This was posted on a facebook group:
This this was all under the recent updates:
[quote]If I catch you making fun of me without joining this group. I’ll make you into a delicious healthy stew. Membership has its privileges.
1/3/08 - Today, I stared a plate of pigs-in-a-blanket in the face for about 20 minutes. It was touch and go there for a while, but I walked away. Baby steps!
1/4/08 - As a test of will power, I made my kids eat ice cream in front of me.
1/5/08 - Today, I purchased celery.
1/6/08 - I miss Egg McMuffins!
1/7/08 - First day of winter session. I walk into a room that’s clearly too small for the class. I say “How do they expect us all to fit in here?” Brandon Toro-Segarra (Group Member #49) retorts,“How do they expect YOU to fit in here?!” Pure poetry.
1/8/08 - Today, I stopped eating when I felt full for the first time in 8 years. It’s a novel concept.
1/9/08 - At Circuit City, an employee comes running up behind me to tell me that, “We don’t sell salads, sir. That’s down the street.” Turned out to be Ian Malowitz, Group Member #73. Kudos!
1/10/08 - I went inside a Burger King today, and didn’t
order anything. It hurt just a shade less than my 2 year old son telling the fry cook that “Daddy on diet.” Daddy on diet, indeed.
1/11/08 - Words that have been used to describe me so far: corpulent, Fatty McFatterson, Fatty McGee, Slop Gut, Human Patty Melt, Lard Bag, Fattie of the Week, Thunder Thighs, Lardo, Fatzilla, Blimp, Jack Osbourne, male hippo, obese bastard.
1/12/08 - I’m convinced that the ham on Ruby Tuesday’s salad bar is really elf meat.
1/13/08 - We had a party today, and I spent a good part of it avoiding pizza like I banged its wife.
1/14/08 - Is cheese fattening?
1/15/08 - It’s hard not eating things for no reason other than “it was within arms reach.”
1/16/08 - This experiment is paying off in so many ways. I’m not eating after 7pm anymore which means there are approximately 30 more bags of Doritos on the shelves so far this month for everyone to enjoy. You’re welcome.
1/17/08 - No matter how long this goes on for, I will never eat at Subway. That’s a promise from me to you.
1/18/08 - I just realized today that the word “belittle” takes on a double meaning for this group. When you belittle me, you make me be little. Sweet.
1/19/08 - I’m not sure if screaming down strangers at Barnes & Noble is a healthy alternative to double fisting Kit-Kats.
1/20/08 - Check out my 2007 fast food stats below. Staggering.
1/21/08 - Being healthy is so expensive. I just spent $10 on apples. Do you know how many Twinkies I can get for ten bucks? Enough to keep me immobile for several hours.
1/22/08 - Today was my son’s 8th birthday, so needless to say, we had cake and a spanking machine. You know you’re fat when your 8 year old son looks at you with encompassing disappointment as you reach for a piece of his birthday cake, and he says, “Dad, do you really want to eat that cake?”
1/23/08 - Melissa Brown, Group Member #60, has taken to calling me Jumbo… a name that I’m hoping sticks with me when all this is over.
1/24/08 - I’m spending most of my time trying to figure out which parts of my body are getting smaller. When you’re this big, it’s hard to tell until you get about 50 pounds in. FYI: It’s not my breasts.
CHECK OUT THE NEW DISCUSSION TOPIC I JUST POSTED. IT SHOULD BE PRETTY SWEET.
1/25/08 - I ate an apple the size of a baby’s head today. I’m not even sure if that’s good or not.
1/26/08 - I made Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for my 2 year old son, Cash, tonight. When he asked for seconds, I obliged. When he asked for thirds, I hesitated, then obliged. When he asked for fourths, I wondered if giving him another heaping scoop would qualify as “good parenting,” then obliged. When he asked for fifths, and ultimately, the whole box, I just wanted to see if he could do it.
1/27/08 - It sucks going into a grocery store knowing that entire aisles are off limits.
1/28/08 - To me, “indulging” now means: using regular salad dressing.
1/29/08 - It was my first day back at school since the inception of this group, and I got more compliments than insults. Let’s go people! I’m one “hey, you look good,” away from a complete relapse.
1/30/08 - When I reach my goal… will my stretch marks be gone too?
1/31/08 - One month down, and I’m still alive!
2/1/08 - My parents came down for the weekend, and my Dad reminded me of what I’m up against, genetically.
