There’s a lot of talk on this board about how much difficulty some of you fellas have finding suitable women. In the spirit of sharing, caring and helping, I’ve decided to post the definitive guide to scoring with women. After you read this and put these suggestions in practice, you will never again lack for bodacious babes.
How to Score With Women
At the gym
The most important thing you can do to attract women in the gym is to make sure you haven’t showered in three days before going there. Ensure your pits are emanating the funkiest odor possible. Nothing turns a woman on more than the smell of a man in his raw, natural state. Aroo, aroo!
In addition, eat a can of salmon just prior to training and don’t brush your teeth afterwards. The odor coming from your mouth will enhance the smell of your unwashed pits and provide a double olfactory whammy for the babe you’re dying to impress.
If body odor and bad breath are not quite the aromatic statements you wish to make, douse yourself in the cheapest cologne you can find just prior to hitting the weight room.
Before you do barbell or dumbbell chest work, make sure you’re drenched in sweat and the gooey kid stuff you put in your hair is dripping everywhere. Do your sets without putting a towel on the bench and then walk away leaving a large puddle on it. This will trigger the domestic instinct of any T-vixen and will enflame her with an untold passion to clean up after you and be your mother.
Wear a pair of those lovely clown pants. Every woman loves a man with a keen sense of style and clown pants will be an invaluable addition to your pickup arsenal.
If clown pants are not your style, you can fall back on the old standby - lycra cycling shorts. Yes, these just are just what the doctor ordered for the ultimate in turn-on wear, especially if you have a skinny butt. If you want to go the extra mile, wear a cycling T-shirt and cycling shoes for a great fashion statement.
You can also wear shorts that are way too small. When wearing a pair, lie down and stretch your leg behind you towards the floor. The sight of your family jewels straining to break free like a rabid rottweiler on a short leash will have the ladies drooling in no time. To heighten the effect, don’t shave your balls.
Wait, there’s more! If you train first thing in the morning or late at night save some dressing or undressing time and wear your pajama bottoms to train. That hot chick with the heaving bosom might just provide you with a blanket and a pacifier to complete your ensemble.
Show your keen fashion sense even further by wearing your oldest, rattiest T-shirt. You know which one I’m talking about - the one splattered with pitch and paint, that’s full of holes and has yellow pit stains. Combine with any of the above-mentioned lower-body coverings and your BQ (babe quotient) will reach astronomical heights.
When squatting or doing SDLs, let one blow. The sweet young thang next to you will instantly recognize you as a man of good breeding and refinement after this spectacular show.
Leave 20 plates on the leg press so that a woman who weighs 100 pounds and is new to working out can unload them for you. She will know for sure you would be kind and considerate if she ever did go out with you.
Between sets, brag loudly to your buddies about your sexual conquests. A woman will be very happy to know her name will be broadcast all over the gym if ever she does bed you.
Any one of these tactics is guaranteed to make the T-vixen of your dreams trade in her unattractive, butt-revealing thong for a pair of super-sexy, utility brown underwear that covers her lower half thoroughly.
At the supermarket
If you’re in the produce section, grab a few juicy melons, look at the object of your desires and say “oooga, oooga” while squeezing the melons suggestively. Maybe she’ll respond with an invitation to go back to her place so the two of you can make fruit salad.
Or, grab a large zucchini, stuff it down your pants (preferably lycra cycling shorts) and swing your hips back and forth lewdly while making come-hither eyes at the fox next to you. Who knows, she might invite you over to her place to make ratatouille. Don’t forget to stop off in the canned-goods section for some tomato sauce.
If you’re in the meat section, grab two large steaks, slap them on your arms under your T-shirt and hit a double biceps. The woman you’re eyeing will be impressed with your beefy arms and will invite you over to her place for a nice steak dinner. Hey, you’ve already got the vegetable and dessert.
If you want to make sure your woman will bend over for you in the bedroom, kitchen, garage, or toolshed at any time, here are my recommendations:
Watch TV or play a computer game all evening while your lady cooks supper, washes the dishes, gives the kid a bath, walks the dog, does the laundry, repaints the living room, and reroofs the house. Nothing gets a woman hotter than this show of appreciation. To make extra sure she’s ready for your love spear at 1 A.M. after you’ve been lounging around all evening, complain about the noise she’s making while reroofing. Tell her it’s breaking your concentration while you’re trying to watch “The Simpsons” or destroy demons.
When you finish showering, don’t towel off in the bathroom. Instead, walk dripping wet all over the house and leave water stains all over the floors she’s just spent an hour washing.
On the weekends, don’t shave, don’t comb your hair, and wear nothing but your old sweats and old T-shirts. And don’t forget the threadbare underwear so that when your woman gets so enflamed with passion by your debonair style she’ll see the crowning touch when she peels off your clothes lasciviously.
Turn up the volume on the stereo as loud as possible while playing monotonous dance music and bob your head up and down like a demented chicken. If stopped at a red light, take off with tires screeching even before the light turns green. If heading towards a yellow light, put the pedal to the metal while 500 yards away, even though you know damn well the light will be red by the time you get there. Go through it anyway, hitting any pedestrians in your path. Hey, you missed that little old lady with a cane hobbling across the intersection.
If you’re with your buddies, hoot and holler at the fox standing on the corner. She’s an attractive woman; you can bet nobody else has ever done this before. She will be so impressed with your display of originality she will immediately hop into the car with you and your buddies and insist all of you head for the nearest adult motel for a lengthy gangbang.
Let’s not forget the classic: pick your nose while stopped at a red light. Well, at least you stopped.
When you speak to a woman, make sure you keep your eyes glued to her breasts. Don’t look her in the eye even once. She will consider this a brash move and will think you’re a cad. To appear even more saavy, comment on what a nice rack she has.
Make sure you talk about yourself incessantly. Whatever you do, don’t show any interest in her whatsoever. A woman loves a man who is considerate enough not to put her on the spot by asking her to reveal intimate details about herself, such as her name.
On a date
If you’re at a restaurant on that all-important first date don’t leave a tip even though the server has given you A-1 service all evening. A woman loves a man who knows how to be thrifty. To impress her even more with your parsimony, take her to the local burger joint and order the 2-for-1 special.
Make sure you turn to look at every attractive woman who walks by. No woman likes to know you have eyes only for her. Make sure you crane your neck backwards and almost fall off your chair while turning to look at the attractive ass that just crossed your line of vision. This tactic will guarantee you end up in her bed before the evening is done.
At the office
Make a xerox of your Johnson and send it to the hot young intern in accounting. Don’t forget to emblazon it with the following caption:
This could be yours if you play your cards right.
Send the co-worker of your dreams pornographic MP3s starring yourself. She’ll be so impressed with your cinematic savoir faire, she’ll tell your boss you’re a budding Andrew Blake. That’s lucky for you. You’re going to need a new career when you get fired for sexual harassment.
So there you have it gentlemen, many surefire ways to pick up the woman of your dreams. Go for it!