T Nation

I Want a Divorce!


#1

American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists
and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure
our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can
effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns
and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore andRosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot
Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are
under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a
right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya orWe Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Sincerely,
Conservative America

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheehan, Barbara Streisand, &
Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And we won't have to press 1 for English.


#2

Nice sentiment but it would never work and they'd never agree to it. Just keep in mind who is paying for the current welfare system a bloated government and the brand new heaping pile of dung called national health care.

You see, without the right, the people pulling the wagon, there is no left, the people riding in the wagon.

Too bad huh?


#3


ARRRGGGHHH!!!!! ANGRY WHITE PEOPLE UNITE!!!!!

ARGH!! I'M FAT AND WHITE AND STUCK IN THE MIDDLE CLASS BUT I CAN BENCH 250 OR I PLAYED HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL OR I OWN A TRUCK SO MY DICK MUST BE 10 FEET LONG AND I KNOW I'M BETTER THAN ANYONE

ARGH! I DON'T UNDERSTAND A LOT OF SHIT. AND WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANGERS ME!

ARGH! I FAIL TO SEE THE IRONY IN EMBRACING THE PATRIOT ACT BUT REJECTING OBAMA ON THE GROUNDS OF HIM BEING AN UNCONSTITUTIONAL SOCIALIST!

ARGH! I FAIL TO SEE THE VALUE IN DIPLOMACY AND I'D RATHER JUST USE THIS CHANCE TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT I THINK I HAVE BIG BALLS!

ARGH! I THINK I WROTE SOMETHING CLEVER BUT I'M JUST A SCHMO CRYING ONTO A SCREEN, HOPING SOMEONE WILL PAY ATTENTION TO ME FOR A MOMENT BETWEEN MASTURBATING TO THEIR COMPUTER!

ARGH! I FAIL TO RECOGNIZE HOW CLOSE I AM TO BOARDERLINE FASCIST GEERT WILDERS!!!

SOMEONE COME SHOUT MEANINGLESS UTTERANCES WITH ME ON AN INTERNET FORUM!!! THEN MAYBE I'LL FEEL A LITTLE LESS CRAZY!!!

Please use all caps.


#4

Who needs sex when the government fucks you this bad.


#5


Perhaps you should go back to your ship there Barry.


#6

You embody everything you just argued against.

Funny stuff! I guess you can't see a joke when it's written.


#7

This is the best post I have ever read...I can now die in peace. Too true.


#8

I would simply label the two of you as retarded and move on, but that would be a disservice to the retarded.


#9

If you are going to (try to) pick on someone for being dumber than you, piece of advice - learn to spell.


#10

LOL..


#11

WELL SAID:)


#12

I could agree to that , but the conditions would have to include that the people that do not want any social programs take the half of the country that has no Government subsidized infrastructure , Roads , Airports , electric, fresh water , sewers , garbage highways , You could have the military but you would have to pay the taxes of which probably are two thirds of our budget .


#13

Unfortunately, Lincoln pretty much ensured a divorce will never happen.


#14

And it's written into the Constitution that if part of the country attempts to leave the remaining part can pursue with force.

Also, I think rockscar was joking. Not that he didn't feel what he was saying, just that it was written in jest. Cuz I think we all know what would happen if we didn't have the "other side" to even out way of the nation. If we split up into the left and right, the right would eventually keep becoming more right as the moderate conservatives would have to battle the ultra conservatives. Same with the left. So, we would end up with a socialist hellhole next to a fascist hellhole where one nation used to be. Because equilibrium is hard to keep in any society let alone one that is already predisposed to think one-sided in nature.


#15

I am sure Rock scar thought it was funny, I recieved the email several months ago. I thought it was half baked , not very well reasoned. and simply stupid:)


#16

Orly?!

Since the constitution is such a small document you can show me where it says this...?


#17

Section 10
No State shall enter into any Treaty, Alliance, or Confederation


#18

If it is no longer a member of the Union it is not bound by the Constitution.

And anyway a piece of paper is not going to stop a pissed off and well armed mob.


#19

But the several hundred thousand soldiers who are sworn to protect and uphold that document might be able to convince that mob otherwise.


#20

You mean the same men that cannot even hold Baghdad or Kabul without bribing half of the city?

You think they could hold Los Angeles?

Los Angeles and Houston?

Texas, Montana AND Wyoming?

Frankly, they could not.