2/2/08 - Nothing takes the edge off a diet like a shouting match with your Dad that ends with him calling you a “piece of work.” Either that, or smelling empty pizza boxes.
2/3/08 - The Giants win should keep me full for weeks… and none of that nasty gas either!
2/4/08 - I like wearing spandex instead of underwear.
2/5/08 - I can’t drive down the Vestal Parkway with my windows open. The smells that waft in are too powerful… except Moe’s and IHOP are too close together. Pancakes and Burritos should never be co-mingling.
2/6/08 - Does Hostess make a healthy Twinkie? Like whole grain, or some shit?
2/7/08 - Today, I took the stairs when an elevator was readily available. It was only one floor, but what the hell do you want from me?
2/8/08 - Well there’s a first for everything. I went out to dinner with my family tonight, and ordered fish not served on a bun.
2/9/08 - Remember that fish I had last night? Yeah, well so does my colon.
2/10/08 - There’s nothing healthy that’s good on everything. But there’s plenty of shitty things good on everything: cheese, gravy, butter, chocolate, Pop-Tarts.
2/11/08 - 28 pounds, and my thighs still rub together. How did I let it come to this?
2/12/08 - It’s times like these that I realize just how much Snickers really did satisfy.
2/13/08 - Snow days are the worst because all I can think about all day is how much I’m NOT eating.
2/14/08 - Turns out, broccoli gives me crippling gas.
2/15/08 - Where there’s a will… there’s a vegetable.
2/16/08 - I smelled Burger King for the first time in over a month, and my knees buckled. It was like kryptonite.
2/17/08 - Is anyone reading these things?
2/18/08 - What if I just have sex with a Whopper? That’s OK, right? As long as I don’t eat it?
2/19/08 - I was on campus from 8:30am to 7:30pm today. No, I’m not bragging. My 8 year old son, Mason called me around 7pm. Did he miss his Dad? Did he wonder what I’d been doing all day? Was he eager to tell me what he did all day? No. He gets on the phone and immediately asks me what I had for dinner, and tells me not to drive by Burger King on the way home. Cute? No, diabolical.
2/20/08 - My wife and kids are in Florida for the week. If there’s a wagon for me to fall off of, this would be the time.
2/21/08 - Did you know it’s hunger “pangs,” not hunger “pains?”
2/22/08 - Is there a french fry diet? Someone should be working on that.
2/23/08 - I once ate ice cream with sausage.
2/24/08 - Have they developed a prosthetic stomach yet?
2/25/08 - I went to lunch with one of my college bros today. A bro as burly, hairy, and prone to binging on soft serve as I am. I think the waitress shit her pants a little when we both ordered salads and water. Then she probably thought we went to make out in my car.
2/26/08 - Ali Garfinkel came up to me after class and said, “I know you’re only growing that beard to hide your double chin.” Ouch.
2/27/08 - It sucks that your body doesn’t realize what you don’t eat.
2/28/08 - Every Thursday my son in 2nd grade has to put his weekly spelling words into sentences. This week “large” was one of his words, and I quote: “My Dad is very large.” Had he used an exclamation point, I would have cried.
2/29/08 - Thanks, guy who invented Leap Year, for an extra day of me psychologically battling a chick parm sub.
3/1/08 - 2 months down, and I’m almost halfway there. I was 242 this morning. Give yourselves a pat on the back.
3/2/08 - I went to see Semi-Pro tonight… by myself… and it was all I could do to keep from scraping M&M’s off the floor.
3/3/08 - Is it ironic that my best friend prepares and shoots all the food for Taco Bell commercials?
3/4/08 - Coming out of the radio station this evening, I was met by Alisa Selman, who, recoiling in terror, exclaimed, “Oh thank God! I thought an animal escaped from the zoo, but it’s just you.”
3/5/08 - In this venture, I have replaced ice cream with pickles. Let the pregnant jokes commence.
3/6/08 - Upon hearing that I am now down 2 belt loops, Aaron Gold smugly replied, “Awesome! Only 16 more to go!” Good thing humble pie doesn’t make you fat.
3/7/08 - If someone offered me a pill that I could take right now and lose as much weight as I wanted to, immediately… I wouldn’t take it. That’s how much joy I get out of this group.
3/8/08 - My only regret in this venture is that I didn’t make it to 300 lbs. by the end of last year. Oh, how I tried.
3/9/08 - I don’t know if I’m healthier, but I know I’m working my way toward “slender.”
