T Nation

How to Eat for FREE at Any 5 Star Restaurant


If you're like me, you eat even when you're away from home. As a frequent traveler, I get pretty annoyed when I go to a new 5 star restaurant in a random city and they try to charge me for the food I eat for ONE MEAL.

This is an attempt to force people to not overeat, which for 100% of bodybuilders is never a possibility. Serious bulkers who are traveling obviously have just cause for overeating the world's finest cuisine, but are treated the same as the gluttonous masses by the numskull host at the restaurant's front desk.

What to do? Most people either 1. don't eat there 2. pay the bullshit price. 1 is out for anyone serious about eating and 2. is out for anyone who knows better, which soon will be you.

To eat for free at the finest 5 star restaurant when traveling, I simply walk past the host at the front desk, eat as much as I can, and leave without paying. 99% of the time they don't try to stop me. To do this effectively, you have to make sure to do a few things:

  1. Most importantly, act like you should be there and have a reservation. Like you've been there a thousand times, so many that checking to see if you're on the guest list is beneath you. The same way you do at Christmas dinner with the family.

  2. Walk fast. The less time they have to notice you and think about stopping you, the better. Plus if you look like you're in a hurry they won't want to interrupt you and slow you down.

  3. Look pissed off. No one wants to refuse food to someone who's angry or in a bad mood, much less go out of their way to stop them.

  4. Don't make eye contact. Ignore them completely, like you didn't even see them. This makes it harder for them to get your attention and stop you. Now they're forced to chase after you if they want to do anything. You can have your phone out like you're texting as you walk by or you can be scanning the restaurant as if you're looking for the rest of your reservation.

  5. Have some snacks on you and be munching them as you pass the reservation booth. I don't need to do this anymore but it can't hurt. Last time the girl called after me "sir, what's the name of your reservation?" but I kept chewing like it was impossible for me to talk to her and she knew I must be serious about eating, since I was eating before I even got to my table.

  6. Take a seat at any table that has an unoccupied seat. Act like you know the family sitting there. They will act like they don't know you approximately 80% of the time, but that's when you tell them how the restaurant overcharges serious eaters like you and that you can't survive without eating as much of the delicious 5 star food they have to offer as you can. They'll understand. If not, you stab them in the eye with a fork, and they'll know you're serious.

  7. Now, be sure to order the most expensive menu item from 1. appetizers 2. entrees 3. dessert. Bulking is a serious game, and we serious bulkers need to eat serious food.

  8. Don't make eye contact with your waiter. Just point to the food you want. This way they know you're a serious eater too.

  9. When you get your food, make sure you chew as loud as possible. You want everyone in the restaurant to know you're a serious eater.

  10. Now this last part is tricky. Since you just ate as much 5 star food as you could for your survival, you are going to have a hard time standing up and leaving as quickly as you came in. Bottom line is, if you're a serious eater, you WON'T be able to run out before they notice you haven't paid. So you have to fake a heart attack. This will stir up such a panic, it will more than likely slip everyone's minds that you haven't paid for all the delicious food. They will call an ambulance and bring you to the hospital. But as you know, hospitals charge wayyyyy to much for routine visits. So, luckily, I know how you can get their service for FREE!

...I'll save that for my next post.


Greatest parody I've read in a while!


Yeah, I do this at 5 star restaurants, and a few local joints. It's awesome.


I'm still stuck on the avi.


Yeah. The management just doesn't get it. If you're serious about bulking, they need to hold you to a different standard and shouldn't expect to get your hard earned money for their food.


I think you need a new avi...if for no other reason than it takes me forever to read your posts..

great parody, btw


And why not? Surely no one around here has seen a parody thread before.


Haha! Thanks for the laugh!


HAHA! Couldn't stop lolling - got tears in my eyes. So... Who's the girl in your avatar?


I will have to remember this. Does this work for 5 star hotels and resorts as well?



lol It is a good parody but also funny, to me at least, is that there is nothing actually stopping you from doing this either(as some people will tell you from experience). Now obviously this is different because your actually stealing their food whereas in a gym your not actually taking any property from them(unless you manage to stuff some of their jump ropes down your pants in the locker room or something).


Fuck that. If you just tell the waiter that you're writing a review for a website or something they'll give you free food no questions asked.


Bunch of amateurs. Who doesn't have the whole video?






Those gifs don't have the bouncy bouncy. It's all in the BB! Awesome in their own right, but not as mesmerising.


You're a thief.

Your avi is the only thing redeeming you.




Quoted for epicness!


Now I want to do a parody thread called "What If Your True Love Died 400 Yds Back"