T Nation

Health Club Quitters


Check out this article that was in The Onion today:

Health-Club Employee Stops Going To Work After Two Weeks

June 16, 2006 | Issue 42?25

MONTCLAIR, NJ?Only two weeks after signing up as an employee at Onward Health And Fitness, area resident Jennifer Lazar, initially enthusiastic about shedding excess debt in time for summer, has already lost interest in her "tedious" five-day work routine, sources reported Friday.

"I knew it was going to be tough and that it would take time to see any changes in my bank statement, but going to work day in and day out got old real fast," Lazar said.

Although Lazar, 25, started with zeal as a receptionist for the popular Montclair-area health club, pledging to "wake up early each morning and hit the gym's front desk right away," her enthusiasm quickly ebbed when the reality of the job's demanding regimen began to sink in.

"I don't know how the other people do it," said Lazar, who speculated that her coworkers must either be "ultra-disciplined," or lead less hectic lives. "By the time I get through the grocery shopping, take my cat to the vet, and make payments on my car, there either isn't enough time or I'm just too wiped out to even think about heading to the gym."

While Lazar started her first week "on the right foot," she decided to skip her fourth day of work, claiming that it had been months since she'd performed any service-related activity and didn't want to "overdo things at first." By the end of the second week, however, Lazar had completed only two six-hour work sessions.

"I planned to go in to work every day last week, I really did," Lazar said. "But for whatever reason, I just couldn't get motivated to leave the house."

Lazar has also cited recent rainy weather and heavy construction slowing traffic across town as reasons to stay home. "This has just been a bad month to start a new routine, what with all the other stuff I have going on," Lazar said. "Maybe I should just take the rest of the week off and start fresh first thing Monday morning."

On the few occasions in which Lazar managed to "squeeze in" an hour on the club's phones or photocopier machine, she said that the repetitive and unchallenging nature of the activities left her feeling unfulfilled and physically drained rather than energized and rejuvenated. "It's just the same mindless motions over and over," Lazar said. "I can do this stuff at home without having to drive 25 minutes out of my way."

Alex Driessen, a fellow front-desk clerk who personally trained Lazar in her first week, expressed no surprise at Lazar's excuse-making and lack of persistence.

"I've worked with a lot of people like Jennifer," Driessen said. "What people don't realize is that the key to on-the-job success is simply to show up every day."

Lazar admitted that her "carefree" years of inactivity, when it seemed like she could sit idly with no consequences, have finally caught up with her. Although concerned that her once-slim credit-card debt has been ballooning almost out of control over the past several years, Lazar said it's still not enough to get her to "hunker down" and change her habits.

While some people are able to achieve a sense of personal accomplishment and satisfaction by working, Lazar said it is just not for her.

"Maybe I can't help it?maybe it's genetic. Whatever it is, it's time I accepted myself for who I am, instead of always holding myself up to society's unrealistic standards," Lazar said.


absolutely friggin hilarious. spot on


I hope she is pretty , otherwise she will not fair well in life .


Hahaha. The onion is always dead-on.


Fuck-off I'm reading The Onion...

Best coffee mug quote ever!


She isn't...


She better hope she can give a mean Blow Job or she's gonna be shit out of luck for the rest of her life.

Worthless piece of Sh#t!!!!

How does she get up in the morning and look her self in the mirror?

I hate worthless people.

I have noticed alot of people in thier early twenties are opting out and looking for excuses for thier laziness.

I have a brother in law that is only 25 and he is the same way, tries to blame society for his unability to wake up and get to work on time, quit smoking dope, popping pills, and his lack of funds. He says the government owes him something. He racked up a shit load in credit card debt, @ 20,000$, and filed for bankruptcy. Then he found a doctor that put him on antidepresants, while on anti depresents he faked a physco episode in the mall and was hauled off to the mental hospital. After he got out he got disability from the stae and now he sits on his ass collecting 1200 bucks a month. All the while smokin dope and sleeping till noon.

The worst part is he planned it all so he would have to get up and deal with society.

Ain't that a Bitch!!!!!!



He ought to hang out w/ my dad. That jerk lied about needing a wheelchair for 6 YEARS, collecting SS all the while, getting medicaid to pay for it all, developing diabetes, getting even MORE obese than he once was (almost 400lbs), etc.

The kicker is that he actually has legitimate health problems now because of it.

And we put into the system so these douchebags can leach off it...


you do understand that the onion is a satirical newspaper, that this is all a joke and that this woman doesnt really exist, right? I'm sorry for all the problems with your brother-in-law, but the woman named in this article doesnt have to worry about being pretty or giving a mean anything because she's a fictional character.


