T Nation

I really miss my kids

Went to my son’s birthday party tonight at laser quest and took him and his buddies back to his Mom’s house for a sleep over. Austin just turned 9 and his sister (Abby) just turned 4. Their mother and I have been separated for about 9 months and due to my work schedule I don’t see them very much. I do get them e.o. weekend but the weekend starts on Saturday evenings at 6pm since I work every Saturday. I am in retail (the car business) and am hardly ever away from the dealership.
So, we get to their house and they go down to the basement. My ex and I are upstairs and Abby is cuddling with me on the couch while her Mom lays at the other end. Amazingly enough their mother and I get along pretty well;much better than when we were together.
She actually asked me to stay with them tonight but I ended up telling her I couldn’t since I had to be at work at 830am. Yes, poor excuse.
It’s just that it hurt so bad being there and knowing I wouldn’t be there every day like I should. I had to leave before it really started to set in and someone might notice. Abby didn’t want me to go (she cried) but I reassured her that I would be there tomorrow night to get them and keep them till 9pm on Sunday. Guess me thinking that is what kept me from tearing up.
On the way home I just fucking lost it. Rode around for an hour or so to try to collect myself and tried to make a few calls to some close friends but no luck. Doesn’t anyone stay up past 12am anymore?:slight_smile:
I would love so much to be a part of their every day life but know I can’t and it fucking hurts. I love their mother and always will but cannot spend the rest of my life in a relationship that is so mentally/ emotionally draining. Just thinking of them growing up day by day without me by their side is too overwhelming.
Sorry to waste everyone’s time on this type of shit but if anyone has some good ideas on getting me through this I’d really appreciate it.
It’s 1:40am and I’m taking my tired ass to the bed.
Thanks.

I miss mine too.
I never should have sold them on the Ukranian black market =(

There are times when I wish my Ex and I worked just a bit more/longer on fixing what was wrong in our relationship.

Don’t sign the divorce papers until you are 100% certain it is the ONLY way to handle it.

I feel for you. I can not imagine the pain and heartache.

Any chance you can make a career change that would allow you to see them more?

If you are ever invited to spend the night to be with them…shove your ego somewhere else and suck it up and stay. Those moments will mean the world to your children. I watch the pain in my children’s eyes as Daddy always tells them he is busy with work and can’t visit. Constantly being told no is hard to deal with. How would you feel if someone you loved was always telling you they were too busy or had other things to do?? I don’t think I ever heard my Father say those words to me. I think you can always make time for things you want to . Time to evaluate your schedule and find more time somewhere to see them. I am sure you two adults can work something out.

What part of VA are you in??

Sounds like you and the Mrs. could benefit from some counseling. It doesn’t sound like it’s too late to me. She is reaching out to you but don’t seem to be receptive. If you can’t afford to take an hour a week off from your job to try and straighten out your family life, you’re in the wrong business, are being taken advantage of or think that you are more important than you really are to the success of the business. If you don’t want a life that includes your wife, suck it up and live with your decision. It’s your move Musl.

mh, why do you spend so much time at work? Think about it. When you’re on your deathbed, you’re not going to wish you spent more time at the office.

Pray. And I will too.

FatSensei

Iron Maiden: I live in Richmond

I have to work the schedule I do to make sure I meet my monthly child support obligations (which I have no problem doing). I’d love to work a 40 hour week and have more time but it just isn’t going to happen for me. I know life must have a balance but mine is quite off due to the circumstances.

Try and make your time the best it can be with them. I too, understand what you are going through and what you feel.

I have been separated for more than 2 years (almost 2.5) and that is definitely the hardest part when they go away for awhile. I think men in general drive around a lot and look for someone to understand. I know I have spent hundreds of hours in my vehicle alone, hundreds of hours on the phone and a thousand or so hours at the gym when my kids are not with me. When they are with me we do lots of things together which has brought us close.

