T Nation

Jack Bauer Facts


You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at a terrorist twelve miles away.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

The reason why terrorists attacked New York City was because Jack Bauer was in LA.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.

Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.


In case anyone is going to reply saying these are getting old . . . you're wrong.


Jack Bauer is the guy from 24, right?

Yea some of them are funny. But Chuck Norris would kick his ass. And I certainly didn't agree with the MacGyver one. MacGyver would have kicked his ass too.


Actually I was replying to say how I utterly enjoyed this. Honestly didn't pay much attention to the Chuck Norris deal but this is great.


That one made me laugh out loud. And I'm at work..


Jack needs to realize he is 'doomed' to casual sex for the rest of his life. It can only end badly for any woman he's in a real relationship with.


LOL! This one in particular was my favorite.


screw chuck norris, jack bauer owns all.


Jack Bauer does not shit. Jack Bauer's body uses every available substance to kill terrorists.


Does anyone else listen to Bob and Tom?

I only get to listen when I'm back in MI, but they do pretty funny bits of Bauer calling in.

"Bob, Tom.... It's Bauer"

Good Stuff.


1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.


Superman wears jack Bauer pajamas.

Are my favorites. Funny thing is, I dont even watch 24, but these are great.


I don't watch 24 either... not enough hours in the day but I did find these funny.


So is this a new list of fact for a new person other than Norris, Mr. T, or Diesel?

Is this sanctioned by the fact website or did you make these up on your own?


I sure as hell didnt make them up on my own, my friend sent them to me. I'm not sure where she got them from though.


The reason the show is called "24" is because that's how many times a day Jack Bauer gets his ass kicked by Chuck Norris.


No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.