Good Insults

The “Let’s Start an Argument” thread made me want to make this one where we tell our best insults.

“I could’ve been your father but the dog beat me up the stairs.” has been one of my favorites.

I also recommend “Fuck you,” as well as “Go fuck yourself,” and other variations.

Oh, if someone calls you a pussy, just tell them “Hey, you are what you eat! And to be specific then you should call me Your Mom’s Pussy!”

What do you have?

“If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backward.”

That’s not a favorite insult. I’m just replying to you personally, Nards.


“I can’t believe out of all the millions of sperm that your father deposited, that you were the fastest.”

“You look like your face caught on fire and somebody beat it out with a chain”.

“Your baby is really cute. She doesn’t look anything like you.”

Fuck you, you fuckin fuck! Has always been one of my favorites.

You’re a wad that should have been swallowed.
The best part of you ran down the inside of your mothers leg.
The best part of you became a brown stain on the sheet.
You remind me of clown shoes, mildly entertaining but for the most part worthless.

I have a friend who loves ripping on fat chicks with attitudes. I think it genuinely shocks him that they can actually have such egos, and he used to take delight in knocking them down a few pegs. Note that he would never instigate this, he’d only respond to attitude he was given.

A great exchange…

<Background: Fat chick tries to keep her attractive friend from going home with my friend at a bar>

Fat chick: No offense, but you just strike me as a real douchebag. My friend deserves better
My friend: I’m sorry to hear you say that. You seem like you have your stuff together though. I can tell you’ve lived a full and rich life
Fat chick: Really?
My friend: Yep, FULL of RICH, gooey toppings…chocolate, butterscotch, what-have-you, drizzled onto mountains of ice cream and covered with heaping handfuls of candy bits.
Fat chick: Fuck you!
My friend: Tell me, what is the most indulgent, decadent treat you’ve ever inhaled?
Fat chick: FUCK YOU!!
My friend: I’m sorry, I’m being a real asshole. It’s been a hard month for me on a personal level. Let me make it up to you.
Fat chick: How?
My friend: If you calm down, I promise to deposit a #6 Combo from Wendy’s on your doorstep, no questions asked.

You’re a doodyface!

I wouldn’t fuck you with a stolen dick.
I wouldn’t fuck you with Nards dicks and ID pushing.

I fart in your general direction!

Monthy Python FTW.
“Yor mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries! I blow my nose at you, you son of a window dresser!”

1: Hey laser-lips, your mama was a snowblower. (1000 T-Nation points for spotting the reference)

[quote]OdysseusUnbound wrote:
1: Hey laser-lips, your mama was a snowblower. (1000 T-Nation points for spotting the reference)

That would be a direct quote from “Johnny-5” of Short Circuit fame.

Wonder what Johnny-5 is up to these days? Probably in an alleyway somewhere shooting smack.



My pecs are bigger than your tits.

Fight me, now.

[quote]PimpBot5000 wrote:

[quote]OdysseusUnbound wrote:
1: Hey laser-lips, your mama was a snowblower. (1000 T-Nation points for spotting the reference)

That would be a direct quote from “Johnny-5” of Short Circuit fame.

Wonder what Johnny-5 is up to these days? Probably in an alleyway somewhere shooting smack.[/quote]

My lovely assistant will deliver your T-Nation points post-haste.

I believe Johnny-5 will be a contestant on the next installment of “Dancing With the Stars”. It’s what I heard anyway…

2: Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

3: Fuck you, you’ll never be the man your mother was.

4: When you were a child your mother wanted to hire somebody to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

5: You should be the official poster child for abortion.

I can tell you’re circumcised cause I can see your ears.

you’re so ugly your dog has to close his eyes when he humps your leg.

last time I saw a face like yours was when I went fishing, but I can’t remember if it was the fish or the bait.

they won’t let you out on the water anymore cause the last time you went your reflection cracked the lake.

your mama’s so fat she has smaller fat people in orbit around her.

if brains were gas you wouldn’t have enough to drive a piss ants motorcycle half way around a BB.

was this already posted? cause some of these quotes are already in this thread? (monty python and short circuit)

If so I apologize in adnvance… if not then here ya go :slight_smile:

You so ugly, you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch going down.

Yo momma so black, when she gets outta da car, the oil light comes on.

You got a face like an open can of worms.

Your mother had consensual sex with Kim Jong Il and your father was raped by Osama bin Laden.

“I hope you get cancer” tends to shock people. Simple but incredibly harsh.

She’s so fat I took her to the beach and people kept asking me what kind of bait I used.
I looked up the family tree and found out you’re the sap.
When you were a kid and played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover you up.
When you go into the pet store, people ask the employees there how big you’ll get.
On Halloween the parents send their kids out dressed like you.
One time, I went into the hotel and asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up your mom.
Last week my tie caught fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
The priest told you to “love thy neighbor as you would yourself” so you jerked him off.
If it weren’t for pick pockets, you’d have no sex life at all.
I went out with your sister. She ain’t no bargain either; she showed up with pigtails under her armpits.
She’s so fat when she gets on the scale a card comes out saying one at a time.
She’s so fat that when guys have sex with her they have to ask for directions.
She’s so fat when I hit her with my car and she asked why I didn’t drive around her I said because I didn’t think I had enough gas.
She’s so ugly, she’s known as a two-bagger. One for her and one for you in case hers breaks.
She’s so fat when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She’s so ugly I took her to a dog show. She won.
She’s so ugly they use her in prison to cure sex offenders.
She’s so ugly that when two guys broke into her house she yelled rape and they yelled noooooooooo.
She’s so ugly she’s got a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
She’s so ugly she looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight.
There’s only one thing wrong with your face. It shows.
Your face could stop a sundial.
I heard you went to the bar and the bartender asked what you wanted and you said “surprise me” so he showed you a naked picture of your wife.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is and he dropped me off in front of your mom’s bedroom.
I heard you told your doctor that you feel like puking every morning when you wake up and look in the mirror. He said he didn’t know what was wrong but your eyesight is perfect.
When you were born the doctor turned you upside down and said “My God! Twins!”
She’s so stupid she looked at my calendar and wanted to know if I was cheating on her with June.