T Nation

Jack Handey is Gonna be Pissed...


#1

...that his brother "John" is plagiarizing his hilarious material.

:wink:


#2

It takes a big man to cry; but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.


#3

Since no one else seems to have caught on (hint, look to the right), I’ll follow LUEshi’s lead and post more fun Jack Handey quotes.

“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”


#4

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said ‘Now who’s asking the questions?’


#5

To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’


#6

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. ‘Hear that?’ you say, ‘That’s dynamite, baby.’


#7

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.


#8

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, ‘I like mayonnaise.’ She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.


#9

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

I love Jack Handey.


#10

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, “Oh, you mean this?” and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it.

Good magic trick, huh?