Internet Dating

Off Topic
21

[quote]InCorporeSano wrote:
I read this exchange twice, to make sure I got a good sense of what was going on. I also tried reading this exchange as if it were reversed-- reading your entries as if they were from a woman and hers as if they were from a man. Try it and imagine how you’d react to your own words.

Your opening message to her was off-putting for a few reasons-- you immediately went on the attack by asking if something else was a turnoff, you seemed insecure by asking that question, and you focused on something negative (the turnoff stuff) rather than opening a lighthearted, appealing exchange.

Then there was not a lot of spark in her notes to you, and you didn’t offer much back that was flirtatious in a non-threatening way. You didn’t pick up on some essential cues in her communication-- you came off as defensive for no reason about the Kenosha thing, which is off-putting.

I wouldn’t disagree that she seems like she might have issues, but she certainly left you with a few openings that you didn’t take. For example: the dog thing was catastrophic. It’s one thing to mention that you love your dog very much, it’s another thing to mention that she is old and that you will be devastated upon losing her. Way, way, way too much info for what should be a light and flirty online exchange. Imagine her thoughts-- she reads that AFTER you got weird about the Kenosha thing and imagines you to be a) overly sensitive and defensive b) emotional at the wrong time/in the wrong way.

You also seemed very focused on mundane pieces of information: where you/she are from, what you do for a living, etc. Not sure what your prior dating experience is like, but attraction is not built on shared interests and commonalities. It’s about the sort of attention you give a person, the way you hold back and share information, how you present yourself, the way you pick up on their cues and adapt, etc.

Your questions weren’t interesting. For god’s sake man, you asked her how long she expects to live where she does! Who cares? This wasn’t supposed to be a job interview. You could have asked her about the best piece of advice she’s ever received, or who she’d like to have dinner with if it could be anyone living or dead, or what person she’d like to trade lives with for one day. Those sorts of things teach you real things about a person, not the boring outward trappings that create a shell of a life.

You seem to have almost a mechanical or process-oriented view of meeting someone. Look at what you said: “Since we seem to enjoy a lot of the same things, it’s worth it to continue the exploration phase.” Whoa. First, even if you do have a rigid sort of process (“exploration phase”? you’re not drilling for oil, you’re determing whether you are attracted to someone), do not EVER let someone else see that. Mentioning that you have an exploration phase pulls the curtain back and takes any mystery, attraction, excitement, or dynamic tension out of the picture. It’s like turning fluorescent lights on over a packed dancefloor and expecting that everyone will carry on as normal.

You didn’t ever find out much about her, shared boring information about yourself, didn’t make her WANT to share with you, and then criticized her for “giving up nothing”. That is roundly unappealing whether it’s coming from a man or a woman, and I don’t blame her for feeling weird about you. [/quote]

Thanks for the input. I tried reading it from the receiver’s point of view and I see what you mean. I will have to put my dog down before long, and that has me in a bad place. I need to abort the internet dating scene for now. I would have run the other way too.

22

[quote]TurboSSR wrote:
What did she look like rsg?
[/quote]

She had a great body, and was actually prettier in real life than in the photos she sent me, surprisingly. My roomate kept taunting me - “I laugh she only has one eye and walks with a limp…”, but she turned out to be quite hot.

I’d hookup with another eastern European women anyday though. Still, no amount of prettyness can make up for a shitty personality, and being a bit of a log in bed.

23

[quote]TurboSSR wrote:
InCorporeSano wins the thread and at life.[/quote]

I have to agree here. Very well done. Perhaps you have a “mens sana” to go along with your “corpore sano”?

24

Hi Prof381

I have to say that it is a relief to get to the bottom of an interesting profile and see long hair listed among the turn-offs.

I saw you on my “who’s viewed me” page. Did you see something else that was a turn-off? Couldn’t be long hair:)

Anyway, I’d love to hear from you if you’re up for a second look.

Take care,

Eric

i think it was professor x just playing with you.

25

[quote]eric_lacrosse wrote:

Hi Prof381

I have to say that it is a relief to get to the bottom of an interesting profile and see long hair listed among the turn-offs.

