Chuck Norris once f**ked a prostitute and got AIDS. He then went home and slep it off.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
[quote]Haramdar wrote:
Chuck Norris once wanted to see what he would look like without a beard. He then split himself into two Chucks. He shaved the new Chuck Norris and called it Vin Diesel.
[/quote]
That right there is pure, unadulterated supermaximumawesomeness!
Chuck Norris performs cold fusion in his left testicle, and nuclear fission in his right.
Chuck Norris runs contrary to the Geneva Convention. However, in 1958 President Eisenhower persuaded the International Court of Human Rights to strike out that particular clause, on the grounds that Chuck Norris would kick all of their asses if they didn’t.
Michael Jackson’s face is a result of a Chuck Norris ass kicking.
Originally, God created both Adam and Steve, but God’s young apprentice, Chuck Norris, did not approve of Steve’s incredibly gay behavior, so he roundhouse kicked Steve until the “S”, “t”, and penis were knocked out of him.
In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ beard has three superbowl rings.
Chuck Norris is his own father.
Chuck Norris can count his chickens before they hatch.
The highest degree of Masonry is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse kicked its way through Norris’ front door.
When Chuck awoke the next morning, he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works for.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris’s penis is so massive that it has its own elbow. In conclusion, Chuck Norris can use his penis to karate chop midgets and handicapped midgets.
Chuck norris doesn’t read books, he stares at them coldly until they give him the information he needs
This shit is rampant on facebook:
Chuck Norris Facts:
? Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
? Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
? Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.
? If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
? Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
? Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
? Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
? The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
? To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
? When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
? Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
? Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
? A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
? When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
? Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
? Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 having sex with his waitress.
? Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
? Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
? Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
? Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
? A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
? Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made
? Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
? If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
? Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
? Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
? As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
? Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
? Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
? Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Rumors claim the dinosaurs were wiped out by a massive comet. This is false. Chuck Norris simply roundhouse kicked all of them into oblivion.
Viagra is extracted from Chuck Norris’ beard.
Chuck Norris opened Pandora’s Box, looked at its contents, and then closed it.
Mothers warn their kids not to play with themselves by telling them that Chuck Norris will grow on their palms and roundhouse kick their balls off.