3/10/08 - I’m not opposed to the nickname “Rhino,” regardless of my weight.
3/11/08 - Tuesdays are rough, and not just because I have to hang out with this old dude, Morrie, but because I have to walk by the Taco Bell in the Union. Last semester, I ate 2 Crunchwraps and Nachos Bell Grande for lunch 3 days a week. Good times. Heart attack inducing times, but good times, nonetheless.
3/12/08 - There needs to be a law against pizza commercials. They’re far too intoxicating.
3/13/08 - My Dad (an alcoholic) doesn’t understand how I can, all of a sudden, just drop all my bad eating habits without a relapse. The only way I was able to get through to him was by telling him, “Food is my Booze.” Then I thought that would make a sweet T-shirt.
3/14/08 - I’m going through Velveeta withdrawal. I used to eat that shit with a fork.
3/15/08 - The gap between ice cream and fro-yo is most accurately described as “gaping.”
3/16/08 - We just got a new little Basset Hound puppy, and I keep wondering what it would taste like with a little BBQ sauce.
3/17/08 - I was 235 today. I’m starting to wonder what I’m going to do with myself once I get to 200. I’m now closer to that than I am to where I started. I’ll probably just be shirtless a lot more. You’re welcome!
3/18/08 - What will become of my humps?
3/19/08 - I’m almost embarrassed to say this, but I’m going to be one of those people who brings his own food to DisneyWorld.
3/20/08 - We’re off to Florida tomorrow, wish me luck avoiding the fried food traps that lurk around every corner at Disney.
3/21/08 - Sorry about my delinquency. I’m at the place where dreams come true… unless that dream is to update your fat group regularly.
3/22/08 - They have soft pretzels filled with cream cheese here. I die a little inside when I walk by.
3/23/08 - Buffets are so bittersweet. Bitter: I can’t eat 90% of what they offer. Sweet: they usually have fruit and salad. I guess that’s not very sweet, after all. It’s more “bitterlame.”
3/24/08 - This is one of the few places where you can get a whole turkey leg, walk 5 steps, and get ice cream.
3/25/08 - I saw an Amish family at Disney today. I know that has nothing to do with food, but it really creeped me out.
3/26/08 - People just shouldn’t eat chocolate covered frozen bananas… as a rule.
3/27/08 - I might name my next child “Jelly.”
3/28/08 - Flying home today, I hardly ate anything. But when I reached over to grab a mini-Dorito out of my son’s bag, that didn’t stop him from saying “Dad, you know you’re eating junk food, right now?” Yes son, and I thought I had made my peace with that since we’re 30,000 in the air.
3/29/08 - I was looking forward to getting back to my routine, when I realized that my routine pretty much blows.
3/30/08 - I can’t believe vegetarians exist.
3/31/08 - There needs to be fat scientists working on a fat free cheeseburger. I think that’s the problem with “lite” food, skinny people are making it. Lock a couple fat guys in a room with some beakers and a Bunsen burner, and watch them produce the world’s first fat free french fry that doesn’t taste like a shoe horn.
4/1/08 - 230. Three months. 50 pounds. 200, here I come.
4/2/08 - This malaria I seem to have contracted should help my results.
4/3/08 - I’m literally wasting away, so for the first time in over 10 years my grandmother will not be lying when she says it to me.
4/4/08 - I almost went into shock today on the scale when the second of the three numbers staring back at me was a 2. 52 lbs. MoFos!
4/5/08 - Today I’m 225?! If I keep this up, I’ll hit my goal (200) by the end of the semester. If I do that, I’ll teach my last day of classes shirtless.
4/6/08 - Nice weather makes me want to eat hot dogs.
4/7/08 - Waking up makes me want to eat hot dogs.
4/8/08 - Come out to Lecture Hall One tomorrow (Wednesday the 9th) at 7pm and see my progress for yourself. You’ve earned it?
4/9/08 - I performed “Diet! The Musical” tonight for the first time, to hilarious reviews. This whole experience has me singing.
4/10/08 - I used to celebrate at Denny’s with the smothered and covered fries and nachos, but last night, I celebrated with nothing and water.
4/11/08 - My son actually said I looked skinny today. He’s been my harshest critic, and I’m finally convincing him I can do it. The $5 probably helped.
4/12/08 - My ass is starting to feel like a couple half deflated balloons.