I saw you on my “who’s viewed me” page. Did you see something else that was a turn-off? Couldn’t be long hair:)

Anyway, I’d love to hear from you if you’re up for a second look.

Take care,

Eric[/quote]

This is all wrong, you come across as so insecure and lacking in confidence. Confidence is probably the most important thing in attracting women. Saying “I’d love to hear from you if you’re up for a second look” sounds very needy

[quote]I re-read your profile. Things we have in common so far:

A dinner party with friends. (Beats the bar scene any day!)

I love playing tennis but am terrible and thus easy to beat. (Same here. I can’t keep score either)

Extra bonus for cultural traditions with great food. (Italian?)

Blablabla’s and sushi (Don’t spend much time in Anytown USA, but been to Blablabla’s and love sushi.)

Sometimes I just like to be home and look at the lake. (I lived in a cabin on the lake my first 3 1/2 years in Kenosha. Never get tired of looking at it)

Walking in the woods. (Mountain biking in the woods?)

Chocolate mousse. (How about a creme brulee chaser with that mousse? Whenever I cook French, I serve both[/quote]

You cannot expect to get a woman to fall for you by explaining why she should be interested in you. Attraction does not work this way, women do not think logically like this- there needs to be a spark.

This should never have been mentioned, you are supposed to be a ‘T-man’ you just look like a wuss- contrary to what new age guys say, women do not like guys who appear very sensitive and give her lots of attention.

[quote]Hi Michelle,

I was joking about Kenosha and licking my wounds. It’s kind of hard to convey humor via email. Your words seem convey surprise that someone from Kenosha would visit the Rodin museum.

OK, so lets start over. Since we seem to enjoy a lot of the same things, it’s worth it to continue the exploration phase. So what’s your story? I’ve given up quite a bit, and you’ve offered me nothing. What/who do you teach? How long have you been doing it? Family around here? Plan to live here the rest of your life? Tell me more about you.[/quote]

The words ‘licking my wounds’- sounds wussy who cares what she thinks about you- dont be insecure.

“continue the exploration phase” this has been written about before in this thread i need add nothing.

[quote]Michelle,

You sound very interesting. If you’d like to talk on the phone, or meet at some place where you feel comfortable, let me know one way or another.

I’ll give you my number if you’d feel more comfortable calling me. The number is XXX-YYY-ZZZZ.[/quote]

Have a good night.[/quote]

“You sound very interesting”- stop sucking up to her, no amount of compliments will ever make a woman attracted to you.
Why did you give her your number you should have gotten her number by now, if she hasn’t asked you for it shes not gonna call you.

All the excuses she gave you after this were exactly those- excuses, shes not attracted to you and is trying to rationalise these feelings don’t pay much attention to this.
This may seem harsh but i see these mistakes made a lot.

26

[quote]InCorporeSano wrote:
I read this exchange twice, to make sure I got a good sense of what was going on. I also tried reading this exchange as if it were reversed-- reading your entries as if they were from a woman and hers as if they were from a man. Try it and imagine how you’d react to your own words.

Your opening message to her was off-putting for a few reasons-- you immediately went on the attack by asking if something else was a turnoff, you seemed insecure by asking that question, and you focused on something negative (the turnoff stuff) rather than opening a lighthearted, appealing exchange.

Then there was not a lot of spark in her notes to you, and you didn’t offer much back that was flirtatious in a non-threatening way. You didn’t pick up on some essential cues in her communication-- you came off as defensive for no reason about the Kenosha thing, which is off-putting.

I wouldn’t disagree that she seems like she might have issues, but she certainly left you with a few openings that you didn’t take. For example: the dog thing was catastrophic. It’s one thing to mention that you love your dog very much, it’s another thing to mention that she is old and that you will be devastated upon losing her. Way, way, way too much info for what should be a light and flirty online exchange. Imagine her thoughts-- she reads that AFTER you got weird about the Kenosha thing and imagines you to be a) overly sensitive and defensive b) emotional at the wrong time/in the wrong way.

You also seemed very focused on mundane pieces of information: where you/she are from, what you do for a living, etc. Not sure what your prior dating experience is like, but attraction is not built on shared interests and commonalities. It’s about the sort of attention you give a person, the way you hold back and share information, how you present yourself, the way you pick up on their cues and adapt, etc.

