T Nation

How Did You Know?


#1

How did you know the girl you married was the on you would marry? I have had a girlfriend for the past two years. I thought this was the one that I was going to end up with; of course, bad shit had to happen.

I meet this girl from Georgia in one of my classes (man that southern accent is hot), I start thinking, man I'm 21 and I don't wanna be settled down yet...how did you guys know you were with "the one". Cause I am in a bind pretty bad. Thanks for any advice.


#2

It's funny because you'll just know. I knew that my wife was the one after a few months of dating. We just clicked. I can't explain it. We got along together fine, always had fun, and we understood each other. Plus after helping through my darkest hours of my life, I couldn't see being with anyone else. She was the first girl I fell in "love" with. I mean no hiding it, totally hooked, in love. Plus she reciprocated the feelings. So after dating all through college, moving in together, we got married after nearly eight years of being together. We've had our ups and downs, but a healthy relationship goes through this. In fact I knew I was going to marry her before she ever mentioned it. I guess after about three years of dating we toyed with the notion of marriage. The thing is, we never rushed it. We were happy just being together and waited until we could make it official. Three years later and we are closer than ever.


#3

Oh I forgot, I was 19 and she was 18 when we first got together.


#4

Yes there is no 'how did you know', you just know.

I met my fiancee in school and we started dating just after graduation. We've been together for almost four years now, and I proposed because I just knew that she was the one. I don't think you have felt it yet otherwise you would understand.

Yes southern accents are hot and yes the male imperitive is to place his sausage in every pretty hot dog bun available, but some things are just worth more.

You need to ask yourself if the juice is worth the squeeze.


#5

I was a kind of traveling salesman, walked into a bar at 5 in the afternoon to see if they had any cigars, saw my future wife behind the bar, and it was over for me. I only spent 3 or 4 minutes in there that day, and I didn't go back to the bar for two weeks. Didn't matter. I got home and told my friends that I found "her". Been married 6 1/2 years.


#6

I should have added that I had several long term (several years each) relationships before this, and although I told myself I was in love, deep down I knew I didn't want to marry them. It was completely different with my wife, and I'm the luckiest fool in the world.


#7

I'm begining to think that this is how it is with me... I just dont know how I break up with a girl I've been with for so long. Its not gonna be good. But I think I would know if it was supposed to be otherwise.


#8

I've heard the quote "It is not if you can think of being with this woman the rest of your life, it is if you think you cannot be with her."

Another thing to think about is you. Maybe you have the perfect girl, but if you aren't ready, marriage is not the right answer.

Don't get caught in the trap 'Well, we've been together xxx years, so marriage is the next step."

And yeah, you just know. I knew my wife was an angel our first date, I knew she was the one without a doubt after two months. So maybe if two years go by and you still aren't sure, then it is not the time.
Good Luck


#9

In my case, I tried to figure out what it was I "needed" in a wife. I realized that she had to be someone I respected so much (not just liked/loved/lusted for) that I was willing to let HER desires outweigh mine at times; I had to be willing to subvert my own wishes for hers, because making her happy would be that important to me.

Well (here's where it gets weird), I saw a friend from college at a wedding (she was a bridesmaid), and during the ceremony I looked at her across the church and went "Ohmygod! That's the person I want to spend my life with!" Engaged days later, married a year later; married for 19 years as of July.


I have a friend in his 20s who was just at a tradeshow a few months ago. He's been doing tradeshows for a few years, and he's accustomed to having females flirt with him. This time, the flirting was still happening, but he realized that he wasn't interested in that game anymore. He went home from the tradeshow and proposed to the girl he'd been seeing for the past 3-4 years. He realized that, if other women were no longer a temptation, then the girlfriend must be the one.


I also know stories (my grandfather, an ex-colleague) where he looked at her for the first time and said "She's the one!" and it all worked out!


It's an unpredictable phenomenon. But way cool when it happens.


#10

You aren't in a bind. A bind would be if you cheated. You got lucky and found out before you made a HUGE mistake that she is not the one. Dump her and move on. If your goal is to eventually be married you shouldn't waste time with people who don't fit the bill. It is hard to find the one, but very easy to see this girl is not her.


#11

Love at first site brotha.. We met in July, I proposed in November and we where married the following August. From the first time I met her I knew she was the one. I can't explain it any other way. We truely are best freinds now and I can't imagine a day without her.

Hope that helps. I often question my friends who have dated for years, if your soul mates I don't know how you could or why you would, wait that long.

Hope that helps. I think you both also need to reach a certain level of maturity and be at the same stage of life.


#12

I should add I was 23, she was 21 and this past summer was 4 years married.

If your questioning your current girl then it is not right, end it now and save you both the added hurt.. What ever you do don't become a cheater..


#13

Do not relive my life. It is not worth it. I think that not having a girlfriend and dealing with all of the "what's wrong with you, what about so and so, are you a meat-gazer" orientATed questions is better than the bullsh!t you are getting in to. Not that I know anyhthing about that.

What I really think: you are in college, so act like it.