4/13/08 - If you never listen to another word I say, listen to this… go buy 17 boxes of the Town House Flip Sides/Half Pretzel, Half Cracker. More like Half Pretzel, Half Crack.
4/14/08 - My wife bought me an iPod Touch today, for my dedication and progress. I’m filling it with Richard Simmons inspirational diet slogans.
4/15/08 - I realize it’s getting increasingly difficult to bust my fat ass, since I’m completely dominating this motherfucker, but I still need the abuse to keep me in check. Bill Sebelle came to my office hours today (something not enough of you do) and said “you look thin… and by “thin” I mean grotesquely and morbidly obese!” That’s keepin’ it real. Thanks Bill. I puked up my lunch just for you.
4/16/08 - I played softball tonight, marking the first time I’ve exercised in approximately 5 years. I was pleased. It’s not so bad when you’re no longer carrying around the equivalent of a fat orphan.
4/17/08 - Going to the B Mets game tomorrow. My first trip to a ballpark since the diet. There’s no place on earth that I associate more with food than a ballpark… except restaurants.
4/18/08 - I’m down to my last 20 pounds. Any suggestions on how to shed these, the most stubborn of all the pounds?
4/19/08 - I’ve taken to wrapping things in tortillas: turkey, roast beef, Ding Dongs (I wish).
4/20/08 - I think I’m going to buy Mitch Gaylord’s “3DayMelt” workout system. You get a mini-basketball, and I’m sure Mitch could use the money to finally move out of the bus station.
4/21/08 - There should be a law against the smell of cookies.
4/22/08 - If calories were people, I’d be lonely… oh so lonely.
4/23/08 - I’m going to try EverCleanse in the hopes of divorcing several pounds of impacted feces from my overworked colon. That’s all gravy… in the figrative sense of the word.
4/24/08 - The true test of this diet is, “how late can I stay up without passing out due to lack of food.” I can make it to 8 on the good days.
4/25/08 - They had $1 nachos from Moe’s tonight, and I didn’t even have one chip. I told the guy next to me that I’d pay for his if he let me smell them for a few minutes… he said no.
4/26/08 - Even my farts smell different now.
4/27/08 - I don’t like the way my farts smell.
4/28/08 - People keep telling me I should write a diet book, but after “don’t be fat anymore,” I’m not sure what I could say.
4/29/08 - I want to build a house made out of Cookie Crisp, then have it rain milk and eat it, garage and all.
4/30/08 - My diet has become: wrapping various things in a tortilla.
5/1/08 - Take a look at my work-out video posted below. It’s sweeping the nation.
5/2/08 - When I get to 200, my wife will carry another baby for me. Sweet incentive.
5/3/08 - I’m also getting a new tattoo when this is all over. Any suggestions?
5/4/08 - I had to “dress up” for my son’s first communion yesterday, which means breaking out the dress shorts. The last time I put them on, I was huge. They have a 42 inch waist. I actually had to dig around the basement to find my old dress shorts, size 34. That’s what I’m talkin’ 'bout!
5/5/08 - I’m comfortably wearing t-shirts I haven’t worn in 6 years.
5/6/08 - I can’t eat any more hummus. I just can’t.
5/7/08 - It’s almost “buy a whole new wardrobe” time. I’m that much thinner. Suck it!
5/8/08 - Had doughnuts and pizza in classes today without taking a single bite. It would have taken 4 grown men to pull the old me off of those boxes last semester.
5/9/08 - In the interest of losing these last few pounds, we turned our pool house into a home gym, and I named it Hardbodies. I ordered a full sized pink and red neon sign that reads “Hardbodies: Pump it hard and go home winded” with a flexing arm and bicep. We are officially open for business.
5/10/08 - Went out to dinner at Moxie’s tonight. Ordered a $70 Kobe beef steak. Came to the realization that the only piece of meat worth $70 is my own ass. Burn!
5/11/08 - We went to brunch for Mother’s Day today. It was my first buffet experience since this all started. I only had to excuse myself to the bathroom 3 times to cry alone in the stall.
5/12/08 - For some reason I couldn’t stop singing the Lucky Charms jingle today. If only there was a “leafy vegetables” marshmallow.
5/13/08 - Today was a day for hot dogs. I would have blown a rhino for a hot dog.
5/14/08 - I took some allergy medicine that had me passed out at 7pm. You can’t eat when you’re passed out. That’s why all the good drunks are usually so slender.
