T Nation

If I Ever Become the Evil Overlord


Great rules to remember if you are ever a Good Guy, Evil Overlord, Starfleet Captain, etc., from:

[i][b]If I ever become the Evil Overlord:[/b]

  1. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

  2. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

  3. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

  4. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

  5. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

  6. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

  7. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

  8. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses, and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

  9. I will build machines which simply fail when over-loaded, rather than wiping out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or setting off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".

If I am ever a Starfleet Captain

  1. I will put surge suppressors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking some distant portion does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode.

  2. Technology that chronically malfunctions will be removed from my ship.

  3. If my ship is constantly being bugged, robbed, invaded, or taken over, I will replace my security officer, no matter how cool a character he is.

  4. I will not ask "What does God need with a space ship?" and then order a torpedo strike. I will order the torpedo strike first, and ponder theology on the trip home.

  5. If I board a derelict ship, and it appears that the former crew and passengers all died in some horrible fashion, I will immediately leave the ship, destroy it, and toss the wreckage into the nearest stellar object.

Tips for Evil Geniuses

  1. I will not experiment on myself.

  2. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.

  3. I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.

Guidelines for Legion of Doom Troops:

  1. Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.

  2. When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.

  3. Get plenty of firearms practice, and shoot at the Hero, not at the ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt looks cool, but it won't stop the Hero.

  4. Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or laser blast, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire after something better.

  5. If your unit's name contains words like "Imperial", "Elite", "Supreme", "Tactical", "Storm" or "Special", request a transfer as soon as possible. These guys always get clobbered first when the Heroes attack.


Wow, whoever wrote that has a lot of free time on their hands, a vivid imagination, and has probably never been laid. But some of that is some funny shit!

  1. Get plenty of firearms practice, and shoot at the Hero, not at the ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt looks cool, but it won't stop the Hero.

this is applicable to all storm troopers


only click on the link if you have a whole day to read it


I love nerds.