T Nation

Internet Dating

I am looking for stories, experiences from the internet dating scene.

Here’s my contribution. I changed her name (which was probably a fake anyway) and a few other names to protect identities. I welcome all opinions as I’d like to learn something from this experience.

As for background, I live in a city between Milwaukee and Chicago that is by no means a hotbed of singles activity. I have been here for a handful of years because my job is in another nearby town, which is also not a good place to be single. It’s a great job and I like the company.

What follows is the exact word for word communication. I am still scratching my head. Don’t know where she was coming from, and feel badly about how this went.

Hi Prof381

I have to say that it is a relief to get to the bottom of an interesting profile and see long hair listed among the turn-offs.

I saw you on my “who’s viewed me” page. Did you see something else that was a turn-off? Couldn’t be long hair:)

Anyway, I’d love to hear from you if you’re up for a second look.

Take care,

Eric

hi eric,

You seem to have a very interesting life–my only question is, how is it a man who works for an international company, flies to France and visits the Rodin museum is living in Kenosha? Is there a france-kenosha connection?

Your dog is a lab? lab mix?

have a great day!

michelle

Boy, people really hold Kenosha against you. If I were a native I might be offended. I grew up around Los Angeles and then lived in Atlanta for many years before moving to Kenosha. Granted Kenosha has its share of hacks, but there are some decent people here too. Some are even native Kenoshans believe it or not.

I am a financial analyst for a Racine-based company. For the past several years my job was in the financial services division, and my turf was Europe. I am currently transitioning into a new role on the manufacturing side, however this time I’m Global rather than just European. It means I may find myself in Latin America, Australia, or once again Europe, although more likely Italy than France this time around. We seem to make a lot of stuff in Italy.

I re-read your profile. Things we have in common so far:

A dinner party with friends. (Beats the bar scene any day!)

I love playing tennis but am terrible and thus easy to beat. (Same here. I can’t keep score either)

Extra bonus for cultural traditions with great food. (Italian?)

Blablabla’s and sushi (Don’t spend much time in Anytown USA, but been to Blablabla’s and love sushi.)

Sometimes I just like to be home and look at the lake. (I lived in a cabin on the lake my first 3 1/2 years in Kenosha. Never get tired of looking at it)

Walking in the woods. (Mountain biking in the woods?)

Chocolate mousse. (How about a creme brulee chaser with that mousse? Whenever I cook French, I serve both)

Ok, so I hope you have had a chance to reassess your opinion of Kenoshans.

My dog is half lab and half dalmation. She is very old, and I will lose her before long. It will be devastating. I am getting choked up just typing the words.

So what’s your story?

Eric

hmm!

You invented a “diss” on Kenosha–if you read my email closely you will find I don’t cast aspersions on your fair city but merely ask for the connection with paris. I wonder what it means. hmm.

I think otherwise we do have many common interests.

hope you are enjoying the day!

m

Hi Michelle,

I was joking about Kenosha and licking my wounds. It’s kind of hard to convey humor via email. Your words seem convey surprise that someone from Kenosha would visit the Rodin museum.

OK, so lets start over. Since we seem to enjoy a lot of the same things, it’s worth it to continue the exploration phase. So what’s your story? I’ve given up quite a bit, and you’ve offered me nothing. What/who do you teach? How long have you been doing it? Family around here? Plan to live here the rest of your life? Tell me more about you.

Take care,

Eric

hi eric,

I’m hesitant to tell you much about me–I’m a college professor and with a little google, you can find my name, office, phone, email and everything else. Given your apparent road rage over kenosha issues, it might be best to keep that in reserve.

I’ve been here 3 years now. just celebrated my 3rd year anniversary in Anytown, USA. Originally from illinois. Went to grad school in philadelphia. saw the dada exhibit in new york over summer, and was in paris one month for research. know how to fish. pretty good but not great at bowling.

that’s a lot of info!

m

Michelle,

You sound very interesting. If you’d like to talk on the phone, or meet at some place where you feel comfortable, let me know one way or another.

I’ll give you my number if you’d feel more comfortable calling me. The number is XXX-YYY-ZZZZ.

Have a good night.

Eric

“So what’s your story? I’ve given up quite a bit, and you’ve offered me nothing.”

That seems a little…aggressive.

I think I am pretty hesitant to take it further. I’m just not comfortable with you–there’s too much edge here. It might be anger, it might be sarcasm, but I don’t think we’re well-suited.

all best.

Sorry to have offended you with my tag line. I have been saying “So whats your story?” to get to know people for probably 20 years and have not offended anyone until now. I apologize for that.

This communication did not go well. It crashed and burned like nothing I have experienced before.

You have made some snap judgments that are both off-base and insulting.

Best wishes in finding the right guy for you.

Eric

I used to play a little game called Everquest many years ago. I was 17 or so at the time and very naive in the girl department. I met this female character and starting grouping / chatting. We started emailing one another and after a while I became interested in the girl, so the emails would start to get a little more personal each time.

