T Nation

Got Dumped


#1

I need some advice; my girl-friend of almost 3 years (I met her the day after Thanksgiving) broke up with me. It was really GREAT up until about the start of summer. I quit my job ( bad mistake ) and took a part-time job but the hours were at night. 730pm to 1230am. I could mix up the day during the week but I always had to work Fri & Sat.

So out time together was drastically changed. And she works a 9 to 5 schedule pretty much, Mon. to Fri. When I first started I would stay over with her, but that stopped because she is tired & didn't want to stay up so late. Her job is stressful & she wanted her rest. She's a personal chef/assistant to a very wealthy family. Her boss is very demanding and my GF only knows one speed..FAST, go go go all day.

Over the course of the last few month I would take a Sat. off so we could go do something, and I would just work that Sun. I guess I didn't do this as often as I should have!

She didn't like me doing this job & was pissed I quit my other job. I wanted this new job for the experience because it would help me down the road.
SO, over the past few months we grew apart, less time together.

We didn't communicate enough, I took her for granted..she's a giver & would spoil me with love & affection. I didn't give back enough & I wasn't romantic enough. And because of her stressful job she would have LOTS of mood swings. And I believe part of that was because of me.

We used to do stuff during the day on Saturdays, but that even stopped. I've been tight on money & didn't want to go out..it would lead to spending was my thought..stupid on my part. Like my mom told me, you don't have to go out & spend to have good quality time together. She of course is right. AND, with her mood swings & really didn't want to be around her. I was questioning our relationship, I knew the problem was because we weren't spending enough time together, talking more and me not treating her like she should be treated.

She didn't take my calls Sat. night, I called her Sun. at noon & she said the 4 dreaded words..we need to talk. I knew what that meant. She didn't want to talk that day, she said we could talk on Mon. I said fine..I then called her back & said we need to talk NOW..she was crying & said no, it would have to be Mon.

So last night she said she no longer loved me, she isn't happy & we need to break up. She stated I didn't treat her well enough & that I have declined since she met me. I told her she was right & I should be a better bf to her. I told her I was busting my ass trying to get my career going, finding a better job.

I was upset & stayed calm. I told her we can't throw 3 years away & that relationships are not easy..they take WORK. I also said if you love someone you'll do anything for that person. And I said she hasn't been very supportive of me! I kissed her on the cheek & went home.

I texted her a pic. of us that was taken at a birthday part Oct 11. We had a blast that night dancing & we were the life of the party. With the pic. I asked her if she was in love with me that night? Yes? She wrote back & said she was.

Can I win her back? DO I FIGHT FOR HER? During our relationship I wasn't romantic enough. Do I send her flowers? Or should I just disappear? Work on myself, getting a better job, etc? I'm not crushed, since I have been through this before. BUT I am hurting! I want to get her back, dammit!

So give me some advice. And I've heard the..there's plenty of fish out there & all that jazz. She's 35 & I'm 38. We did talk about having a family and I want that so bad..I don't want 3 years down the drain!

HELP. What's my next step?


#2

Man, you really surprised me when you said you were 38.


#3

Damn… At that age and you guys weren’t living together after 3 years, and talking about family etc…

I’d say it’s a lost cause man.

The only time I dated someone that long, and didn’t live with her was high school, and we basically lived together 4 nights a week anyway.


#4

We both wanted to go at it slow. We were talking about moving in…but not with my finances being what they are.
Also, she has a daughter that graduates this year, I thought it would be a good time for us to move in when she left for college.

Here’s some decent advice I found. I was thinking of writing her an apology letter and how much I do care about her, etc. I don’t know…my thinking is to just shut up & say nothing.

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Ex-Girlfriend-Back


#5

By the time a woman says, “We need to talk…” she’s been emotionally checked out of the relationship for a while. Either the pain of being in a relationship with you is so great she can’t bear to go on or there’s someone else who has expressed interest in her.

The bad part is, the relationship is over. The good part is, it’s not just your fault. It sounds as though both of you stopped putting energy into the relationship.

Right now your ego wants her back because you don’t want to lose 3 years, but with a little perspective (and time) you’ll realize that it was for the best.


#6

I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice for your situation :frowning:

But I did want to say, if there are ever any females reading this, don’t ever, ever, ever tell a dude “we need to talk” unless you are going to start immediately. Either keep it to yourself or get to the point, but don’t just jack up my cortisol levels so you can pussyfoot around something.


#7

[quote]RUDYTHEFIFTH76 wrote:

Here’s some decent advice I found. I was thinking of writing her an apology letter and how much I do care about her, etc. I don’t know…my thinking is to just shut up & say nothing.

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Ex-Girlfriend-Back[/quote]

I can’t believe that page even exists, let alone anyone seriously looking to it for advice.


#8

Better yet, don’t even say those words. Nothing good ever follows.

“We need to talk…about having a threesome with my sister.”

Yeah, it never happens.


#9

[quote]RUDYTHEFIFTH76 wrote:

Here’s some decent advice I found. I was thinking of writing her an apology letter and how much I do care about her, etc. I don’t know…my thinking is to just shut up & say nothing.

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Ex-Girlfriend-Back[/quote]

Oh no…no, no, no, no.

Right now you’re heart is broken but your dignity is intact. Ironically, this is not the time to go all rom-com on her.

You tell her that you’re sorry things ended this way, that you enjoyed your time together, and that you wish her the best. Then delete her info from your phone.