Being from Richmond (I assume VA), you should be close to a ski resort, I think it is called Snowshoe (or at least it was when I skied there)
Take the there and get them going. Get them involved somehow in your workout routine, even if it is doing a few pushups at home. Tell them about your love for them and the reason you exist. Tell them about love in general. When you are not with them, plan your time with them. Take a few days off!

Find a best friend for your alone days and bring him/her into your life. I have one, a real good one. Female, gorgeous, strong in hundreds of ways, driven, gorgeous, pretty, smiley, oh yeah… gorgeous! The kids will love it and notice it when you are happy, comfortable and relaxed around this person. Oh yeah, make sure she is a T-vixen because you will have something to fantasize about when you are really alone!!! (did I say that out loud?)

Anyway, hold them, hug them, talk to them, play with them, look at them and they will look back at you with the brightest, most adoring eyes you have ever seen. I guarantee the alone times will be better.

Isn;t it interesting that no matter how tough and mean we are or how much we lift, our kids and wives still make us blubber like babies.

Example: I was talking to my sister last night about her upcoming wedding.
After I got off the phone I started thinking about when my little girls get married and walking them down the aisle and them as adults all grown up.
Darn near got weepy just thinking about it.

Sorry to hijack, MH

I wish that I had an answer for you but I would like to tell you that you are not alone. My wife told me 5 months ago that she wanted a divorce because she wasn’t happy. I have a step-daughter that has been with me since she was 2, whom I hardly ever get to see anymore (twice a week isn’t enough). The strange thing is my wife gave me custody of my 2yr old daughter. The day I signed the divorce papers I cried for hours. I understand you missing your kids and I have a feeling that you will always give them your best. Great toppic for a first time post.

Yet more wise words from Avoids Roids. I’d take his advice. By doing that you have very little to lose, and everything to gain.

Why don;t you smoke more pot. That should help.

Why don’t you get your butt into a good marriage counselor and fix the marriage?

Hard work, yeah, but why put yourself and your kids through the pain of divorce?

Grooveless- I think I will

Warhorse- We tried that before getting separated and the therapist directed most of his energy and direction towards her because he thought she had most of the work to do in regards to the relationship. This pissed her off and she wouldn’t go back even after I suggested we go to a female therapist to make her feel more comfortable.
Her mother has been married five times, her sister has 4 kids and no custody (two different dads) and is a crack addict, her step-dad is a dick because he controls her Mom in every thing she does so she does not visit much (1hr45min away)and oh I forgot her father was found dead in a ditch lying face down in the water during a a rainstorm with his shoes sitting neatly placed beside him. The case was never closed and reason thought for death was murder.
Yeah, I know it sounds like “Springer” but just the way it is. We have grown apart in our lives as we married young (she was 22 and I was 25) and had our first child two years earlier. I became Austin’s father about 3 weeks after conception. Our next child was born in January of 2000.
Sorry for the long post but I figured I’d shine a little light on our lives.

No offense to you or your wife but it seems like you chose a woman with a very dysfunctional upbringing to be the mother of your kids. From what you just said, it sounds like your marriage was doomed from the start.
As far as what that other guy said about putting your kids through a divorce. Yeah, thats rough on kids but so is living with 2 people that cant stand each other and that constantly bicker.
Do whats best for everyone. Whatever that is.

Front-
You are exactly right bro. My parents lived w/each other for at least 7 years too long and it was not a pretty sight. I would have been a lot happier w/o all the B.S.
Just to set the record straight when I married her, her sister was not a crack addict, had only one child and her mom had only been married four times.
Still fucked up though. Guess I just wanted to “rescue” her…

Have your wife, SHE IS NOT YOUR EX UNTIL YOU DIVORCE, read your post. Pour your energy into making it work. The therapist focused on her because of all the dysfunction. Have you faith in your life?

Well that’s certainly a tough row of oats to hoe. Might still want to see a counselor on your own just to see if there’s anything that could be done you missed.

Thx War-
exactly what I was thinking. Going to get it set up.