T Nation

Holiday Eating Tips

  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
    table
    knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
    leave
    immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
    scotch,
    it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
    can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
    that it has
    10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into
    an
    eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
    Have two.
    It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy.
    Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
    mashed
    potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or
    whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car
    with an automatic transmission.

  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
    your
    eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
    people’s
    food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
    Year’s.
    You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
    time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table
    while
    carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

  7. If you come across something really good at a Buffet Table, like
    frosted
    Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
    near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
    center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you
    leave them
    behind, you’re never going to see them again.

  8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
    if
    you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
    three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
    mandatory
    celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
    standards.

  10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party
    or
    get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips;
    start
    over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the
grave with
the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but
rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a
ride!”

Derek, that is soooo funny. You are very smart and good looking. I wish I was more like you in every way. I’d like to meet you sometime, you’re the GREATEST! Thanks for being you!

Excellent! Although I am going to disagree with #6 because I will not stop training, it is what I do.

Your list is missing something that is crucial to the 2 months of gluttony and sloth that is the holidays: DRINK HEAVILY! How could you leave that out. Nothing takes away the awkwardness and discomfort of being around family hat you hate and freinds who annoy the beejezus out of you more than a few cocktails…six should be right. AT that number everything is great your family seems normal and your to numb to care that your second cousin’s 3 year old won’t stop with all the fucking crying because he can’t open GODDAMN PRESENTS UNTIL LATER. HAVE A COOKIE AND SHUT THE HELL UP KID. As you can probably tell most fo the calories i consume over the holidays are in liquid form and the give me more comfort than any amount of cookies or cakes can. HAPPY HOLIDAYS MOTHER FUCKERS!