T Nation

Had an affair, what now?

Hey guys and girls, this is my first time writing but I need some advice. Recently a girl who I work with and I went out after work then back to her place. We had some of the best sex ever. However, it wasn’t only a one-night stand. I’ve been by her place every night for the past week and a half. Now the problems. First of all it seems like we are both getting our feelings involved. Not just lust, but having fun hanging out, talking, whatever. And secondly, I am married with kids. She knew that, and I think we both only planned on a one-night stand, but things have gotten complicated. I love my wife and kids, but am having feelings for this girl. Much different than what I feel for my wife. My wife and I have had some rough times, and been on the edge of divorce a couple of times. But I have never made it final. Now, crazily I am thinking about it. Can anyone offer advice.

It seems that you have very little understanding for what it is YOU WANT.

I strongly suggest that you think about the kind of life and future you want. Make your decision and then act on it.

If you want to be part of your existing family. End the relationship with the girl.

If you don’t, tell your wife that it is over. Be honest and honorable. Once you are divorced, you are free to do whatever you want.

Until then, you are in a world where you will find no happiness.

“… speak the truth, practice fidelity… these principles will make you strong and put you on the path to excellence.”

-Rob

You’re a 1st rate asshole and so is this whore
you’re plugging. Boys like you give real men
like me a bad name. If you are not strong
enough or mature enough to reign in your
ego and hormones, then I would suggest an
anti-androgen or castration. The grass is
almost assuredly not greener on that
side of the fence. Just newer. Look at the
wonderful example you’re setting for your
children. My advice to you, is to never
see this other woman again, not to have sex
with your wife until you are tested for each
and every STD out there and then to find
another job. And never mention it to your
wife or anyone. And pray to God she never
finds out because she will have every right
to divorce your sorry ass for this. To
satisfy your ego and libido, you are risking
not just the psychological health of yourself,
but that of your wife and children. Get
a fucking hobby. And take your wife and kids
to Disney World. -

Brock

I will refrain on commenting on what you’ve done, that’s been covered quite well. Do not end you marriage for a new piece of ass. If your marriage is over, then end it, but not because of a week of banging something new. And for my curiosity, how does a married man with kids come up with the time to fuck and hang out with a girl on the side? Don’t your kids wonder where the hell you are, not to mention your wife?

Well said, Brock!

The woman is obviously a slut. She knew you were married and honked your horn anyway. Leave your wife and marry her and she be out honking someone elses horn pretty soon. Get rid of her quick and NEVER mention this transgression to your wife. And straighten out your act!

For some reason, the song “Hit 'Em Up Style” comes into my mind. I won’t go on about what you have done, but your wife could possibly take that song’s advice if she finds out.

I too have had hard times in my marriage, and things are not going well, the grass certainly looks greener on the other side. When there is someone new, all the positives of the new person can highlight all the negatives of your mate. But what made me stop short of cheating is the first and foremost, the commitment I have made in my marriage. Secondly, the feeling that one feels upon meeting someone new is very very chemical. It is not unlike an infatuation. Once the chemical high wears off, you will see that this new person has as many faults as your wife. It is too late now, but if you would have waited instead of jumping in bed, you would have seen what I mean about infatuation wearing off. Then you’ll wonder why you ruined a relationship that you could have worked on and improved. I’m glad I realized that before anything happened. I think many people do not get it. I know it took me a long time. Marriage is not a temporary thing until something better comes along. This is IT. There is no going back. If you want your marriage to work, Brock’s advice is good I think.

To her with HER, HE is the bastard, since it was HIS reponsibilty to think of his family first. She just wanted some nookie.

Look fella - be objective - if this new woman is worth putting your entire life in upheaval, then do it. NOW Otherwise, stop the cheating.

Just remember the immortal words of Chris Rock “New pussy cain’t cook!”

Well said Brock…that is damn well said.

LOL @ Aikigreg…

Brock- that wasnt very nice and forgiving, now was it? But on the serious tip (I feel all gangsta sayin that), I agree with you 110%. you have a way with words, man.

Brock, that was the best thing ive ever heard. amen!

Advice? Here is some advice. Go buy some Vitex.

Your marriage must be really screwed up for you to have an affair! Get counseling, or do something that will save your marriage. Listen to Hyok’s advise. He is right on with the brain chemistry stuff. Whatever you do about your wife situation is up to you, but if you stop providing for your kids because of this, then you are an ultimate Jerk Off!

Amen, Brock.

I say keep the little whore on the side. Who are you hurting? Just don’t tell the wife, whatever you do.

