T Nation

I Wanna Talk about How to Get a Girlfriend

I’m not even embarrassed to bring up this topic. lol. I grew up with a mental illness, so whatever embarrassing thing you’ve experienced in your life, I’ve experienced ten times worse. And this may be common-sensical to lots of you here who are very experienced with women, but to me this is big. It is the idea that what you read in books is likely bullshit, and that the only way to learn about women is to interact with women. Now, I spent a ton of time perfecting the first impression phase when it comes to girls, and I tell ya, I’m pretty good at it. I sweep them off their feet. But that’s the extent of what I can do. They leave when they learn more about me, or they end up deeply loving me as a harmless FRIEND. In all my life, despite getting laid a bunch of times, I’ve never been able to truly get into a truly serious romantic relationship. And a huge reason why I’m good at the first impression phase… is because I read books about it. But after that initial “fantasy” in their heads, once reality sets in, they just see me as just another guy with a weird streak. Someone with bravado and theatricality, but no substance.

I used to frequent forums that addressed this very issue of picking up chicks. And like any environment, online or real, it is a cultural melting pot. There are guys who have never had issues with women and just go there to give their honest advice, there are guys who despite being fortunate in other aspects of their lives end up going there because they are just so ridiculously socially inept, and there are guys who go there simply because they think it’s fun and would rather do it than learning some other hobby. But as I’ve learned, it’s not the place for me. I am a philosopher first and foremost. It’s what I’m in this world for. And I’ve come to conclude, based on my studies and experience, that people in fact have free-will. There is no algorithm that will make a woman fall for you because women and people have free-will. And the dudes who hang out at those places seem to be convinced that women are mechanical computers requiring a password to get inside their pants. And that’s why I wanted to present this topic HERE in T-Nation, with people with lives. That’s not flattery, it’s sincere. Some of the nicest and most genuine people I’ve ever met almost always belong in the gym. Not a dojo, not a nightclub, not an Ivy League University, not a shelter, not a concert, not a workplace and not an MMORPG. Rather, THE WEIGHT ROOM. THE GYM.

I think it’s about time I show this vulnerable aspect of myself and really just… Ask for honest advice. How do I get a girlfriend? Not how to get laid, but to be with a woman who genuinely wants to take me seriously as a partner. Not a marriage prospect, mind you, but simply in a committed relationship. I’m twenty-nine years old and have no more time to have frivolous sexual encounters. I want a woman with good genes who will give me a son. A son who will succeed at things where I failed at.

So how do I go about this? I’m open to short straightforward advice, lengthy detailed advice, or even book recommendations.

I have some prospects in the gym. Two super hot girls. I’ve talked to them already and I’ll likely see them again. One of them I’ve seen thrice, the other twice. And bro, they are insanely hot. For some reason they’re friendly to me. In fact, for some reason, hot girls are friendly to me even though I’m way out of their league. But with my physical fitness improving and my revitalized ambitions of having a career through going back to college, these hot women are getting closer and closer to my grasp.

And I’m used to getting heart-broken anyway. lmao. Last time, I had a friends with benefits whom I ended up falling in love with. She didn’t want me for anything other than casual hangouts and casual sex, but I wanted more. She took me off of her social circle and I was depressed for a week. After a week, I was back to normal sanity. So yeah, I’m used to feeling those feelings. Right now, I just want a girlfriend who’d take me seriously and make a baby with me when (if) I get solid on my work life.

Any thoughts?

If all this sounds bizarre, just mock me. I’ll learn another lesson in life to keep certain things to myself.

Also… I only want hot girls. Because if I end up with a not-so-hot girl, I’ll definitely replace her if a hot girl falls for me. I don’t wanna be that guy, so I may as well go for the kind of girl I truly want in the first place.

Thanks. I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Have you tried heavy squats?

Sorry, that is the extent of my experience on the subject.


It sounds like you have trouble developing and maintaining real long term relationships rather than “getting a girlfriend”.

Getting a girlfriend takes about 5 minutes of standing still and saying clever things like “Hi” or “Those yoga pants are awesome!”.

Sounds like you sre creating an image for a pick up that isn’t your real personality.

Maybe try dropping the act- and interacting as yourself. You won’t pick up 100s of girls, but when you do it will be someone you’ve actually clicked with.


Noooo that’s a bad reason to get a child! And what if it’s a girl? What do you consider failures, and success in life? What if your son has a different view of these things? Would you force him to adjust to your views of the world? You have to think more about this, if you are a philosopher.

We all have our standards. And I feel you shouldn’t lower your standards, especially if you want a comitted relationship. I won’t, even for casual sex.

