T Nation

How to move on after 7 years?

After seven year of marriage to the most amazing woman I have ever met, we decided to go our separate ways. My (ex)wife has spent the better part of the last three years traveling for her job. We still had a great relationship and sex life even though she spent about half the time on the road. On Nov. 2 she accepted a new position 2000 miles from me. When she did I knew it was over. She moved the week before Thanksgiving. When she came home for Xmas she told me that she wanted to separate permanently and start our divorce. We have changed over the years and have grown in different directions. But what really bothers me is that she doesn’t seem to mind that she can no longer see our 4 year old daughter on a regular basis. I was happy that she wanted me to have custody because I have pretty much rasied her for the last few year while my wife traveled. I just don’t understand how a loving mother can just pack up and leave her child and be ok with it. Yes, she says it is hard on her but still she was the one who chose to move. Anyhow, my question is how to get back in the swing of things and meet some new woman. I am 30 with a 4 1/2 year old daughter. I don’t really feel like going through the bar thing again. EHarmony.com, Cupid.com, do these things work. Any suggestions TMag’s.

Take your daughter to the park, beach, etc. Kids are chick magnets. Immediately you’re hitting their hot buttons, you’re obviously a caring and loving father, and once they find out you’re single the rest is easy.

I’m sorry to hear about your wife leaving. It is pretty hard to figure out, especially with you two having a child, why she’d do that. I guess it really doesn’t matter in the big picture. You take care of yourself and your girl and the rest will come.

I really can’t understand how someone could put their career before their own child.Breaks my heart to think of a little girl growing up without her mom.
Sorry man, can’t offer any advice but best of luck.

Oh, and I’d stay clear of Parents Without Partners and stuff like that. They used to come ot a place I worked a lot and well…just stay away.

“I just don’t understand how a loving mother can just pack up and leave her child and be ok with it.”

She isn’t a loving mother. She’s a selfish asshole.

When you start dating, please, do not introduce your daughter to every woman you go out with. I’ve watched my step-daughter get attached again and again to her dumbass father’s girlfriends, only to have him dump them later on. That shit is so hard on a kid. Especially a four year old girl who is going to be looking for a replacement mommy after she was left by her real mom. Good luck.

Just get out there and live your life and you will meet women. Forget about the dating websites. Take your time.

Mike Mahler

Those online sites can and do work – my friend met his fiancee on Match.com. EHarmony sounds as if it would be good in your situation, what with its advertised “in-depth” personality profiles and whatnot.

However, I want to address something you did not, just to make certain it is out there: you need to take the time to get over your ex wife, and to develop a plan as to how to handle dating and your kid. I personally believe that you owe it to the kid to keep her away from your dates unless and until they become serious relationships, and that you owe it to her to screen with her needs first and foremost on your mind.

Again, not that I think you wouldn’t, but I just wanted to emphasize the importance. Good luck.

MWilson,

That’s a harsh reality man.

I don’t understand how someone could choose a career over a family. I’m not sure what she’s doing that would be more important than raising a child, but she sounds like she’s lost sight of what’s important in life.

Growing up in a divorced family myself, my father was away for most of my childhood. I know, now, that he has some serious regret about missing those important moments of my youth. As awful as it sounds, I hope your ex-wife feels the same pain someday.

Best of luck to you man. You’ll meet someone when the time is right, have faith in that.

Brent

MWilson,

sending a cyber hug your way…and two for your little princess. As a mother I can not imagine how a Woman could walk away. You must always reinforce to your daughter that she didn’t do anything wrong to make “Mommy” leave. Lots of love, hugs and affection from you to fill in the gaps.

There are great women out there…many that were shit on by their ex’s and are looking to start over too.

I have met a few very special men through online ads. Beware of the multitude of psychos there too. Be selective and careful.

you are going to do fine. PM me anytime! your daughter is lucky to have you…and you are VERY lucky to have her with you. It isn’t always going to be easy…but the good outweighs the bad a hundred fold.

any man or woman that is willing to just up and leave their child like that is a fucking piece of shit cunt. i should know, i speak from experience. im sorry bro, but she is far from amazing.

Sorry Bro. Sad state of affairs.