Until the day I received the dreaded email.

“Hey there, my name is Steve and my boyfriend and I love to find boys online to talk to. You made us both really hot, and I just want to thank you for that.”

Oh the lessons learned that day.

On a happier note, my brother actually married a girl he met on the same game.

Ahahaha. You can’t talk to a woman in the real world like you might talk to some pudknockers on this site!

What is happened to the MAN in mankind? Is it possible that computer rays have caused an irreversible shrinkage of the testicles?

Honestly she just sounds like either a bitch, or she didn’t want to meet anyone and was just on there for kicks. Or she just didn’t think you were attractive. From the start she just answered your questions, and offered practically nothing of her own. You were dead in the water from the start.

[quote]vroom wrote:
Ahahaha. You can’t talk to a woman in the real world like you might talk to some pudknockers on this site![/quote]

What do you mean Vroom? Is asking someone the question What’s your story disrespectful or rude?

I did not, nor do I now, think it is rude or “aggressive” as she put it.

[quote]Shaved wrote:
I used to play a little game called Everquest many years ago. I was 17 or so at the time and very naive in the girl department. I met this female character and starting grouping / chatting. We started emailing one another and after a while I became interested in the girl, so the emails would start to get a little more personal each time.

Until the day I received the dreaded email.

“Hey there, my name is Steve and my boyfriend and I love to find boys online to talk to. You made us both really hot, and I just want to thank you for that.”

Oh the lessons learned that day.

On a happier note, my brother actually married a girl he met on the same game. [/quote]

owned

hah,

The only chicks you’ll meet on a site like this (whichever one you are writing about-not T-Nation) are fat chicks. Meeting people this way is for losers, get real go out to a bar and grab a real woman (literally)…

I don’t think you’re in the wrong.

She was trying to be reserved and hold back from the start. A lot of women are VERY selective with online dating (even more than they are in real life), and read a LOT into every little thing you type. The absence of body language and voice inflection only makes that worse.

You should never be sending four or five (or more) emails back and forth. Get the phone number and set up a date ASAP. The longer you talk to her online, the more likely you are to screw it up.

[quote]cap’nsalty wrote:
Honestly she just sounds like either a bitch, or she didn’t want to meet anyone and was just on there for kicks. Or she just didn’t think you were attractive. From the start she just answered your questions, and offered practically nothing of her own. You were dead in the water from the start.[/quote]

Well she had vauge interest or she would not have even responded. But
she sounds like just the kind of woman you should run from. It could only go downhill from there. Keep fishing man, there are tons of fish. Internets dating is a numbers game!

What sites have you tried?

Meeting women online can be an interesting experience.

I had this girl from Poland contact me on Skype a while back (I can speak the language too - Polish Parents) and we got chatting almost daily before she decided to come over to the UK to look for work and meet me.

Well she got here, and she even stayed at our place for a couple days and all was good and she seemed exactly how she was online.

2 weeks later she just completely changed and started to treat me like crap. Too much to explain - but I could write a Tucker Max article on the antics that went on in this brief “relationship”. As soon as I started losing time at the gym and personally over her crap, I decided enough was enough.

Needless to say I told her until she learns to respect me and my friends, I won’t help her anymore (fuck - we did a lot for this bitch - a free place to stay, helped her look for work…) and I don’t wanna hear from her. Kicked her out and it’s been, jeez over 2 months, and I don’t regret for a second.

Haven’t heard from her since :slight_smile:

[quote]vroom wrote:
Ahahaha. You can’t talk to a woman in the real world like you might talk to some pudknockers on this site![/quote]

What do you mean Vroom? Is asking someone the question What’s your story disrespectful or rude?

I did not, nor do I now, think it is rude or “aggressive” as she put it.

What did she look like rsg?

[quote]RoadWarrior wrote:
The only chicks you’ll meet on a site like this (whichever one you are writing about-not T-Nation) are fat chicks.[/quote]

Whats wrong with some more to love?

Anyway that is horse shite there are some fine ladies on yahoo, plenty of fish, match.com etc. It is better than a bar because most women travel in packs in public places and you don’t have that weird vibe when you approach them. Plus with the internets you know they are searching for a date/relationship and you are not hitting on someone’s fiance’.

[quote]Avoids Roids wrote:
What is happened to the MAN in mankind? Is it possible that computer rays have caused an irreversible shrinkage of the testicles?[/quote]

I don’t know if I’ve just been insulted or not.

I take it you’re no fan of internet dating sites?

I read this exchange twice, to make sure I got a good sense of what was going on. I also tried reading this exchange as if it were reversed-- reading your entries as if they were from a woman and hers as if they were from a man. Try it and imagine how you’d react to your own words.

