T Nation

GW's Upcoming Speech

GW left me a draft of his upcoming speech later this year. I thought I would share it with T-Mag:

My fellow Americans:-

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq’s regime has been completed. The
discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been
covered thoroughly in the press. An new Iraqi government has been
established and appears to be stable.

Our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces
from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now time to begin the Reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which
have stood by our side during the Iraqi conflict. This list is short. The
United Kingdom, Spain, Australia, Portugal, Bulgaria, Poland, Iceland and
several small Eastern Europen countries, are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of
both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and permanently. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France, they can
send you some truffles.

In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to re-direct this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi
Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations, as well as Germany and South
Korea . Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we’ll
hunt you down and incinerate you and all your relatives from the face of the
earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe

Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody
has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World War
II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel.

Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority I say, “Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal.” Just note that
Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations.
They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.

I’m ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are also
retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. We don’t need you.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing any UN
diplomatic vehicle located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to
sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t
give a damn about whatever treaty this violates. Pay your tickets tomorrow
or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of
the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. Maybe with enough of
this harrassment, the pompous do-nothing representatives of this useless
organization will vote to move the headquarters to another country, where we
won’t have to attend and pay a majority of their bloated bills.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you might want to try not pissing us
off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire
corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple
extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I’m gonna put
'em? Yep, border security, North
and South. So start doing something with your oil. Oil from drilling in
ANWR should start coming in next year. Oh, the United States is abrogating
the NAFTA treaty too—starting now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct, if
you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes round.

Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying darn tootin’.
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world
has only earned us the undying enmity and envy of just about every crap
nation on the planet.

It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from

We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for its
isolationist destiny.

I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first
actions which that august body should take as we move in a new direction.

Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The First
Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I
have been talking about takin’ one of those cruises up to Alaska.

Personally, I could not care less who gets elected in 2004. Throw a little
fascism into the mix and elect that socialist bitch Hillary Clinton. She
can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet. Then
we can have a real revolution in this country.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.


I loved every bit of it except for the Hillary Clinton part. I hate her.


Avoids Roids (notice the capitalized letters),
You are on the A. List. This list contains the Good Guys. Off the top of my head they contain: The Mage, Boston Barrister, Avoids Roids, Diesel23 (most of the time), and Goldberg. If I have missed some of the Good Guys, please post hear and I will include you in my next list.
That was a hilarious post. It reflects what the majority of the United States feels. There are some basic principles that are at work here. One of them is friendship. We have found out who are true friends are. Those of us with family members who have bled and died fighting for the freedoms of countries like france and germany are sickened by their recent perfidy. The measure of any true friendship is if it can survive times of crisis. This crap I hear out of germany and france saying that, “our friendship with the United States can survive disagreements” misses the point altogether. This is not a tiff about certain customs duties or how much one country charges the other over a rubber ducky. This is about standing together against evil. What happened was that countries were afraid to confront an evil before it became lethal to the rest of us. This was almost exactly analagous to the 1930’s when the powers of that time kept appeasing hitler by allowing the subjugation of East Europeans. The reasoning went something like this, “If we give him Austria, Czechoslovokia, and the Rhineland, he will quiet down.” Appeasement doesn’t work. The weapons inspections were never going to work. If you still think that around 100 inspectors could find banned weapons without the regime’s assistance then you are guilty of putting your head in the sand. That is what these countries were doing, dodging the crisis, hoping it would go away. Imagine, where you live. Now imagine taking some banned weapons and burying them in the middle of a forest or a field. Do you think that 100 people searching for 100,000 years would have any chance of finding them if you didn’t tell them where it is? Not a chance. Now look at the topography of Iraq. Notice deserts and mountains. How hard do you think you would have to work to make these weapons impossible to find?
I heard somewhere recently that freedom cannot defend itself. How true. Thank you to all of the Good Guys for confronting this evil. I do not think I have ever been more proud to be an American. I sincerely hope that American foreign policy pursues a course where we reward our friends. We are a wonderful friend and an absolutely lethal enemy. I would not want to be on the business end of Alan Greenspan or Tommy Franks.
Good luck to belgium, france, germany, canada, mexico, russia, and china when the next great international crisis arises. We know who you will be begging to help. Oh, by the way, china is already begging the United States to deal with the north korean crises unilaterally.

US=GG, I should be on the A list. I’ve defended what we’re doing, and what is going to happen to all those fucks.

By the way, that was a great speech.

If only it were that easy…:slight_smile:

What has soccer done to the yanks?
Oh yes the French won the World Cup in 98 now I understand:}

Avoids – I think you missed your real calling in life. Not that I don’t appreciate your years serving in our armed forces… Maybe you would want to consider a second (or third, more appropriately) career – political speech writer.

Good stuff.

In the face of world tragedies, the United States could always be relied upon to offer assistance. Think of how many countries would have been destroyed had the United States not gotten involved. What other country offers more in the form of food, money and military protection? What does the U.S. ask for in return? Usually nothing. That speech pretty much outlines what the U.S. does for the world. If everything were to be accomplished on the speech, alot of countries would be shit out of luck. It sure would be nice to only have to worry about ourselves, but dammit, the U.S. cares enough to try and make the whole world a better place.