Please don’t set off a debate with this, but this was written by Kevin O’Neill over at Elite, and I know some of you will get a kick out of it, as I was laughing pretty good throughout it.
My alarm just went off, and I need to get out of bed. I have a ton of tasks to get done today before I can get to the gym. So I sit up (straight leg sit-up) and get out of bed (soft box squat).
I proceed to the kitchen and hit up the fridge. There is leftover pizza with my name all over it. It?s on the bottom shelf so I grab it (RDL) and throw it on the table. I then grab a new gallon of water and poor myself a big glass (bicep curl/delt raise).
I sit down at the table and start chowing down. I woof it down quickly, stand up (box squat), and look at my list of things to do for the day.
The first thing that I need to do is put all the boxes of winter clothes up in the attic. I pull down the attic stairs (one arm pull down) and put all the boxes at the top of the stairs (overhead press). They’re in the attic so I will organize them later. Now, what’s next on the list?
I need to put in some air conditioners. I hate doing this especially since right now they?re in the basement. So I truck downstairs and find the ACs. I bend over and pick up the first AC (deadlift/clean) and walk upstairs with it (step-ups/one-legged squats/keg carry). I put it on the bed in front of the window (RDL/good morning). I prepare the window, pick the AC up off the bed (RDL/good morning), and put it in the window. Thank God that?s done. Now, let?s go get the other one.
So it?s back downstairs. I pick up the other AC (deadlift/clean), bring it upstairs (step-ups/one-legged squats/keg carry), and put it on the bed (RDL/good morning). I get the window ready, pick up the AC off the bed (RDL/good morning), and put it in the window. Both ACs are in. What?s next on the list?
Before I can read the list, there is a nice grumbling in my stomach. Apparently the pizza from that morning has decided that it?s had enough of me and wants out. So I hit the bathroom, sit down (box squat), and do my thing. I look for some light reading and find an exercise equipment catalog that just came in the mail. Not much reading, but there are some great pictures for sure.
On the cover is some fitness goddess sitting on a big ball curling pink dumbbells. This aggravates me. Why don’t the girls at my gym look like this? And why aren’t the girls at my gym sitting on a ball with pink dumbbells? If they did, they would surely look like this fitness goddess, right?? I toss the catalog to the side so it is nearby in case I ever run out of TP. Anyway, I am done with the pizza exodus. I stand up (box squat), wash my hands, and am ready for that list now.
That?s right. I have to mow the side lawn. I go to the garage and look for the mower, but its nowhere to be found. I then remember it?s in my trunk because I had to take it to my parent?s house the other day. So I go to the car, grab the mower out of the trunk (good morning/RDL), and put in on the ground (good morning/RDL/squat). It has plenty of gas so I start it up (bent over dumbbell row) and start mowing. Not much of a lawn so I am done in about 30 minutes.
I now realize I am hungry. Burgers sound good. I go to light up the grill, but I?m out of propane. I need to get the spare tank out of the shed. I unhook the propane tank (grip strength) and put it on the top shelf in the shed (overhead press). I then take down the full tank of propane from the top shelf (overhead pressing) and hook it up to the grill (grip strength). The burgers get cooked, I get fed, what?s next?
That?s it, the list is done. Tremendous. I have time to sneak in a nap before I go hit the gym. I take a quick shower and go sit on the bed (box squat). I lie down and take a nappy nap. I wake up about one hour later good to go.
I sit up (straight leg sit-up) and get out of bed (box squat). I get dressed and grab the gym bag. I throw the bag in the trunk and sit in the car (one-legged box squat). I arrive at the gym and hop out of the car (one-legged squat/box squat). Since today is a squat/deadlift day, I decide to drag the sled for a little bit to warm up the hips. I grab the sled out of my trunk (RDL/good morning), toss it on the ground, and grab some plates out of the trunk (RDL/good morning). I?m ready to drag. I drag the sled across the back parking lot as people stare. Oh, to lift at a commercial gym!
I?m done and feel loose. I put the sled and plates back in the trunk (RDL/good morning) and see the bag of chains just sitting there looking lonely. I figure today is a great day to hear the chains jingle so I grab them out of the trunk (RDL/good morning).
I walk into the gym with my gym bag (maybe 10 lbs) in one hand and the chains (45 lbs) in the other hand (unbalanced farmers walk) and throw my bag in a locker. I sit down to tie my shoes (box squat), stand up (box squat), and I?m ready to roll. I pick the chains up and walk to the back of the gym (one-arm farmers walk).
This is now the highlight of my day. I get to lift.
As I am setting up the chains, I notice these two anorexic-like trainers talking to a couple of their clients. They?re answering questions about the two cute little toys that they?re playing with. I think one was called a wobble board and the other a bosu ball? Nonetheless, the trainers are telling these clients that the toys are used in functional training. Suddenly I stop and think to myself, ?Damn, should I be using these too?? I want to be functional. It then occurs to me that I have done a bunch of things today and functioned perfectly well throughout all of them.