Some of you may remember my dumb little EMO thread last August in which I expressed suididal thoughts:
I’m still alive and kicking, but unfortunately things have gotten quite a bit worse since then. I really didn’t know how good I had it when I posted that stupidass thread before.
When I posted that thread in August I had just found out that I had early degenerative joint disease in all of my weightbearing joints (feet, ankles, knees, hips) and at the time I thought it was the end of the world because it spelled the end of my athletic career (I was a collegiate track athlete) and I knew that it would eventually lead to disability.
Obviously millions of people get arthritis but, being very much somatically oriented, it was particularly devastating to have it happen to me at 23. My physicality really was everything to me.
Nevertheless I managed to get a grip on things and push on with my crappy life. I started increasing my activity level, walking 3-5 miles a day, doing a little bit of cardio, and started upper body weight training again. I was also planning to get on a bike this spring and give cycling a try to fill the void.
So basically my only limitation was that I couldn’t participate in athletic activity anymore, but I was able to stay healthy and fairly active. The arthritis wasn’t going to own me and I wasn’t doomed to ride the furniture for the rest of my life.
It was actually kind of a special thing; I caught a second wind and was able to move on with a much greater appreciation for life than I had when I was young and invincible.
Then in mid-October, everything went to shit when a single incident kicked off a degenerative cascade that left me far worse off than I was previously. My leg joints worsened significantly, and the arthritis spread to my upper body as well.
In addition to my weightbearing joints, my shoulders, elbows, wrists, hands, fingers and neck are now affected also.
I cannot do any type of heavy lifting or cardio anymore. I still try to walk 30-60 minutes per day, but my feet are in bad shape and I doubt that I’ll be able to keep this up for more than another year or two unless I get a transtibial amputation and trade my feet for some prosthetics (which I will do if it comes to that).
I also do a little bit of light resistance training daily, but it’s pretty much grandma ass shit- 10-20 lb. dumbells, pushups from me knees, bodyweight half squats, etc. Very unfulfilling, but all my joints can take right now.
My physique is quickly going to shit. I eat as clean as anyone can eat, but my BRM must be plummetting since I can’t use my muscles anymore. My body is just wasting away and I’m experiencing every T-Man’s worst nightmare: becoming skinny-fat. And it’s every bit as traumatizing as you thought.
I seriously can’t accept this shit. I have always been disgusted by people who are fat and inactive; both of my parents are obese and probably have every chronic health problem known to man (except arthritis, ironically) between them.
It’s nothing genetic, they’ve always just been amazingly careless with their health and frankly have reaped what they sowed. Their lifestyles disgusted me so much growing up that when I was 12 years old I swore that I would never turn out like them no matter what happened in my life. The thought that I may now be doomed to follow in thier footsteps is terrifying.
I want to fight this as hard as I can and have no no plans to give up doing what little physical activity I can do. Nevertheless, I feel like it’s a lost cause to continue trying to stay fit. As long as I continue to care about my physical condition, I’m doomed to be miserable becuase my body is destroyed.
It seems like the only way I can ever hope to be anything other than paralyzed with depression is to divorce myself from the need to be physical and do that whole stupid thing that fat people do to feel better about themselves by learing to be “happy with my body” (AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!)
So what am I gonna do? How would you proceed if you were in my situation? What’s the right perspective to have on this?