Your questions weren’t interesting. For god’s sake man, you asked her how long she expects to live where she does! Who cares? This wasn’t supposed to be a job interview. You could have asked her about the best piece of advice she’s ever received, or who she’d like to have dinner with if it could be anyone living or dead, or what person she’d like to trade lives with for one day. Those sorts of things teach you real things about a person, not the boring outward trappings that create a shell of a life.

You seem to have almost a mechanical or process-oriented view of meeting someone. Look at what you said: “Since we seem to enjoy a lot of the same things, it’s worth it to continue the exploration phase.” Whoa. First, even if you do have a rigid sort of process (“exploration phase”? you’re not drilling for oil, you’re determing whether you are attracted to someone), do not EVER let someone else see that. Mentioning that you have an exploration phase pulls the curtain back and takes any mystery, attraction, excitement, or dynamic tension out of the picture. It’s like turning fluorescent lights on over a packed dancefloor and expecting that everyone will carry on as normal.

You didn’t ever find out much about her, shared boring information about yourself, didn’t make her WANT to share with you, and then criticized her for “giving up nothing”. That is roundly unappealing whether it’s coming from a man or a woman, and I don’t blame her for feeling weird about you. [/quote]

Nail on Head

27

Man, Dont give up. I tried the whole internet dating thing too, and it sucks usually. I lost count of how many emails and instant messages I got that went pretty much like : “hi, my name is blah, so, u live in _____? can we get together for lunch today? maybe you could come over to my place, we both could get plenty to eat!”

yeah, smooth!

Just when I had given up, this guy emails me and tells me how hot he thinks i am and how much he liked my morals (my tag line was something to ward off bootycalls). A month and a half later we are hanging out. 2 months after that we are dating and a year and 5 months into dating we got married!

I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect guy. We are amazed everyday with just how perfect we are together. There is nothing I’d change about him and nothing he’d change about me.

So there are a TON of freaks out there, and that chick was WAY to hyper in my opinion, but there are a few good girls and guys. You gotta kiss a bunch of frogs before you find your princess/prince!

28

Eric,

Another problem you have is taking “criticism”…

29

[quote]StrongInHim wrote:
Just when I had given up, this guy emails me and tells me how hot he thinks i am and how much he liked my morals (my tag line was something to ward off bootycalls). A month and a half later we are hanging out. 2 months after that we are dating and a year and 5 months into dating we got married![/quote]

So you met a guy on a dating site, talked online for one and a half months, but then still “hung out” for 2 months before dating? I don’t get it.

What do you define as “hanging out”?

30

Eric,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I’ll throw in a few of my own. Bear in mind theyy are a few years old, I pretty much swore off the internet thing a while back.

Back in 1998 I broke off an engagement. I decided I wanted to date around a bit and just kind of see what’s out there. I was on a midnight shift with midweek days off and my social contact through normal channels was limited, and I’m not much for bars.

The first thing I tried was the personal ads in the local newspaper. I met 3 women. 2 were the “desperate fat chicks” that a buddy had warned about. I did meet one woman who was educated, atttractive, in shape, and had similar interests but unfortunately the same day as our date she’d gotten a job offer in another city. She was already from somewhere else, came to my city for a job, and didn’t know many people.

I later tried the internet thing. The same 2/3 to 1/3 ratio applied. About 2/3rds of the women convinced me that AOL stood for America’s Obese Ladies, whereas the quality woman I’d met were usually new in town, because of a new job, a recent divorce, or some other such change.

I rarely had more than a couple of dates. One common thread seemed to be that for whatever reason, these woman were not able to meet people through normal face to face channels. One was on workman’s comp so she was home all the time, another had a worse work schedule than I did, and a lot were just plain fat.

I wish I knew better how to advise you as to how to meet quality women but I don’t really know. I will throw out 1 random experience. My mom has always been after me to get involved in structured activities such as church, charity work, etc.

One day a female friend drug me off to her church for a singles seminar (It was the Eharmony guy), I was probably the best looking guy there, it was a 2 to 1 girl to guy ratio, and many of the guys were just dorky. Unfortunately my friend did a lot of cock blocking that day.