Exactly this! Treat women as you would your best friend. They are people, just like you, talk to them normally, show your true self


My impression of reading this text is that you, getting a girlfriend, is some sort of attainment. The keywords that inform that impression is people being within your grasp.

As a person, I’d be very vary of anyone that views me as an end to any particular means. That does not, to me, appear as a very meaningful basis for anything other than perhaps a business relationship.

Maybe pay special attention to viewing other people as other human beings with significant enough thought process of their own for you to be interested in spending time with them, as opposed to this:

and you may find someone that wants to be with you for a longer period of time, and vice versa, someone you want to be with for a longer period of time.


Disagree. Many of the happiest and most successful relationships I know have happened because people have dropped their ridiculous list of physical “must haves” because the right person came along.

Otherwise, I agree with @Voxel and @roadie, live your life with passion and integrity and you’ll find someone to share it with.


Standards are not only physical.

But I agree with you, especially if the “right person” comes along. But until then, why should we? I don’t want a 10. I just something hot enough, who takes care of herself to a degree, and do sports (not bodybuilding or whatever, just some sport)
I believe on can nurture his body and his mind, and that there are not just mild looking girls with great spirits and hot pieces who are dumb or bitches

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That seems smart to me. I was going to clarify my statement above to say that standards like yours make total sense because you are extremely unlikely to be able to have a happy long term relationship with someone who doesn’t meet all those standards. I still remember listening to a list of “must haves” a colleague of mine had that included (but wasn’t limited to), the following:

  • Must be over 6"2
  • Self made man
  • Dark hair
  • Speak French
  • Between 5 and 8 years older than her
  • Own his own house

It went on. This list was at least 20 items long. She was a beautiful girl, no doubt but I couldn’t help sitting there thinking “are you fucking high?”. 10 years later and she’s been extremely happily married for 8 years to a 6 foot ginger guy who didn’t hit a single point on her list. No worries about attraction there though.


Of course this is crazy. Just the fact “must be over 6"2” would be disregarding so many men…

I used to have zero standards lol, they came up with age. Also I should add “must work or study something”

I think the key there is that your standards are indicators of the things you value in a person. That’s pretty important. Your standards will probably help you decide whether things are a good long term fit or just a short term excitement because she looks good in yoga pants.


Dick pics

But you gotta set yourself apart. Treat yourself to a groom, exfoliation and tan in the nether-regions

Bring in a stylist and professional photographer. Just have fun with the day, you’ll be surprised at just how good you look.

Then send it to anyone who expresses the slightest interest in you (romantic or otherwise) then watch poontang roll in.


I think most young men can’t get past the yoga pants thing… but most young men are just looking for ass.


Hard to imagine life at 30/40/50 when you’re 20. It’s not just in relationships this shows.

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True… what characteristics one finds important at 20 somthing isn’t the same when your older.


This reminds me… this was touched on a episode of the original Star Trek series. In a episode called Mudds Women… little geek trivia

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Once you get your squat to 450 the government will provide you with a girlfriend


Fully autonomous beings cannot be gotten in any meaningful way.


I’d be damn pretty happy with either. Not even that greedy, working towards a 405 squat ahah

Hi Voxel.

I once had a young girlfriend… I was 18 and she was 16, still a naive girl. I asked her why she chose me. You know what she said? Because I was nice to her.

Dude no, screw that. I don’t want a woman who likes me because of my friendliness. It’s infuriating. I was born friendly. Friendliness and kindness come extremely naturally for me. I want a woman who would flatter my alpha qualities. Things like work ethic, good looks, intelligence, wealth, resourcefulness, muscles, sexual prowess. I want her to lust after me the same way I lust after her.

I’ve had many women who wanted me and I just simply refused to go for them. I just can’t. I don’t know where I got it, but I don’t think it’s ethical for me to settle for anything less than what I want. I don’t know where I got that from, but somehow I feel I can have something better.

I don’t want people telling me I’m nice. That’s literally like a woman telling her black boyfriend she dated him because he’s black. It’s not flattering. It’s annoying.

My niceness and saintliness, as powerful as they are, didn’t get me anywhere in life. It’s when I discovered Napoleon and his qualities that I started becoming more efficient. It’s the 21st century. Nobody appreciates a truly Christian man anymore. Perhaps when Christ comes again and eliminates the evils of the world, then we can all be nice to each other and no one would take advantage of our vulnerabilities. But we’re not in that kind of golden paradise yet. I gotta play by the rules of this messed up world. And according to the rules, being a nice guy doesn’t get the alpha female. And I won’t settle for anything less than the creme of the crop.