T Nation

Gym Runts (Rant)!

So, this being January and all, I’m naturally pissed when I hit the weights because of all of the new posers in the gym trying to improve themselves to fulfill some pointless New Year’s resolutions. Anyway, I’m in the “Basement” crashing out some Zercher Front Squats, that 99% of people couldn’t do correctly, even if they weren’t afraid to try, when this little dude comes in. When I say he was half my size, I mean, he was literally half my size. He plops himself down on MY bench. Well, I wasn’t using the bench at the time, but in most of my sessions, I use that bench.

So I tell him, “yo, are you using that bench?” This little dude must have balls the size of Texas, cause he looks at me and says “yeah, I’m sitting on it watching you struggle.” So, I growl at him and hit a front double biceps and say,“Yeah bra, you wanna know what a real man looks like when he’s throwing around some iron? Just watch this next set.”

I unrack the bar and get set up for a set of breathing single leg zercher squats. No sooner do I get set up, but in stroll these two cuties, who proceed to sit down with you-know-who. Now, I’m pissed, cause I got the weight on me and they’re distracting me and they’re sitting with this gym runt. I mean, these are BREATHING SQUATS! Not some sissy-boy adductor machine reps. Not to be deterred, I refocus myself and start banging out the reps. One of the girls starts making goofy faces at me while the other one goes and starts taking plates off the floor rack and dropping them on the floor. And I’m not talking the little ones, I mean the big plates, the ones with the 5 on the side.

At this point, I have to say something, so I tell her to stop and that she’s going to hurt someone, but, since I was mid-rep, it came out more as a yell. This chick gets scared and runs out of the room. I keep going - 16, breathe, 17 breathe…Then, the dude gets up and picks up the biggest dbs in the area and starts swinging them back and forth in some sort of curling motion. I can’t make this shit up! I’m really at my breaking point at about rep 40 (breathe, breathe) when I tell (yell at) him “Dude! Put down MY dbs and use the next smaller size, the purple ones with the 3 on the side, little man!” The remaining girl just giggles and points at me and says “you’re face is red” and I’m like “wtf? Get out of here you Lilliputian!” She just looked at me all confused, like she had no idea what that means.

Well, this must have set off some lunk alarm or something because in comes the assistant manager and she’s pissed as hell, screaming at everyone to get out. I figure my set is blown anyway, so I glare at her before I rep out a few more - 83, 84, 85, before reracking the bar, making as much noise as I can, all the while, my veins is popping out in my calves. In between my half-breaths, I turn to her and say “Lolz, haterz will never get it. I’m gonna hit the showers now sugar tits, in case you want to join Mr. Hyoooge.” She just laughs me and says “I don’t think so Schwartzenegger. And apologize to our kids for the way you just treated them.”

WTF! Like I need that kind of attitude in MY gym.

DB

I feel your pain, bra. Same shit happened to me the other day in my gym too.

See, when I am in my gym, you go heavy or go home. Don’t come in and start sniffing around the equipment if you ain’t gonna slam some huge weights.

I knew immediately this little dude wasn’t serious and just a ignorant beginner. You can tell just by looking at his hair…all fluffy and brushed out. Who has fluffy hair? C’mon.

So, I’m doing pullups, not those pansy ass Kroc pullups and just letting my beast rage, when the little son of a bitch walks right under the chin bar where I’m pulling the heavens down to meet my sternum.

I don’t take that shit. I jump down and just miss landing on the little guy. Get this, the thunder from the steely clang of all the weights hanging on my dip belt made him jump and I swear to you on a copy of Arnold’s Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding, he let out a little whimper. Fear! In my gym!?!? Shit, I beast out in the gym and I never dog my work outs. This little son of a bitch has a lot of dog in him.

When I let my dip belt hit the floor, bra, it was friggin hilarious because he tucked his tail like a coward and darted across the gym floor.

I took in upon myself to escort him to the lounge area. He gave me no trouble because he knew who was the alpha dog and who was just a little mutt. Not to intimidate him anymore, I threw him a bone, patted his head and said it’s alright boy, not everyone was meant for the gym. He wasn’t paying attention anymore as he was happily chewing over the wisdom I threw his way.

?!?..

Please tell me you guys don’t actually talk like that in real life.

Hilarious though!

Last week I walked into MY gym and I see that they moved out four of MY flat benches and both of MY power racks. They replaced all that stuff with 30 minute express workout, a green light and a red light … none of which is mine. WTF, they didn’t ask me for permission. So I canceled MY membership right then and there.

Oh yeah. I posted here so this is MY thread.

[quote]Loose Tool wrote:
Last week I walked into MY gym and I see that they moved out four of MY flat benches and both of MY power racks. They replaced all that stuff with 30 minute express workout, a green light and a red light … none of which is mine. WTF, they didn’t ask me for permission. So I canceled MY membership right then and there.

Oh yeah. I posted here so this is MY thread.[/quote]

Damn. Don’t you think you overreacted a bit?

DB

[quote]dollarbill44 wrote:
Loose Tool wrote:
Last week I walked into MY gym and I see that they moved out four of MY flat benches and both of MY power racks. They replaced all that stuff with 30 minute express workout, a green light and a red light … none of which is mine. WTF, they didn’t ask me for permission. So I canceled MY membership right then and there.