Yeah, that does sound rough. I wouldnt worry so much about dating so soon. That will come later.
Make your kids life as stable as possible first and then worry about when you’ll find time to get laid. That said though, your happiness is important since no kid wants to grow up around a miserable, sulking sad sack.
So places for a 30 year old guy to meet women (that arent lame and cheesy like bars) is the gym. A good place since lots of single moms go there and drop off their kids at the day care. Colleges. Single moms often take night classes to further their careers or if you dont want a single mom. Hey, bone a 21 yr old co-ed.
There are women everywhere (unless you live in Alaska or someplace like that). Don’t sweat it. Youre a young guy and if your any kind of father (I sense you are) then you’ll concentrate on being happy with your little girl. Good luck.

Its good that you recognize that she was a good person while she was around and you don’t seem like you are devastated; kinda like you knew it was coming. I’m sorry it didn’t work out and clearly your situation with your kid isn’t a good one; make sure it doesn’t get worse. Document everything relative to your daughter’s interaction with her mother because she’s likely to come around later and could make attempts to get her back. It sounds to me like she’s really pre-occupied with something and it might not necessarily just be her job. That will wear off eventually and because she’s willing to part ways for a while knowing you will be responsible, she can have her fun and just “come back later”. Don’t let her screw you twice.

Good luck.

I’ll second doogie’s comments. She is not a loving mother or a devoted wife. She put herself first and that does not make a good mom or a good wife. It’s a WE thing. You might not be over her yet.

Focus on your girl…not other women. That will come in time. I also agree do not introduce her to every person you meet. Wait till you are really sure you have met the one you are staying with. Your kid doesn’t need that in her life.

Good luck brother. It’s a tough deal but you’ll be better off.

Don’t date for a year after your divorce. After that, be picky. And don’t put your ex down to your daughter…it will hurt you more in the long run. Concentrate on your daughter and all else will fall in line at some point. My daughter met her fiance thru a personal ad on an AOL website after her boyfriend of 6 years dumped her. He is a pretty decent fellow too. That might be the exception though. Good luck.

I have to agree with everyone who has posted before me. To just up and leave your child has got to be the most fucked up, piece of shit thing you can do. I actually went through a six month seperation and I have 2 girls, ages 10 and 8. It was devestating to only see them every other weekend and on one evening a week. But that’s enough about me. I feel for you bro and I wish you and your little angel the best. Keep the faith 'cause things have a strange way of working themselves out.

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I never expected so many so quickly. Just to answer a few question and comments that some of you made. My ex-wife chose to leave because over the course of her travels she became very independent and self centered with only one focus in mind…her career. With the move came more opportunities to move up the corporate ladder. Her Dad can’t even believe that she put so much space between herself and our daughter. I am not in a big hurry to meet woman, just looking for someone to talk to that isn’t 4 1/2. My relationship with my daughter(Makayla) is the most important thing in my life. I would never do anything to interfer with that. Thanks for the advise about not interducing her to people that I meet, although she does think I should ask out one of her teachers at her daycare. How about that, my daughter is trying to give me dating advice. Take care all, I’ll keep you posted. And again, thanks for the support it really means alot to me.

Mark

I will reserve comment on your ex as only someone who is witness to your relationship and the two of you as people would have any insightful opinion. I am sorry to here about your situation, especially for your daughter. You sound like a pretty devoted dad though, and I’m sure you will choose a dating situation that is appropriate for your daughter.
Having gone through a seperation about a year and a half ago, I know what it’s like jumping back into the dating scene. I also understand the reluctance to want to meet women in bars…not my thing either. My suggestion, live life and take chances.
As for online dating, while you need to be careful (as IM stated) there are many wonderful women who use this method of meeting men. I have met some quality people through Lavalife and currently date a fantastic woman I met that way.
Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

i am sorry to hear about your situation but i agree with you just spending some time getting ‘over’ your wife leaving, i think that way your thinking will be alot more clearer when you do decide to find someone else.

regarding your wife, i can assure you one day it will really hit her that she has literally cut herself from her daughter, but then that’s the bed she made for herself.

Don’t be hard on yourself pal, things will work out for you. Concentreate on your daughter for the while as i am sure her head is all over the place.

good luck
Tokman

Same thing happened to a friend of mine, sorry to hear it. One thing is to make sure you get “FULL” custody while she is in a stupid state of mind. Five years from now when she wants to be a mother again you’ll be happy that you are in full control and can protect your daughter. I’m not saying to use your little girl a weapon, just that you want to be able to do whats right for her without your ex having any say in the matter.

Good Luck.