This is a classic email doing the rounds at the moment:
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by
“knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional football history.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.”
After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
It as once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, “Holy sh*t! That’s Chuck Norris!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya!”.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming “Law” and “Order” are trademarked names for his left and right legs