T Nation

How to Murder Your Wife in Italy


#1

Recently an Italian journalist explained a great way of murdering your wife and avoiding prison:

1) Murder your wife

2) Go to the police station, surrender and confess.

3) Tell the police she offended you causing your overreaction.

You can now get bail before the trial because:

A) There's is not an escape danger(you surrendered).

B) There's not a risk of tampering with evidence or witnesses(you confessed).

C) There's not a risk of reiteration of the crime(you have not remarried yet...)

Waiting for the trial to start you are in house detention(1 year) but you can go to work. At the trial you face 30 years imprisonment. First your lawyer will show extenuating circumstances getting your punishment decreased to 21 years. Then because you were offended and provoked by your wife, the punishment can be lowered subtracting 1/3. Now the punishment is 21 minus 7 = 14 years.

And common extenuating circumstances are almost always given to the respondent, so 14 - 5 = 9 years. If you pay reparations to relatives of you wife your punishment is decreased and reach 6 years. Then if you ask for shortened rite the punishment is knocked down to 4 years. Since you stayed in house detention for 1 year you can subtract that time and get 4 - 1 = 3 years. Sentences of 3 years or less can be converted to social services work.

If you follow this system you should safely be able to murder your wife in Italy and not have to go to prison.


#2

Why would someone want to kill their wife?


#3

^^^ Holy smokes...you're a virgin!?!?!


#4

It would be easier to get drunk and hit her, accidentally, with your car or truck.


#5

Stab her with an icicle.


#6

If you kill someone like that you get to be buried, with honours, in a Russian graveyard.

EDIT : Nevermind, I thought an "icicle" was something else. La-la-la-la-la-la.


#7

While we're on the topic, a girl was murdered few years ago in Spain. A gang of guys confessed the crime, including the rape prior the murder, but since the corpse hasn't been found they can not be judged and they are free.

It seems the father of one of the murderers burned the corpse in the hospital crematorium. 0% chances of getting anything back.


#8

Please tell us what you thought an icicle was!


#9

EDIT : "A mountaineering ice axe, often incorrectly referred to as an "ice pick""

Ice pick...icicle...mixed up stuff.


#10


Ice pick? It's been done.


#11

Yes, in real life, by Ramón Mercader. That's why I said this "buried in Russia" thing.


#12

Money, jealousy, hatred?


#13

you found out she was a hooker :stuck_out_tongue:


#14

I didn't say I wanted to murder my wife. I was just talking about murdering wives in general you know.


#15

If you want to know more about killing your wife and how to avoid jail, pick up the latest copy of Wife Murderer's Digest. Available at all good retailers.


#16

Are you saying those are reasonable reasons to kill your wife?


#17

I don't think there's any reasonable reason to kill a wife.


#18

Great. In Italy you can murder someone and go free or you can be plainly, obviously innocent of murder and do 30 years. If you're a naive young American exchange student.


#19

in my best DarkNinja impression:

clears throat

"What if you're ass-fucking her with a loaded shotgun and your trigger-finger slips?"

Just kidding, of course.

And then you watch reality TV and you realize that considering what kind of people are out there, accidental-death-by-anally-inserted-shotgun seems like an entirely plausible occurrence among some circles.


#20

Well that's a relief.