I didn’t read your correpondence w/ that woman very carefully but I will make 1 comment. Never tell a girl you are trying to impress about your problems, or use her as a place to vent. It has an extreme chilling effect. The 2 things the ladies seem to like best are confidence and a sense of humor. Of course if you have a BMW and dress like GQ that helps too but I’d prefer to save my money.

Anyway I wish you luck.
Spike

31

[quote]rsg wrote:
but she turned out to be quite hot.
[/quote]

Glad to hear that man! Sounds like you all had alot of fun for a while so good for you.

32

To the OP.

I lived in Kenosha during my first two years in the Navy (Worked at the Naval Hospital), and as far as finding single women is concerned I think you’re wrong.

Dude Lake Geneva! Antioch, Chain O’ Lakes! Sure it’s not South Padre Island or Panama City, or even Lake Havasu, but there is fun to be had and plenty of girls to have it with. You wasted your summer online pining over girls who are as equally inept with social interaction as you. It’s not too late though, rent a jetski and pull up on a pontoon boat full of party girls before labor day and you’ll feel much better.

B.

33

[quote]Kailash wrote:
StrongInHim wrote:
Just when I had given up, this guy emails me and tells me how hot he thinks i am and how much he liked my morals (my tag line was something to ward off bootycalls). A month and a half later we are hanging out. 2 months after that we are dating and a year and 5 months into dating we got married!

So you met a guy on a dating site, talked online for one and a half months, but then still “hung out” for 2 months before dating? I don’t get it.

What do you define as “hanging out”?[/quote]

Kailash,
We took it slow cause we had both recently gone through a divorce. We just hung out as friends, watched movies, worked on cars, went shopping, friend stuff. We didn’t wanna rush things.

~Strong

34

[quote]StrongInHim wrote:
Kailash,
We took it slow cause we had both recently gone through a divorce. We just hung out as friends, watched movies, worked on cars, went shopping, friend stuff. We didn’t wanna rush things.

~Strong[/quote]

Ah, I understand now. Good story.

To the OP too: Good story. We can all learn something from his train wreck.

Not to diss you though. “Everybody plays the fool sometimes” (The Main Ingredient)

35

[quote]vroom wrote:
Eric,

Another problem you have is taking “criticism”…[/quote]

Another problem you have is beating a dead horse.

36

[quote]eric_lacrosse wrote:
Another problem you have is beating a dead horse.[/quote]

Perhaps, but when you ask for advice, don’t be surprised if you get it…

37

[quote]Kailash wrote:

To the OP too: Good story. We can all learn something from his train wreck.

Not to diss you though. “Everybody plays the fool sometimes” (The Main Ingredient)[/quote]

Happy to oblige…I learned something too. Actually, I learned a lot from this thread. Thanks everybody.

38

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

InCorporeSano and aaron_lohan you both invested some time on your replies, and I appreciate that.

I tell you what though, those f-ing sites actually encourage you to use phrases like “love to hear from you” and to express your “emotions” and “sensitivity”. I won’t make that mistake again.

39

[quote]Shaved wrote:
I used to play a little game called Everquest many years ago. I was 17 or so at the time and very naive in the girl department. I met this female character and starting grouping / chatting. We started emailing one another and after a while I became interested in the girl, so the emails would start to get a little more personal each time.

Until the day I received the dreaded email.

“Hey there, my name is Steve and my boyfriend and I love to find boys online to talk to. You made us both really hot, and I just want to thank you for that.”

Oh the lessons learned that day.

On a happier note, my brother actually married a girl he met on the same game. [/quote]

OMG, that is wrong on so many levels dude. So sorry for your luck, and hopefully you didn’t need therapy afterwards.

40

[quote]RoadWarrior wrote:
hah,

The only chicks you’ll meet on a site like this (whichever one you are writing about-not T-Nation) are fat chicks. Meeting people this way is for losers, get real go out to a bar and grab a real woman (literally)…[/quote]

I disagree. As a scorn woman dumped for internet trash whores, I initially met my ex-fiance on the Internet simply by chance, but you’re right–meeting people this way is for losers, but he also picks the drunkest skanks at the bars as well since they’re the ones most likely to not turn his dumb ass down. And funny story, he’s a regular here on T-Nation!!