I had a girlfriend all through college, and in hindsight it ranks in my top 3 most idiotic life decisions.

Bastard


#14

If you have to ask, then she's not "the one".


#15

Tshaw, very cool story.

I hate to further that cliche but yeah, you just know it when it happens...I was getting close to my 30's...actually 27...By that time I had lived with 3 different women, (at different times of course) been through the bar scene and had fun in college, yada yada...I was beginning to think I had severe commitment issues and that I would never get married. Then I meet this girl..we go out on three dates and then call it off...a year later we get back together...I proposed 5 months into it and the rest is history.


#16

You know she is the one when you are still bumping uglies on your 50th wedding anniversary.

Good luck man.


#17

Honestly, is it just that you want to get your dick rubbed? I mean cmon Samson, if its cause of eye candy you're stupid (Samson ended up getting his eyes stabbed out cause he couldnt say no to a pretty face). If you're worried cause this girl is prettier than yours, get over it man. No girl can live up to your fantasy ideals. She won't have a 20" waist forever. There are always going to be prettier girls. You just gotta know when to let go of wanting miss playboy perfection.

If you got a great girl, keep her. Else dump her.
-T


#18

My father proposed to my mother on either their first or second date.

I suppose it depends on the type of personality you have; my father has always been a person who is very sure of who he is and what he's about. I can't make that claim, and I can't imagine seeing a girl and thinking "man, she's the one!"

Plus, how much would it suck to make that kind of positive statement, and then get shot down, find out she's a moron, or whatever?

Doogie: how did you end up approaching her?


#19

Heh if it was that cut and dry I'd know. No, its never really about that for me, hooking up with other girls and that temptation. I'm always at the bars, but not to pick up chicks, its not my style. I always just tend to have a girlfriend, or get involved with one, and just roll with it till it ends. I'm not the random drunken hookup guy.

I'm just trying to disseminate my feelings about my girl, and this other girl is more or less symbolic of freedom from being tied down. I didn't plan on marrying my girl tomorow, but like one of the guys said, you tend to think sometimes of the next step. I appreciate the info fellas. And yea, it'd be alot worse if I cheated. That s what Im trying to avoid.


#20

I got married and divorced so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Stop thinking about if she is the one. Really. If you go through the relationship with no expectations of the future, you are free. Your mind can only fuck it up.

I was a soldier when I met my wife. I got married and had life all planned out. Then I got my first call to combat, then the second, etc. Life is not ever going to be as you plan. I changed, she changed, we fought. Eventually we realized that we were living on expectations of a false reality.

Enter my current common law. After separating from my wife I had no intention of anything involving a woman other than the moment in front of her. i.e. If I was in a conversation, it was all I focused on. There was no agenda, only the conversation. That went well. Then we got to see each other a few more times by blind luck and the conversation went well again. At the time I was hungry and asked if she wanted to go for dinner. The dinner was great, she started to behave like she was starting to fall for me.

I was totally honest with her and said that I like you, but I have no intention of anything beyond the moment. She asked what that meant. Simple, if we are into each other, fine. If in the next moment we are not, fine. If we are so into each other that we end up in bed together, fine. That is not a commitment and I never will commit to anything other than what my heart tells me in that moment. She didn't quite understand, which was fine.

We ended up in bed that night. Because of the honesty, there was no breakfast. There was no weird stuff at all actually. Over time (a few months) we ended up sleeping over a bit more and more. At one time I realized that I was no longer attracted to anyone else. No one. And I do get attention from hotties, not one of them attracted me anymore.

We are living together now and still have no expectations of the future. When the time comes that we have that need to have a family, we will get married then. To us, marriage is for family, nothing else. The funny thing is, we have been together for years and we don't have any expectations for each other still. We have an emotional and physical intimacy that cannot be described. Note the whole way through, we were bruuutally honest with each other. We have never said anything to attack the other during a fight. Hell, we haven't even really fought.

As for family, the itch is starting, and we both agree that we will know when we know. Maybe soon, maybe not.

The fact that you want southern girl tells me that you are not ready. Period. How do you know when you have the right one? Easy, when she places no demands on you, and you place none on her and you are deliriously in love. I mean no demands. If you both take the attitude that if I want something then I am 100% responsible for that want and I have no right to place any of that responsibility on my partner. Even dishes. If I want them done, I'll do them. If I am tired or unable to do them, I have a right to ask for help, just no right to expect it. She may say no, fine. If I have any anger in response to her saying no, for any reason, the anger is a result of my not accepting her. If I work on that, all is well.

After practising this for some time now, I can say that you soon realize when you are in need of a change. How? Easy, you get upset and you find that it is justified. If you really do have a lazy girlfriend that never cleans, never does dishes, never works, and it bothers you, you have the problem. After working on it, you accept her for who she is, then the problem is gone. The problem was your acceptance. Now, you can dump her lazy ass, but not with any negative emotions, just acceptance.

You are not ready to marry this girl or any other. Don't worry about that, worry about your own emotional maturity. When you are able to accept most anything without getting your buttons pushed, you will naturally be attracted to someone else who is ready.

Peace,
Rolo.