T Nation

I Think I Admire This Guy


From the darwin awards site:


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the nearfuture.

Here goes: On my first day of retirement, I bought something at the Police Supply Shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool! I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld one for civilians.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did it.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty.) It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The cat was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps,right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles?

I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round. Miss 'em...! sure would like to get'em back.

I wonder what retirement day two will bring?





I second this experience, I bought one from a mail order mag. It used one little nine volt battery, that little bitch snapped and everything. Hurt like a Son of a Bitch. Highly recommended for all T-Vixens who work late or alone.



That should have been an Atomic Dog...
Funny stuf.
You're a excellent writer. If experimenting on yourself becomes too dangerous you can start a new career writing...much less painfull I am sure :slight_smile:


Funniest thing I've read all week.


Is he a good writer based on the part where he wrote "From the darwin awards site:" or are you basing your opinion on previous writings of his that you have read?


Yeah, I've seen this many times before, but I still get a laugh every time I read it.


About 15 years ago my buddy bought a stun gun.

We used to shock eacj other all the time with it.

It seems to give the victim superhuman strength because everytime my buddy shocked me I immediately beat the shit out of him and viceversa.

I would never use it as a real self defense tool for fear the other guy would simply kill me.


freakin' hilarious.


Ha, you got me!
I obviously am not that good of a reader!

Funny shit nonetheless though :slight_smile:



I got some CS gas last week and I am desperate to try it out, but not as desperate as that guy was!

Thanks for posting that, proper funny


Yup, Funny thing, I bought my wife a device that also takes 2 aa batteries, and she has some of the same reactions. I just hope she never tries to defend herself against a mugger with it.


You've got hit with CS or you have some? Ive been hit with CS numerous times, and I cant say it gets any easier each time. The first time, in marine corp boot camp we had a few guys freak out and get manhandled by the DI's while they were screaming they cant breathe(go figure...). The rest of us are standing there sucking gas waiting for the sign to put the mask back on.

Anyhow, your not missing much. It burns your eyes, throat, lungs for a while after you get exposed. It has these little cyrstals supended in the gas that get lodged into your pores and what not and cause pain.


I have a can of CS gas (Ialso have been on the receiving end years ago), I am well aware of what it does to people, I just would like to try my can out to make sure its OK (its suppossed to be some super strength german stuff) but as with the tazer its not the sort of thing you should test on yourself. I have offered some of my friends ?20 if they will let me give them a little spray in the face, but the refuse!