#10

[quote]RUDYTHEFIFTH76 wrote:
I don’t know…my thinking is to just shut up & say nothing.

[/quote]

You can’t change the past, and you can’t convince her to take you back unless she wants to.

There is an outside chance she found someone else, is going to fuck him a couple times, realize you are better and come running back. It will hurt a little, but hopefully she’ll learn a better Bj and you’ll be good to go.

If I were you I would just move on. Find some hobbies to take up your time, read some books, and enjoy being you for awhile and let the cards fall where they may. What will be, will be.


#11

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]RUDYTHEFIFTH76 wrote:

Here’s some decent advice I found. I was thinking of writing her an apology letter and how much I do care about her, etc. I don’t know…my thinking is to just shut up & say nothing.

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Ex-Girlfriend-Back[/quote]

Oh no…no, no, no, no.

Right now you’re heart is broken but your dignity is intact. Ironically, this is not the time to go all rom-com on her.

You tell her that you’re sorry things ended this way, that you enjoyed your time together, and that you wish her the best. Then delete her info from your phone.
[/quote]

Or delete it without saying anything else.


#12

[quote]RUDYTHEFIFTH76 wrote:
She stated I didn’t treat her well enough & that I have declined since she met me.
[/quote]

That’s probably your best shot at getting her back (if you have one at all).

It’s just like deadlifting, you need to find your weak spots and hit them hard.

Body/strength
Hygiene/grooming
Clothes/style
Social status/friends
Work status/position
Money/income/handling finances

There are plenty of other categories but the important thing is to improve your weak point. If she left you when you had a 405 deadlift and no money, she’s not going to take you back if you get up to a 500 deadlift with no money. Give yourself some time with it. Showing her improvement is miles better than showering her with flowers and promises.

And in the end, even if she’s moved on to someone else or isn’t interested in taking you back (which will be tough) you’ll be in a better position for yourself and for the future woman in your life.


#13

[quote]philipmein wrote:

And in the end, even if she’s moved on to someone else or isn’t interested in taking you back (which will be tough) you’ll be in a better position for yourself and for the future woman in your life.[/quote]

I can’t stress the importance of doing this like you recommend here for YOURSELF and yourself alone, not for a past woman, future women, annoying friend or mortal enemy.

They say “living well is the best revenge”. You know why? Because you’re living well, who gives a flying fuck about revenge.

Don’t live your life or do things for the sole purpose of other people and their needs (your children are an entirely different conversation, but same essential idea prevails.)


#14

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]philipmein wrote:

And in the end, even if she’s moved on to someone else or isn’t interested in taking you back (which will be tough) you’ll be in a better position for yourself and for the future woman in your life.[/quote]

I can’t stress the importance of doing this like you recommend here for YOURSELF and yourself alone, not for a past woman, future women, annoying friend or mortal enemy.

They say “living well is the best revenge”. You know why? Because you’re living well, who gives a flying fuck about revenge.

Don’t live your life or do things for the sole purpose of other people and their needs (your children are an entirely different conversation, but same essential idea prevails.) [/quote]

This x10000


#15

Find someone younger, thinner, and hotter, and fuck her senseless.


#16

It’s over, she’s lost interest in you. Delete her completely from your life. No texts, block her number, delete her from Facebook and everything else and move on.

Seriously, she told you she’s not in love with you. That in womanese means, she’s not in love with you.

Yep it stinks, but tell your ego the situation is hopeless, when you find yourself thinking about her stop immediately don’t day dream.

You’ll be good in a week - 10 days if you follow this


#17

[quote]MaximusB wrote:
Find someone younger, thinner, and hotter, and fuck her senseless.[/quote]

^^^


#18

[quote]MaximusB wrote:
Find someone younger, thinner, and hotter, and fuck her senseless.[/quote]

That’s the goal for most men, but it’s also not an immediately viable option for most. If OP could pull a babe easily, I doubt he’d even consider this letter idea or seem to take such an apologetic/supplicating approach to relationships in general. Hell, he probably wouldn’t even be in this situation in the first place.

Can’t say I know much about mid-30s women, but I would agree with the guy above who said that if you guys are talking about marriage + kids (all the while her biological clock ticking furiously) yet haven’t even moved in together after 3 years, there’s a problem.

Just move on.


#19

[quote]csulli wrote:
I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice for your situation :frowning:

But I did want to say, if there are ever any females reading this, don’t ever, ever, ever tell a dude “we need to talk” unless you are going to start immediately. Either keep it to yourself or get to the point, but don’t just jack up my cortisol levels so you can pussyfoot around something.[/quote]

Men do it too! And it’s never okay.


#20

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice for your situation :frowning:

But I did want to say, if there are ever any females reading this, don’t ever, ever, ever tell a dude “we need to talk” unless you are going to start immediately. Either keep it to yourself or get to the point, but don’t just jack up my cortisol levels so you can pussyfoot around something.[/quote]

Men do it too! And it’s never okay.[/quote]

Pretty useful trick to get really good sex with. Gets them all emotionally compromised. Used it once or twice with a girl I was dating. Mention at lunch that we need to talk when you come over later, then when she gets their have it be something along the lines of “You are looking too damn hot today and it was causing me to not be able to concentrate.” Does not work if girl has really low self esteem or is overly dramatic and thinks that you are lying about compliment. Had it blow up in my face at least once.