T Nation

How Can I Fart Bigger?

I’m read on this site about eating, squating, and benching bigger and while on my way to those I want to be the total package and be able to fart bigger as well. I’m living with some skank for the next 3 months who hates my guts and besides leaving shit skidmarks in the toilet and some pubic hairs on the sink, I think an ability to stink up the apartment for hours without mercy would really put it over the top. I’m looking to not only increase volume and density but pitch and frequency as well. I want to be able to blast ass so badly that not even a scented candle could combat my stink. I already eat alot of fiber and beans and will take any help I can get.

Some might say, a real bodybuilder wouldn’t even have to ask this question.

cabbage?

Cauliflower and or broccoli dude… I lifted the covers this morning… WHEW… was it rank!!! A couple of those ‘bombs’ and head for the nearest door…

ROFLMFAO! I’m in tears here…
Alright, (Assuming you’re serious) an effective way to conjure up some WMD-caliber farts (stench-wise) is coffee. Drink several cups of coffee and you’ll be needing a Hazmat suit within about a half hour.
Consider this, however: The effects of this on your cutting/bulking/whatever diet may be quite profound.

Professor X you made me laugh out loud this morning… Thanks!

Onion, garlic, and broccoli omelets, followed up by high-fiber oatmeal mixed with low-quality protein powder…

[Disclaimer: Don’t blame me if you either blow up or sh*t yourself]

Coffee eh? I drink about 4 a day… Did I mention that I polluted the interior of my car for at least a month once, baking one into the upholstery of the front seat…
The good perfesser has a point, at that time my diet was pretty clean, muscle food (lots of whey, fibre, cottage cheese, oatmeal, steak, chicken, tuna, fruits and veggies).
Hope this helps you with your dilemma…
Peace
Mike…

My worst farts have come from a very high protein diet. The build up of ammonia produced the most foul, stick to the walls farts I’ve ever had.

My recommendation would be to follow a 2 grams per pound of bodyweight of protein per day or higher, if your body can take it. Hopefully that should do the trick… if not then maybe your physique goals will be improved in the process.

Once while I was working in the vitaminn shoppe I ate an entire box of fiber fortified gummy-vites. For the next 4-5 hrs I had some of the most ridiculous gas ever. Not comfortable or appreciated while in a car with 4 other guys on a 2 hr road trip.

You will definitely want to go down to your local “sugar free” store and pick up some of those “no-carb” candies. The sugar-free marshmallows and chocolates seem to do the trick quite nicely. I guarantee you will be most impressed! If they reinstate the assault weapons ban, this crap will be on the list.

WARNING: I learned this the hard way, and it is a lesson I am only going to learn once! I pass it along for informational purposes only.

ten-four on the cabbage and especially the garlic. i’ve found that if it smells STRONG on the way in, it has much potential to smell WRONG on the way out. generally eat stinky stuff and lots of it. also recommended is an overload (3-5g/lbm) of whey protein and protein powders in general.

also, cycle stuff such that you get a slinky effect in your intestines. start by building IV (internal volume) for a few days in an accumulation phase - consume lot of stinky stuff like garlic, anchovies, onions, peppers, etc. then you enter the BP (baking phase) for a few days - switch to low volume mostly protein powders at this time. then go for UD (ultimate discharge) and eat lots of high fiber stuff (like the cabbage, beans) continued with lots of protein.

i urge you away from too much alcohol, as while sometimes the effects can be amazing, they are too unpredictable. alcohol too often leads to a waste of the previous efforts and ends in an RLUP (rapid liquid unloading phase). this could be advantageous as a going away present if you would like to repaint the bathroom walls.

BTW, i wish you much success. you have chosen an arduous but noble cause. why do you hate this bitch so much, and how did you get stuck with her for three months?

Bastard F*ck Guy

[quote]bandgeek wrote:
You will definitely want to go down to your local “sugar free” store and pick up some of those “no-carb” candies. The sugar-free marshmallows and chocolates seem to do the trick quite nicely. I guarantee you will be most impressed! If they reinstate the assault weapons ban, this crap will be on the list.

WARNING: I learned this the hard way, and it is a lesson I am only going to learn once! I pass it along for informational puposes only. [/quote]

Let me add another warning: if you get the chocolate the sugar alcohol they use is the same stuff the put into Ex-Lax, so the sugar-free chocolate is basically Ex-Lax in a nice wrapper.

Don’t really have much to add. Eating lots of garlic is definitely the way to go and it won’t mess up your diet like the cabbage and whatnot. High protein too, so eating steak with lots of garlic, besides being a very tasty meal, will have you stinkin’ up the place in short order.

BTW - Is there a reason why you must live with a skank who hates you?

I can’t believe this hasn’t been said yet. Polish yourself off a can of baked beans and you should be ready to go for the whole day. You will be amazed by how soon after eating you will start receiving a steady supply of fumes. Broccoli and cabbage may work as well but I don’t think that there effects are as immediate as the almighty bean.

[quote]erikeve wrote:
I can’t believe this hasn’t been said yet. Polish yourself off a can of baked beans and you should be ready to go for the whole day. You will be amazed by how soon after eating you will start receiving a steady supply of fumes. Broccoli and cabbage may work as well but I don’t think that there effects are as immediate as the almighty bean.[/quote]

It was not mentioned 'cause he had already said ‘I want to be able to blast ass so badly that not even a scented candle could combat my stink. I already eat alot of fiber and beans and will take any help I can get…’
We were merely adding to his ‘possible warchest’. I heartily agree about garlic too… I put it on all the meat I cook.
Good luck man…

As pathetic as it is that my first post is to a fart thread, I couldn’t resist. After wiping away tears of laughter, and one of those Hydryx workout towels would have come in handy for that, I felt compelled to add the following proven “pump gear”: hard boiled eggs and cabbage juice.

I can’t wait to read about the “outcome” of your endeavors. Good luck.

OK, here is an ultimate tip:

Lil Debbies Oatmeal Cream Cakes (or something like that)

basically, they are two oatmeal cookies with some kind of cream in the middle, but it will make you fart, and fart loud and stinky like nothing else I have ever encoutered.

When I lived in the dorms a roomate brought some home, and we had to evacuate an hour or so later. No one would believe us when we attempted to dicribe the stench, so a couple weeks later we brought another box to a party. The results were pretty spectacular.

Lots of protein and fat (eggs, tuna, red meat, Low-Carb Grow!, etc.) for content and quality. Plenty of fiber (brocolli, cabbage, beans, etc.) for propellant.

Garlic and other aromatics for added fragrance.

Make a big pot of black beans. Then mash 'em like refried beans. Then eat a bunch of boiled cabbage. And for dessert, a couple of slimjims.

Hey, thanks guys - after having a pretty shitty workweek, I just lmao! Thank you, I needed that! :slight_smile:

As to the topic of the thread: I have nothing to add, as I seem to walk among true masters here. :wink:

Makkun