Oh yeah. I posted here so this is MY thread.

Damn. Don’t you think you overreacted a bit?

DB[/quote]

No way. My gym. My money. Or at least it was. But I have a new gym now. It’s in the cellar of MY building. I call it “the dungeon”. MY dungeon.

Good to see I wasn’t the only one who has been “admiring” some of the posts on here lately…

Oh yeah, well I was curling some heavys, you know really putting the gun show on when this cute little chick comes walking up checking out how strong I was. Anyways I had set my dumbells down and she tries to snake them from me! She couldn’t even pick one up with both hands!

Girl or not I had to teach her a lesson not to mess with a real man’s tools when he’s working it. So I chased her around the yard and when I caught her-- I tickled her. THAT’S how a true man does it… haterz.

Your stories makes me want to crush these little shitheads running around in my gym.

The other day, I was doing heavy deadlift and not just like some pansy deadlifts, I mean balls out slamming the weights on the floor and shit cuz you know I like to do it hardcore. Well anyways, while I’m on my fourth rep yelling “light weight!”, I see in the corner of my eye a fuken little trainer giving me bad looks. I unplug my ipod and tell him “whats up bro?”. He replies nothing, thats right little bitch.

So as I’m resting and getting ready for my last set, I guess this little shithead wasn’t working anymore cuz then he starts to shadow box!! I’m like, o hell no wtf?!?. Don’t make me go over there and throw you a flying arm bar.

Hold up my T-crew, this shit gets better. This little shithead of a trainer then pulls out a picture and tapes it to the wall. I’m like wtf is wrong with this homo. Anyways, I go over and ask him, “hey bro, why u got that pic of a dude?”, and he’s like “oh, that pic is inspirational”. So thats right, I was like wut-da-fuk?!?, I need to start a thread about this shit.

Uh, something about turtles.

D

.

So me and my 4 bra’s go into the campus gym to go toss it around a little ya know’ and there are these guys benching…I mean little guys, ya know’…so I was like “dude!?!” “MY BENCH BRA!!” and my friend was like “dude!!!” I mean WTF was that dude thinking sitting there??

So the kid looks up at us and was like "duuuude? :frowning: "

This pissed on my homeskillet and he was gonna’ ya know, fuck up that dude. So I picked him up and screamed “DUDE!!!” but he would not stop. So I smashed my best bra’s head into the ground until he stopped moving.

I tried to tell him it was a joke.

Fucking New Year’s resolution dudes.

True story.

When I get out of Clemson, I’m going to be a Navy SEAL. Or a Storm Trooper.

[quote]nikolo wrote:
So, I’m doing pullups, not those pansy ass Kroc pullups and just letting my beast rage, when the little son of a bitch walks right under the chin bar where I’m pulling the heavens down to meet my sternum.[/quote]

Fucking hilarious.

im not even going to try and match the caliber of stories on this thread so all ill do is say

Bravo.

Bravo.

[quote]UtahLama wrote:
So me and my 4 bra’s go into the campus gym to go toss it around a little ya know’ and there are these guys benching…I mean little guys, ya know’…so I was like “dude!?!” “MY BENCH BRA!!” and my friend was like “dude!!!” I mean WTF was that dude thinking sitting there??

So the kid looks up at us and was like "duuuude? :frowning: "

This pissed on my homeskillet and he was gonna’ ya know, fuck up that dude. So I picked him up and screamed “DUDE!!!” but he would not stop. So I smashed my best bra’s head into the ground until he stopped moving.

I tried to tell him it was a joke.

Fucking New Year’s resolution dudes.

True story.

[/quote]

I’m with you Bra. You have to live the warrior lifestyle. It’s not something you turn on and off.

DB

[quote]dollarbill44 wrote:
UtahLama wrote:
So me and my 4 bra’s go into the campus gym to go toss it around a little ya know’ and there are these guys benching…I mean little guys, ya know’…so I was like “dude!?!” “MY BENCH BRA!!” and my friend was like “dude!!!” I mean WTF was that dude thinking sitting there??

So the kid looks up at us and was like "duuuude? :frowning: "

This pissed on my homeskillet and he was gonna’ ya know, fuck up that dude. So I picked him up and screamed “DUDE!!!” but he would not stop. So I smashed my best bra’s head into the ground until he stopped moving.

I tried to tell him it was a joke.

Fucking New Year’s resolution dudes.

True story.

I’m with you Bra. You have to live the warrior lifestyle. It’s not something you turn on and off.

DB[/quote]

You always stay aware dude, it’s not like a FUCKIN’ light switch…

Fuckin’ NEEWBEESS git of my BENCH!!! AAAARRRGGGHHHHH

[quote]Dedicated wrote:
Uh, something about turtles.

D[/quote]

That’s MY turtle!

Lillipution… holy hell that is excellent.

This one time, some skinny bitch tried to steal my pink dumbells, so I shot him.

Taught that cunt what’s what…

Hey DB , As I was reading this I was thinking to myself,“damn this kid does have balls!” Thanks for the laugh.