T Nation

Hired Goons


Whenever I watch an action movie, it usually involves a mastermind bad guy who has hired goons do his bidding.

Where could I get such hired goons?

Thank you in advance for your help in this matter.


A mastermind finds his own goons.


If you don’t know where to look you shouldn’t be trying to get em


I’ve always heard to look in the back of a Guns and Ammo magazine. Could always try craigslist too.


This is probably true. But then again maybe every bad guy DID have to ask around. And that’s how he learned.

[quote]Airtruth wrote:
If you don’t know where to look you shouldn’t be trying to get em[/quote]


I heard they used to have adds in Soldier of Fortune magazine. The last issue I checked out, however, did not.

I think your best bet would be to make connections with other local Master Minds, Evil Geniuses, etc, so you can check references and such. I would say quality over quantity, you want don’t end up with a giant cluster fuck like at the end of Scarface where he wasted 30-40 goons by himself. Those boys must have been local.


You could always hire me? I’m ARMY, trained on numerous weapons, and I’ll work for 30,000 a year.


You seriously want to hire goons from the SAME place that everyone else hires them? They suck!

You need to use less conventional methods of acquiring goons. Or less conventional methods of using them, I suggest PCP before shootouts.


how about all those high school football players in Texas who lose scholarships due to injury and watch their dreams slip away. Fix 'em up and they’ll be grateful!


I’ve always wondered this. In the movies not only do the villains have dozens or even hundreds of henchmen-- anyone can just hire tons of degenerates-- but they actually seem to be fairly loyal, disciplined and they don’t leak information no matter how evil the plot.


I would turn to retired high ranking military officers or secret service guys for help, the kind of guys who start mercenary companies.


First you have to have an inner circle. People that are as nefariously bent on schemes as you are, that you have founded the operation with(but are still entirely answerable to you). Then you need a demonstration of power/control over some situation. A robo-pope or holding the moon ransom should do the trick. Once you have demonstrated competency and progressive attitude, the goons will come to you.

From there you enact a zero-tolerance policy over even the slightest infractions, but you provide generously for your goons, foosball tables and hookers are a good start, but comfortable uniforms and private bathrooms are oft overlooked amenities that will secure your dominion.


Excellent stuff.

That’s a shame about Soldier of Fortune.

gatesoftanhauser, I’ll keep that in mind - but it’ll be $25,000 and all the Biotest supplements you want.

I probably should avoid going the standard route of acquiring goons, since they never seem to get the job done right. But then again it’s usually because of a random hero. For instance in Die Hard With a Vengeance the goons pulled off a complicated (one might say impossible) plan perfectly except when John McClane interfered.

Invalid football players might be an option for low-level guys - they’re young and impressionable.

etaco you bring up a good point wrt loyalty but I think Malevolence has the right answer - demonstrate your power and they’ll come to you. Then it’s just a matter of keeping them in line like you would a pet dog.

Using retired high ranking military officers or secret service guys for help and guys who start mercenary companies sounds like a good idea for higher level goons. In fact they’ll probably be better at handling the lower level goons then me. Which means less micromanaging.

Again, excellent work…mwa ha ha ha haaa…


Set up a ‘henchmen’ booth at career day!


[quote]Molotov_Coktease wrote:
Set up a ‘henchmen’ booth at career day![/quote]



You gotta build up your clout first man. If nobody respects what makes you think they wont try to rob you ?


I guess my point was that you need people who don’t have any moral or ethical standards but who also don’t have any problems with authority. That rules out petty criminals and gang members but suggests experienced mercenaries-- first timers might have second thoughts if they’ve never gotten their hands dirty-- but they will likely be expensive and reletively few in number, especially if they’re passable as Americans. They would probably make a good core of specialists.

So that leaves the question of where the cheapest and stupidest underlings come from. Fear and discipline will be of limited value in transforming someone who hates authority, especially if they’re under payed. You really need people who believe in your cause with such faith that they think they’re doing god’s mission when the build the robo-pope or destroy Washington DC. In other words you need to start a cult.


Hey etaco sounds like your an old wise vet in the game. Tell me this, has a goon ever laid down one of your family members you smug cock-sucker ?


right here, PM me


-You could ask the local mob, but then you would owe him and that never ends well.

-Blackwater needs some business these days.