aren’t yours. The kind of guy that when I tell my wife that I am going out with him I get eye rolling, exasperated looks and a “see you tomorrow” kinda attitude.
B:I thought that it might indeed be funny.
I (here is where you lose all respect for me) watched the movie “Jackass”.
Yeah, I know. I’m a little disappointed in myself too. I am also pretty sure that I actually got stupider as I watched it. Opening credits and here I am a smart, articulate, interesting person and by the end of the movies I had my finger crammed in my nose, sitting in my underwear daydreaming about house trailers.
I felt better eventually but I am going to have some trouble explaining the Double Wide to my wife.
If you have seen (been subjected to, no difference) this movie you know exactly what I am speaking of. Now, I am no prude nor wilting lily nor pansy wansy whimp. I am indeed a full fledged raging T-Man but even though you can wring out my shirts and collect the sweat for use in HRT, I was still dumbfounded by the display of inconceivable stupidity I witnessed. Words cannot describe what I saw, neither can they describe what I felt.
I’m going to try anyway.
A quick synopsis of the film:
Man shits in his pants while in the front seat of a crowded Minivan full of buddies.
Actually, I’ll stop there because all it does is go downhill from there, yes from “Man shits in his pants while in the front seat of a crowded Minivan full of buddies.” It actually gets worse.
A small bit of funny does occur though when Poopy pants guy is standing outside of the now cleared Minivan with his Poopy pants guy pants down around his ankles and he says “Ewww, I got some on my hand”. ON HIS HAND! Poopy pants guy needs to review his priorities, I think clean HANDS might need to be placed a bit further down the list…right after Lobotomy and chemical sterilization.
I do not know Johnny Knoxville (the man to blame for this debacle) personally, nor have I ever met the man although I’m pretty sure he played a cab driver in some futuristic flick that I liked but in this movie he kept all of the feces on the INSIDE of his body and I am pretty sure I remember reading in Variety where the director refused to let him shoot bottle rockets out of his ass no matter how much he begged. The is something wrong with this boy, something BIG and its contagious. By the end of the movie I was ROOTING for injury, almost becoming that which I despise (“please hit him in the sack, please hit him in the sack…”). Unfortunately no one dies, it could have saved us time in the theatre (read on…).
Now, how could this possibly have helped us clean up the shallow end of the gene pool? Simple, when this movie was in theatres we could have waited until the opening credits were done, rushed in and using a cattle prod (or large hammer) “sterilized” every male member in the audience. I am pretty sure that a few of us could have accomplished this as the slack-jawed response would have been one of hilarity! (what could be funnier than Poopy pants guy? why your neighbours exploding TESTICLES of course!) I think we could’ve even told them they were going to be in “Jackass 2” and had them sign releases with their home address’ on them so we could go and check to ensure all male siblings were similarly neutered.
I mean these people actually PAID to see this! On PURPOSE! Of course I am sure that many people were not quite aware of what they were getting into but I still say hit 'em at the beginning and take no chances because just like the Zombies in Dawn of the Dead all it takes is one to start it all over again. We know who these people are too, don’t we? I am sure it reads allot like a FLEX subscribers list and the Volvo’s that fill the theatres parking lots are full of gym bags with clown pants and wife beaters.
Imagine it. A world cleansed of the Soy laden, Estrogen filled, Jackass laughing gene pool sludge. All gone, flushed like last nights burritos, never to pee in the pool again.
You can keep the Diamonds, the Mona Lisa and Timmy P’s clean gauch.
All I want is a hammer and preview passes to Jackass 2.
“Arguments with furniture are rarely productive”
~ Kehlog Albran