T Nation

Giving a Guy Your Phone Number Without Him Asking?


#103

In the past when any girl made the first move, I ran with it HARD because I knew she was going to give it up.


#104

I’m just worried about coming off as some kind of desperate person constantly starting everything.

It is definitely some thing I want to pursue, but what if he’s giving me not interested vibes by not messaging me and I’m being oblivious to it.

I dont care if I have to do all the work if he’s actually for sure interested in me.
But if he’s not then ill feel moronic


#105

LOL

Yes in this one instance I am confident he is a very straight man :stuck_out_tongue:


#106

Ok but then if I’m not to rush things , how do I know when to continue initiating and when to back off and see if he does something?


#107

that’s a legitimate thing to worry about. I would say that as long as he seems fully engaged and enthusiastic while you’re messaging/talking, things are good. If he starts giving you things like 1 word answers to everything, or doesn’t respond, you can pull back.

But remember not to get concerned if, say, you’re used to talking every day, and then a day goes by and you don’t. Don’t even ask him about it if that happens. Life gets in the way, people have bad days, whatever. Be cool about that kind of thing, he’ll likely appreciate it. As long as things generally have a positive tone, you should be fine.

I think you probably have poor instincts when it comes to this, hence your worry that maybe you’d read signs wrong, or be oblivious to his signals… To that I would say, just don’t worry about it. If he eventually gets bored, or irritated, or whatever, he’ll probably let you know. He’s responsible for communicating those things to you, it can’t be up to you to read his mind. If this thing gets to the point where you guys do start dating, or you start seeing him outside of work regularly, I would recommend communicating some of these things to him. Not right away, but eventually. Let him know that you’re not always the best at reading people’s interest level, and that sometimes your own excitement, or anxiety, can cloud your judgement. Honesty and openness are generally refreshing and appreciated. So is some level of vulnerability.

All of this is easier said than done, of course. But I think you can handle it.

last thing, since you posted again while I was typing:

initiate to your heart’s content, lol. Seriously, don’t be afraid to take the lead, until you’ve been explicitly told he’d prefer you to back off (which I don’t think will happen). Don’t be afraid to make moves out of the fear of rejection. Be willing to accept rejection if it happens. If he ‘just wants to take it slow’, it’s likely out of respect for you, or the belief that it’s what you want. If you’ve decided you’d like to pick up the pace, he’s probably going to be good with that. And if he’s not, and you guys can communicate well about why and figure out what each other DOES want, it will benefit you both anyway. That’s a win-win.


#108

This was extremely helpful
Thank you .


#109

It took about 2 months of me and my wife hanging out on Friday or Saturday nights for anything to solidify. 14 years ago.

All of the old quick bang stuff would run its course within 3-6 months.


#110

I only read the first part of this thread and the last few posts, but based on what I see this here makes sense. Continually pursuing someone who doesn’t call you or try to make plans or whatever is a waste of time, if you were a guy in that situation then I would say the girl is just trying to be nice. In your case, it could be the same thing or some guys would just keep you waiting for one lonely night when they need some attention. Unless that is what you want, it’s not worth continuing.

In general, I don’t see anything wrong with a girl asking for a guy’s phone number but the way you act outside of that is going to determine what happens. If you are looking for a relationship then don’t act overly eager for things to happen or it will seem like you probably do that with every guy you meet. And if the guy isn’t interested and says no then the worst thing that could happen is that he will just avoid talking to you, there is no male Metoo movement so I wouldn’t worry too much. The guys who act like that usually have some kind of issues anyway, if it was me I wouldn’t let it bother me and just continue like nothing had happened. Acting weird around someone who is interested in you is something that girls do, so if a guy is doing that then something is wrong.


#111

See I keep getting conflicted about this because I read your post and I read flips post and both of you make very valid points , and dammit I dont know what to do ahhhh


#112

The question is how many times did you contact him so far? This has only been going on for a week too so maybe contact him in a few days and see what happens, but generally speaking if someone never initiates anything it’s a sign that they aren’t interested.


#113

Generally.

I know that I seldom initiate contact but do appreciate when a girl does. And, I’m a big boy, can say no if I want.

I also know that I like to have my own space and communicate that to new friends so they don’t get weirded out when I go silent for a few days. I’m a bit of a freak in that I believe in reincarnation and a bunch of other weird shit, but I feel like I have eternity to work relationships out so I’m in no hurry. This is a recent development for me and it’s a nice change.

So Spock, patience is a virtue.


#114

Perhaps this:

Explains it.

Don’t worry, your guy is an enthusiastic participant. Listen to the guys who say they fit a similar profile and don’t worry about the ones who would have behaved differently from the start.


#115

Remember the days when texts would sometimes get stuck on the network then appear on your phone 2 days late?

I’m sure that was some dating guru network engineer who did that entirely for this purpose.

More relevant, if you have been doing all the ground work then he might feel that is how things work with you guys and he is having the same questions you are over this. Or perhaps he doesn’t want to seem over-eager. Or perhaps it’s games?

The point being you can’t get in his head to find out. The best you can do is act is accordance with your values and avoiding acting out of anxiety or fear of losing something you don’t actually have yet.

Do what you think is best. Do what you think your ideal self would do. If it falls over, do you really want to sacrifice the actions your ideal self would do for a relationship? That sounds like a bad scenario to be in.


#116

He’s cautious; that’s good trait in a potential partner.

It’s also annoying, as you are experiencing now.

My initial posit regarding him probably being super cautious about things due to HR hasn’t changed.

I suggest now you text him and ask if he wants to get a beer after work.


#117

Maybe I phrased things wrong, I mean hypothetically if you continue texting and calling this guy and everything sounds fine when you talk to him but he never contacts you, in that case it would not be worth continuing. At the moment you have been talking to this guy for a week so there is no use in jumping to any conclusions just yet, wait and see how things go.


#118

K I want to shoot myself lol

So I decided to be brave and send another message so of course it’s the same thing where he’s then very responsive, and makes conversation and asks questions .

Whatever vibes I was getting from the convo led me to feeling brave enough to bring up hanging out at some point again in the future.
So of course instead of replying in 30 seconds it goes to 30 minutes, and he kind of avoided giving me a yes or no response.

It wasnt like an awkward one word answer or a flat out no, but it wasn’t a yes either .

WTF
Why cant this just be easier !!!:cry:


#119

My tuppence worth.

You’ve either got to leave the fella alone to do his own thing in his own time or if you can’t do that then tell him the truth. Don’t fuck about. Be a sitting duck but at least he’ll know what you want and why so if he doesn’t come forward after that then he clearly isn’t who you imagine him to be.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Caveat: Affairs of the heart are a mystery to me, I know nothing about them. I’ve never been dumped and have been married forever.


#120

It’s time to move on. You gave it your best shot and apparently he is not that into it. Best not to waste anymore time or energy on this.


#121

I agree

:frowning:


#122

FTR, I hope to read and follow a similar thread from you in the future …

One where you’re just so full of unbridled optimism and hope when you meet the next awesome guy and I hope it works out better than this one…