Your opening message to her was off-putting for a few reasons-- you immediately went on the attack by asking if something else was a turnoff, you seemed insecure by asking that question, and you focused on something negative (the turnoff stuff) rather than opening a lighthearted, appealing exchange.

Then there was not a lot of spark in her notes to you, and you didn’t offer much back that was flirtatious in a non-threatening way. You didn’t pick up on some essential cues in her communication-- you came off as defensive for no reason about the Kenosha thing, which is off-putting.

I wouldn’t disagree that she seems like she might have issues, but she certainly left you with a few openings that you didn’t take. For example: the dog thing was catastrophic. It’s one thing to mention that you love your dog very much, it’s another thing to mention that she is old and that you will be devastated upon losing her. Way, way, way too much info for what should be a light and flirty online exchange. Imagine her thoughts-- she reads that AFTER you got weird about the Kenosha thing and imagines you to be a) overly sensitive and defensive b) emotional at the wrong time/in the wrong way.

You also seemed very focused on mundane pieces of information: where you/she are from, what you do for a living, etc. Not sure what your prior dating experience is like, but attraction is not built on shared interests and commonalities. It’s about the sort of attention you give a person, the way you hold back and share information, how you present yourself, the way you pick up on their cues and adapt, etc.

Your questions weren’t interesting. For god’s sake man, you asked her how long she expects to live where she does! Who cares? This wasn’t supposed to be a job interview. You could have asked her about the best piece of advice she’s ever received, or who she’d like to have dinner with if it could be anyone living or dead, or what person she’d like to trade lives with for one day. Those sorts of things teach you real things about a person, not the boring outward trappings that create a shell of a life.

You seem to have almost a mechanical or process-oriented view of meeting someone. Look at what you said: “Since we seem to enjoy a lot of the same things, it’s worth it to continue the exploration phase.” Whoa. First, even if you do have a rigid sort of process (“exploration phase”? you’re not drilling for oil, you’re determing whether you are attracted to someone), do not EVER let someone else see that. Mentioning that you have an exploration phase pulls the curtain back and takes any mystery, attraction, excitement, or dynamic tension out of the picture. It’s like turning fluorescent lights on over a packed dancefloor and expecting that everyone will carry on as normal.

You didn’t ever find out much about her, shared boring information about yourself, didn’t make her WANT to share with you, and then criticized her for “giving up nothing”. That is roundly unappealing whether it’s coming from a man or a woman, and I don’t blame her for feeling weird about you.

[quote]eric_lacrosse wrote:
vroom wrote:
Ahahaha. You can’t talk to a woman in the real world like you might talk to some pudknockers on this site!

What do you mean Vroom? Is asking someone the question What’s your story disrespectful or rude?

I did not, nor do I now, think it is rude or “aggressive” as she put it.
[/quote]

Okay, I wasn’t concerned about the “what’s your story” part. By then, it was already too far gone.

What I mean is that people are looking for “signs” when they chat or email for online dating.

No offense, but when you started describing your career it sounded like the general run of the mill penis waving we see around here on the forums a lot.

Combining that with your “agressive”, “sarcastic” and “defensive” stance on Kobayashi or wherever the hell it is and you were waving more red flags than a communists convention.

That works great on this site, for example, where attitude is the norm and you have a shared environment to help understand what’s in the communication. Apparently not so much in open interpretation land.

Finally, it doesn’t fucking matter whether you “did not nor do now” consider your statement “agressive” does it? So you were misinterpreted perhaps… it happens, but it wasn’t difficult to see why.

Eric, sounds like you were friendly enough. I think she was hypersensitive to your questions. It would’ve been better if you both were in person so she could’ve seen that you were being friendly and not, ugh, “aggressive”.

I don’t know you, but I do know that she’s not for you, man. I’ve never online dated. I meet enough women at work to keep me busy. Being a male teacher rocks.

InCorporeSano wins the thread and at life.

[quote]nephorm wrote:
I don’t think you’re in the wrong.

She was trying to be reserved and hold back from the start. A lot of women are VERY selective with online dating (even more than they are in real life), and read a LOT into every little thing you type. The absence of body language and voice inflection only makes that worse.

You should never be sending four or five (or more) emails back and forth. Get the phone number and set up a date ASAP. The longer you talk to her online, the more likely you are to screw it up.[/quote]

Good advice, re: # of emails, thanks.

A couple months ago, another woman was holding back, and when I said pretty much the same thing to her “I’ve talked a lot about myself and you have not said anything about yourself” she responded with an apology for being stand-offish because she was apprehensive and new at the internet dating scene. Then she opened up quite a bit.

We met, had an awesome first date, (met the Black Crowes) then it fizzled.

[quote]TurboSSR wrote:
InCorporeSano wins the thread and at life.[/quote]

I agree. He’s like the best friend who talks to you through the plants from the table behind yours in a restaurant in a TV sitcom when you’re on a blind date. Da man for this thread. :slight_smile: