GW left me a draft of his upcoming speech later this year. I thought I would share it with T-Mag:
My fellow Americans:-
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq’s regime has been completed. The
discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been
covered thoroughly in the press. An new Iraqi government has been
established and appears to be stable.
Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces
from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the Reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which
have stood by our side during the Iraqi conflict. This list is short. The
United Kingdom, Spain, Australia, Portugal, Bulgaria, Poland, Iceland and
several small Eastern Europen countries, are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of
both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and permanently. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France, they can
send you some truffles.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to re-direct this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi
Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations, as well as Germany and South
Korea . Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we’ll
hunt you down and incinerate you and all your relatives from the face of the
earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody
has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World War
II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel.
Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority I say, “Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal.” Just note that
Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations.
They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I’m ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are also
retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. We don’t need you.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing any UN
diplomatic vehicle located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to
sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t
give a damn about whatever treaty this violates. Pay your tickets tomorrow
or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of
the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. Maybe with enough of
this harrassment, the pompous do-nothing representatives of this useless
organization will vote to move the headquarters to another country, where we
won’t have to attend and pay a majority of their bloated bills.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you might want to try not pissing us
off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire
corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple
extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I’m gonna put
'em? Yep, border security, North
and South. So start doing something with your oil. Oil from drilling in
ANWR should start coming in next year. Oh, the United States is abrogating
the NAFTA treaty too—starting now.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct, if
you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes round.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying darn tootin’.
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world
has only earned us the undying enmity and envy of just about every crap
nation on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from
We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for its
I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first
actions which that august body should take as we move in a new direction.
Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The First
Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I
have been talking about takin’ one of those cruises up to Alaska.
Personally, I could not care less who gets elected in 2004. Throw a little
fascism into the mix and elect that socialist bitch Hillary Clinton. She
can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet. Then
we can have a real revolution in this country.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.
God bless America.
Thank you and good night.