5/15/08 - My wife proposed a “family walk” this evening, and request which I swiftly declined, to which my son retorted, “Dad, you’ll never lose the weight if you don’t walk.” Dammit, now I have to prove him wrong.
5/16/08 - Eating is awesome.
5/17/08 - According to statistics that I made up for this post, my hot dog consumption is already down 134% as compared to this time last year, and my annual averages.
5/18/08 - I might talk too much about hot dogs.
5/19/08 - Has anyone actually eaten a rice cake, and lived?
5/20/08 - I won’t eat until the Yankees win a fucking game. It seems I’ll hit my goal very soon.
5/21/08 - Thank God ketchup is relatively harmless, only now, I can’t eat anything one normally puts ketchup on. It’s facts like this that should be in Alanis Morrisette songs.
5/22/08 - What’s the toughest season for dieters?
5/27/08 - Alright, I’ve been slacking. But I assure you I’m still plugging away at these last 10 pounds. I may even start exercising.
5/29/08 - I guess I should start exercising, or something. I will start by wrestling all the kids in my son’s 2nd grade class, and work upward to anyone at Ponderosa on Wednesday nights.
5/31/08 - I’ve started weighing my shits in the morning, and no, I don’t just shit on the scale and see the results. I weigh myself, take a dump, and weigh my self again, subtracting the difference. Last week I had a 3 pounder. Gorgeous!
6/1/08 - Food just tastes better in the summer… or so I hear.
6/2/08 - Watching Arena Football without a couple bags of Combos is like drinking non-alcoholic beer… what’s the point?
6/3/08 - I miss eating Stove Top straight out of the pot.
6/4/08 - I hate female celebrities, who, when asked how they stay in shape, respond with: I just chase my kids around all day. I have 3 kids and I’ve never been in a situation where chasing them was warranted, let alone enough chasing situations to burn off the box of Eggo’s I ate for breakfast.
6/5/08 - I took my 8 year old to TGI Friday’s for dinner, and watched him unleash his powers all over the kids menu: mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, some nachos, fries, and a brownie/ice cream dessert combo. It made me wish “he’s a growing boy,” was still a feasible excuse for my overeating.
6/7/08 - I ran today.
6/8/08 - Since I ran yesterday, I didn’t feel guilty about having ice cream at the Yankee game today. I also didn’t strangle the vendor and eat all his wares, which is a good sign.
6/9/08 - I’M FUCKING STUCK AT 208!!
6/11/08 - I never really thought about how worthy Sloppy Joe’s are of their name.
6/12/08 - A slice of pizza talked to me today, and I answered him (I named it Derek) as if he was an old friend.
6/13/08 - If I could only eat one thing, everyday, for the rest of my life… it would be fish sticks.
6/14/08 - I CAN believe it’s not butter.
6/16/08 - Played some hardcore hoops today, and in the words of John Cougar Mellancamp Mellan Cougarcamp: it hurts so good.
6/17/08 - Basketball hurts.
6/18/08 - I fell asleep at 6pm last night.
6/19/08 - Now basketballs are hitting me in the face at high speeds, making me contemplate wearing an eye patch.
6/20/08 - There’s just nothing you can do about ice cream in the summer. It’s relentless. Ice cream hid in the bushes then jumped out in front of my car this morning. I had to swerve to miss it, and almost hit an ice cream sandwich rollerblading.
6/21/08 - I’m not sure how many more pool parties I can get through without completely eating my way out of a vat of potato salad.
6/22/08 - I never used to get hurt, but all this “activity” really puts you in harms way. What the fuck?
6/24/08 - It’s hard to be healthy when you’re in one position for 36 hours.
6/25/08 - I moved today.
6/26/08 - I’m still trying to find my summer food rhythm. During the semester, it was easy, regimented. Now, everyday’s a free-for-all.
6/27/08 - Those new Wendy’s Frosty blend things look scrumptious.
6/28/08 - What’s the verdict on those fucking lime tortilla chips? They’re weak, right?
6/29/08 - Where’s the beef?
6/30/08 - We’re heading to LA tomorrow. It will be tough to avoid In and Out Burger.
July 2008 - The lost month. If I knew what a month long heroin binge was like, I’d surely compare July to that with extreme detail… only instead of vomiting and making out with homeless trannies, I’d describe a slow mental descent into “deserving” that Tendercrisp sandwich. I now know that I don’t “deserve” anything but a harsh tongue lashing from all of you to keep me in line. Did most of you go soft when I got close? Probably. Am I going to use that as a scapegoat, no. The fat Vaughan would in a second… then he’d guilt you into giving him a ride to Wendy’s. Skinny Vaughan will only get stronger and skinnier with your help. I’m back, and I love you all.