It is always funny when people take the Onion seriously. How can people get so worked up over satire?


LMAO, I was thinking this exact thing when I was reading his post.


It's funnier when people think it's real.


Yeah. You have the added entertainment of laughing at those people. Obviously not the brightest tools in the shed.


Yes, I know it is not real, but the whole idea behind a story written on what a majority of younger people feel and how they associate thier lives in general just pisses me off.

I just fuckin hate lazy worthless people, fictional or not.



I'd still the woman in picture.


Here's another good one from the Onion. Please don't be this guy.

Workout Routine Broken Down For Coworker

November 3, 2004 | Issue 40?44

SAN JOSE, CA?Heritage Ink Supply sales representative Eric Vanderbilt broke his workout routine down in the company breakroom Monday, for the benefit of coworker Jennifer Kim.

Vanderbilt describes a typical Thursday night.

"Mondays, I focus on chest and triceps," Vanderbilt told Kim, after she said that her 232-pound coworker "must go to a gym or something." "I usually start with the flat bench press, which works the whole chest. Then, I move on to the incline and decline bench press?those focus on the upper and lower chest, respectively. Sometimes, I do dumbbells, just to mix it up. For the triceps, I usually do french press and dips."

Kim said that, in asking Vanderbilt whether he belonged to a gym, she had neither sought nor expected a meticulous account of his lifting regimen.

"It's all about DPP: discipline, persistence, and patience," Vanderbilt said, watching the muscles in his forearm move as he worked his wrist back and forth. "I do six or eight reps for each exercise, unless I'm increasing the weight. In that case, I decrease the reps. No cheat reps. No 'one rep max.' A lot of the younger guys are doing 'one rep max' for quick gain, but they're playing with fire."

Many common perceptions about weightlifting are incorrect, Vanderbilt told Kim as she removed a plate from the microwave and stared in the direction of her cubicle.

"You might think you gotta do chest and arms every day of the week, but you don't," Vanderbilt said. "It's actually important to let your muscles recover. That's why I do legs on Tuesday, back and biceps on Thursday, and shoulders on Friday. I take Wednesdays and weekends off. I don't just sit around eating chips and watching TV, though. I usually go for a swim. Gotta keep up the old cardiovascular."

Added Vanderbilt: "What I'm striving for is a total body workout."

He then stressed the importance of stretching before strenuous exercise.

"Even if I don't do any serious exercise, I'll do 20 minutes of stretching," Vanderbilt said. "That's a bare minimum. If I'm lifting, then I stretch out before and after the workout. You wouldn't believe how many injuries could be avoided if people stretched before they worked out. If I have time, I like to stretch the muscles I'm working out between reps. You look pretty flexible. Do you do yoga?"

Kim responded by smiling and reaching for a AAA-member magazine sitting on the table.

"You don't eat French fries, do you?" Vanderbilt said, eyeing Kim's organic burrito. "Those are the worst things for your body. You might as well be eating lard. Seriously, if you don't put the right things into your body, you're not going to get the maximum benefit from all that sweat. I usually eat a chicken sandwich without the bun about two hours before a workout and then maybe a can of tuna mixed with vegetables 20 minutes after I'm done. To build muscle, you need protein-lots of it."

Vanderbilt said that, in order to add mass, he stacks his supplements, starting his day with a high-protein shake, an antioxidant multivitamin, a cardio-support supplement, a selenium supplement, and steel-cut oats sprinkled with whey.

When Kim asked Vanderbilt why he spends so much time at the gym, instead of spending it with friends or a girlfriend, Vanderbilt said it was important to take care of his most valuable asset: his body.

"I like knowing my body is working at peak efficiency," Vanderbilt said. "When I walk out of the gym, I feel physically and mentally disciplined. I like that. And there's a group down at the gym. We like to hang out at the juice bar and talk about routines, diet, and where to buy gear and workout clothes."

After stressing the importance of drinking enough water every day, Vanderbilt excused himself to take a phone call at his desk, giving Kim the opportunity to return to her cubicle and reflect on what she had learned about her coworker.

"Well, I learned that that Eric guy likes to work out-a lot," Kim said. "I also know that he likes to eat five or six meals a day instead of three. I think I offended him, though, when I asked him about steroids. It's amazing I managed that, since I barely got three words in edgewise for the last 15 minutes. Oh, and now my food's cold."