He can’t keep her on the side, not for long.
Either she will want more and intrude or
he will want more and blow off his family.
This type of shit irritates the fuck out of
me! On June 3rd, 2000, I stood before a
rabbi, a judge and most importantly, God and
swore I would forsake all other women for my
wife’s sake and for my marriage. If I
violate this pledge, what good is my word anywhere,
ever again? Who could believe me when I
say, ‘I will do this or I will do that,
I promise’. Look, I work in nursing, I am
an RN and 90% of the RN’s are women and
at least half of them here where I am are
young (21-26ish), single, hot and have a
rep for being easy. If you are half way
decent looking and have a build (and I like
to think I am half decent looking and
I have a fair build) you will have women
throwing themselves at you, flirting with
you at every opportunity. I left work
late yesterday and this tall, flat chested,
very thin (that look is “in” now I guess)
nurse with short frosted hair and a sweet
face was flirting with me and was totally
overt that she “wanted to go out for drinks”.
A clever euphemism for, “we’ll get a few
drinks, I’ll ‘pretend’ I am too drunk to
drive, you can drive me home and then you
can really ‘drive me home’ and I don’t
care that you are married”. Did I go?
Nope! Did I think about it? Maybe for
a second I allowed it to flatter my ego.
Do I always get along perfectly with my
wife? Heck no, there are times she drives
me fucking batty and I want to scream.
Is sex as exciting or as frequent as it
was when we 1st started to date? No, of
course it is not! But so what? This
is called “growing up” and being a responsible
member of society. And fuck the
abstract, libertarian, swingers, “it
feels good and I am so self centered”
bullshit, the liberals and the ivory tower
arm chair philosophers are wrecking the
moral fiber of our country with their
“progressiveness”.

I made a vow, I gave
my word and if I break my word short of any
reason other than saving someone’s life or
similar, I don’t know if I can look at myself
quite the same again. Life is like
trigonometry - think of a sine wave. There
will be euphoric highs, crests and great times:
the birth of a child, your honeymoon, etc.
There will be troughs or lows where it seems it
all sucks and you hate it. That’s just
the way it is. If you can’t be faithful to
one person, don’t be married. Stay single
and fornicate with whomever you like who
will fornicate back with you. Nothing of
anything of substance comes out of cheating.
Your kids will find out about it and will
be damaged, they will resent you for
“abandoning them and their mother for
some other woman” even if you see them all
the time. And they have every right to
feel this way. By cheating, you are saying
your libido and sexual gratification are
more important than the psychological hygiene
of your kids. And that makes you a first rate,
poster child of an asswipe in my book there
buddy.

You’re bored with the wifer? She
doesn’t look as good as she did the day you
got married after 10 years and 2 kids? Lemme
ask you, do you look as good as you did 10
years ago? How would you feel if your
wife found another man and he was ramming
his tool into her doggie style while slapping
her ass and pulling her hair and SHE BEGGED
HIM FOR IT!?! That image work for you, Ace?
This Jezebel you are packing is a real
piece of work. Because she knows you are
married and have children and she is still
pursuing this knowing it is wrong. I am
no radical Shi’ite Muslim but perhaps they
have it right under sharia that this woman
should be stoned to death. You too, slick,
but after you are castrated in public and
your ballbag tacked up somewhere where
other men of your “ilk” can see what happens
when they cheat and get caught. And you
will get caught if you play this game
enough times. Do the right thing, stop this
illicit affair, never see this woman again,
and go back to your family and tell them
and SHOW THEM how much you appreciate and
love them. Repent while you still have the
option to do so.

Brock

Forget all this beating around the bush carap. Tell us how ya REALLY feel, Brock, and stop holding back!

Dude, that has got to be the funniest, yet truest thing I’ve ever heard.

brock - that was beautiful. here’s a bit of personal information…i once cheated on my boyfriend with a married man. my relationship was everything but over and the guy hadn’t lived with his wife in - literally - years and they had no kids. you know what? i STILL felt like shit for doing it, and we never even had sex. ‘stuck’ you are a pig, and you guys who think this sort of behavior is ‘funny’ or ‘cool’ get your head out of your ass. you are the same assholes who call women who sleep around whores, but cheer for the guys who do the same. what should you do? go look in the mirror, admit to yourself that you need to look up to see down, dump your little ‘hussy on the side’, and do what you need to do to repair your marriage.

I’ve been away from the forum for 3 days, and this stuff comes up again? Jeez! One thing I’ve heard from MANY counselors (and all my spiritual mentors) is that they WILL NOT do any couples counselling if one of them is in the midst of an affair. So, Stuck, if you are going to make a choice, you need to get away from them BOTH and make that choice. What you are feeling with this new woman is that magical “in love” feeling that lasts anywhere from 6 months to two years (if you’re lucky). From that point, the love in a relationship is A COMMITMENT. Remember, love is an action word (and I don’t mean sex). Are you still doing the things that you did when you were courting your wife? If not, why? A marriage is not a 50/50 arrangement, it’s 100/100. From some one who’s been in this situation before, especially with the children involved (whether you like it or not), the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. Deal with the issues in your marriage, or you’ll just be bringing them into whatever other relationships you have for the rest of your life.