7/29/08 - I’m left wondering if being thin will make me happy enough to forget about how horrible it is getting thin.
7/30/08 - I need a regimen. Anyone got a regimen? A strict, day-to-day diet and exercise regimen that I can implement and follow? Seriously, I need someone to tell me exactly what to do. It cannot involve tofu. That’s my one caveat.
7/31/08 - Bought a panini maker yesterday. I’d eat someone’s foot hot off one of those.
8/1/08 - I’m going hardcore this month. I set up an obstacle course in my backyard and I’m running it full speed against my kids everyday for an hour.
8/2/08 - Do people still use medicine balls? Or just ball medicine? Hahahaha
8/3/08 - We went to the Yankee game today, and I only had one hot dog… in the first inning!
8/4/08 - I’ll be 35 in 4 days. I might have to have some cake.
8/5/08 - Went golfing today, and for a “sport” that ranks just above cutting your toenails on the rigorous exercise chart, I’m fucking exhausted.
8/6/08 - The best way to avoid eating is sleeping. I’ve started going to bed at the first sign of hunger.
8/7/08 - Tomorrow’s my birthday. I’m having cake and ice cream. Suck it.
8/8/08 - The outpouring of well wishes on this, the 35th anniversary of my birth, has invigorated my spirit, my will, and my perspective. Thank you, and I’ll see you at 200!
8/9/08 - Men will fear me. Women will adore me. Children will suckle at my teat. Teenagers will think I’m cool because I have an XBox. The elderly will ask if it’s hot enough for me.
8/10/08 - It starts again. Tomorrow. 7am. I get my abs back.
8/11/08 - First day of 2-A-Days: ran The Gauntlet at 7am, swam 20 laps at 7pm. Threw up at about 8:30am. Either I’m working really hard, or there’s something physically wrong with me.
8/12/08 - All the Michael Phelps talk got me amped to do some laps in the pool today. I think I can take him.
8/13/08 - This is 3 days in a row that I’ve gotten up at 7am to work out. I haven’t done that since they used to air George of the Jungle at 6am on the Canadian channel. It was the 70’s.
8/14/08 - Tomorrow is Mary and my 10th wedding anniversary. It’s a blessed miracle she’s dealt with my fat ass for that long.
8/15/08 - It was ten years ago today that I made that commitment. And I’m sorry to say that it’s over. This entire group has been an effort to divorce myself from the commitment I made to being a gargantuan, lazy lardass. This summer has been like fucking your ex-wife in the middle of the divorce because: A) you’re bored B) she’s still kinda hot C) you’ve shared so much over the years, it’s hard to let go… only in this scenario I’m trying to divorce myself from Denny’s Moons Over My Hammy, and she’s a cold hearted bitch. But with the summer’s end fast approaching and only 20 pounds to go, I feel the papers are close to being finalized on this love/hate relationship, and I shouldn’t have to spend another Holiday season with my hidden stores of girth or my multiple chins. They can move on to fatter pastures. Sure, I might see them at parties or family gatherings, but only to make them jealous by eating carrots right in their faces.
Now is the time in the movie when the Natalie Merchant song would begin and I’d be dancing hand in hand through a meadow with a cannister of whey powder. It’s only a matter of time.
8/16/08 - I don’t think I can use my panini press anymore. I’ve never made one without at least 3 different meats.
8/17/08 - Started a new group to help expedite and facilitate this process. You can check out “Dr. Vaughan’s Tri-Weekly Pick-Up Game & Mixer” to see what it’s all about.
8/18/08 - I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s getting even more astounding. Since I started this group, both the Arby’s and the Quizno’s I used to frequent have closed their doors for business. And by “frequent” I mean “eat at at least 5 times a week combined.”
8/19/08 - With my basketball time thwarted today, any other man would have been shaken, retreating ti a Chinese buffet to drown his sorrows. But not this guy. I went home and drowned my sorrows in an oatmeal smoothie.
8/20/08 - If nothing else, at least I’m not big enough to be on “The Biggest Loser.” Unless it’s a show about actual “losers.”
8/21/08 - If the Burger King closes by my house, I might start to feel bad.
