One thing I’ve learned over the years is that women look at things very differently than men. Women are still a complete mystery to me most of the time, but in this case I think your ex’s actions are completely logical. Let’s look at it from her perspective:
Your ex is 35 and has a daughter who is a senior in high school. You don’t say anything about the circumstances, but she likely became a single mother when she was 18 years old. For most women this is a one-way ticket to the wrong side of the tracks, and a life dependent on government handouts.
Despite this, your ex has done something with her life, and became a personal chef to a very demanding, wealthy family. She works 9-5 on weekdays (I don’t quite understand how you can be a personal chef without working nights & weekends, but that’s not particularly relevant). Aside from this, she’s raised a daughter who has avoided her mother’s early mistakes and will be going off to college next year. All in all, she’s made some remarkable achievements in her life.
The two of you were going out together for almost 3 years, but never moved in together, supposedly because of your financial situation. On the face of it, this explanation doesn’t make sense, as it’s cheaper to share expenses than live alone. To me, this is a tip-off that your ex didn’t want to get too deeply involved with your financial problems. She also has some major expenses coming up with her daughter going off to college next year.
Meanwhile you were working a full-time job that apparently was going nowhere, and didn’t pay much money. You quit this to take a part-time job working nights and weekends, which might lead to some sort of unspecified career. You either didn’t discuss this change with your ex, or made the change anyway despite her objections. All of this might make sense if you were in your early 20’s, but at 38 she must have been thinking that it’s pretty late to be taking actions like this.
So, your ex has overcome some very significant obstacles in her life, made a career for herself, raised a daughter, and will soon be paying for 4 years of college. In addition, her fertility is about to drop off a cliff. If she wants another child, she’ll either needs to do it within the next few years, or spend big bucks for IVF treatments. Finally, she gets stressed out from work and wants some emotional support when she gets home. You apparently initially provided that support, but that was no longer possible when you took the part-time job.
It seems to me that your ex was probably kicking the can down the road for the last few years (talking about moving in together, having a child, etc.), as a way of postponing the inevitable. She probably enjoyed your company and the emotional support you provided, but didn’t want to get too deeply involved. I doubt she would ever seriously entertain the idea of having another child with a man who couldn’t at least shoulder his share of the expenses. Remember, women sleep with men like Angry Chicken, but they marry a man who will be a good provider. When you were no longer around to provide emotional support and had even deeper financial problems to boot, she probably saw no good reason to continue the relationship.
I doubt there’s anything you could do to win her back at this point in time. My suggestion would be to walk away with your dignity intact and focus on getting your life together.