8/22/08 - I’m back home. Not my home, but my parents home, where I grew up. I know what one of my problems is, my Mom cooks like a witch. Not like a witch in that she makes potions with rat tails and mouse dicks, but like a witch in that she has special powers over food to make it good.
8/23/08 - I get the feeling a lot of you don’t care what I weigh anymore. I could balloon up to 400 pounds and it would all be the same to you. But I assure you, I still care, dammit!
8/24/08 - My parents live in the country. There’s lots of mosquitoes. I ate poorly, but the mosquitoes ate more of my flesh than I could put on. I lost a pound.
8/25/08 - First day of classes, and I’ve already been called Andre Fagassi: a fatter, gayer, Andre Agassi. It’s good to be back.
8/26/08 - It’s not easy having to make chicken patties and fries for my kids while I eat my salad for dinner. Don’t think they don’t know how much it kills me: asking me if I want some, saying “what’s for dessert?” telling me what a good cook I am, asking what I’m having, just to stick it to me.
8/27/08 - My new “Washed-Up 70’s Tennis Player” look seems to be diverting attention away from my girth.
8/28/08 - Headed to NY tomorrow. I wonder if Trailer Park has a “healthy choice” menu?
8/29/08 - I often wonder how much soft serve I could eat in one sitting?
8/30/08 - Shame is a great appetite suppressant.
8/31/08 - “I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat.” If only it were that easy.
9/1/08 - Croutons are keeping me sane. How sad is that?
9/2/08 - I feel like if I ate whatever I wanted everyday for the rest of my life, I’d probably never weigh much more that 280, and it’s perspective like that that usually does me in.
9/3/08 - I’m not used to all this running. When I get home, I fall asleep standing up.
9/4/08 - Does Wii have an eating game yet?
9/5/08 - I wonder what cheetah meat tastes like.
9/6/08 - I wonder what Eaters Anonymous would think of this group?
9/7/08 - If there were no such thing as weekends, I’d weigh 80 pounds by now. There’s something about Saturday that makes me prone to sheet cake.
9/8/08 - I realize that interest in this group is dwindling, but I continue to persevere. I guess I’m just a better person. That’s just my guess.
9/9/08 - A year ago today, I ate 50 chicken wings. Today, I ate a salad with chicken on it. Progress?
9/10/08 - You know about the concept of phantom pain? People lose an arm or leg and at times, feel like it’s still intact like when it rains or they want to punch someone. Well, I think I have a phantom order of cheese fries. When I’m sad, I feel them in my stomach.
9/11/08 - Anyone know where I can get some good stretchmark cream?
9/12/08 - I’m going to start looking into food alternatives. For instance: how many calories are in a standard piece of white chalk, or Play-Doh?
9/13/08 - I’m hoping there’s an undiscovered species of animal somewhere deep in the jungle that tastes like cheesy bread and has no calories or fat. It’s hairless, so you can pluck it right out of its den and be eating it hot off the grill within 5 minutes.
9/14/08 - I’m pretty proud that throughout this whole process I never considered bulimia.
9/15/08 - Are there fat vegetarians? I’m thinking I could go that way, but would it work if I eat cheese fries and garlic bread 4 times a day?
9/16/08 - I have to fight the urge to do “Exercise Math,” as in: Oh, I played one on one against my 8 year old for 10 minutes… a bag of bite size Snickers will cancel that out.
9/17/08 - I played tennis with my wife tonight. You can add it to the list of things I completely dominate… along with basketball and paint-by-numbers, among other things.
9/18/08 - Do you know how hard it is for me not to eat pizza when I bring it into class. Normally I would just absorb it into my bloodstream like a fucking Sham-Wow.
9/19/08 - “Cut the cheese” is the worst farting euphemism available.
9/20/08 - I wonder how Possum meat tastes?
9/21/08 - My stomach is crying. No more dogs in The Stadium.
9/22/08 - Special K has chocolate in it. Can that be good?
9/23/08 - Diet soda is such a fucking joke… yes, even Diet Dr. Pepper. If I wanted to taste shit an hour after consuming something, I’d just eat some shit.
9/24/08 - Basketball and tennis today. I can’t feel my legs.
9/25/08 - I watched a complete stranger eat a slice of pizza today. I wouldn’t be surprised if he called the cops.
9/26/08 - I’m rejuvenated by the influx of new members to the group. Welcome! Now, let’s see if you have what it takes to make me weep gently every time I pass an Arby’s.[/quote]