I’ve been only browsing the site for feelings of embarrassment. I have a health condition that has caused embarrassing anxiety. I have ptsd, and until I started intensive therapy a few months ago, my emotions were out of control, and I couldn’t stop them from coming out in the “wrong”way at the “wrong time. In the past I know I’ve come off as angry. I didn’t mean to be , but I’d start arguments or keep one going. I would argue even just to argue over things that made no sense, and it’s because I’d become volatile due to panicking feelings which I shouldn’t have, over things that don’t matter or maybe they do, but only in that moment not in the bigger picture. I hated it!
When I would get angry I’d internalize it and would end up coming out in outbursts of misplaced anger. I end up snapping at people when they’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve tried to apologize before without going into medical details. But I truly apologize for lashing out at people because I honestly didn’t know I was doing it.
Since this is a confession thread, I’ll be honest. I was on antipsychotics to help with my condition because my subconscious hates me. However, after taking these meds, I was told I was epileptic and having seizures. I wanted to die so badly because my whole world had been turned upside down. My will to live shows as you might remember, into anorexia. I wanted to die. This went on far to long. Finally, I was properly diagnosed and had acquired long qts from the meds my dr was prescribing Google if needed. I was in the hospital for two months. After leaving the hospital, I went on a hardcore workout routine. However, that’s when I started posting. At the time I had childhood ptsd, and ptsd from my aborted heart attacks that had been incorrectly called seizures. I had so much anger. I took it out on people like @Christian_Thibaudeau and countless others.
I was put on benzos to help; however, they made things worse. So here I am volatility in check, and apologizing for my behavior. Being angry was easier than dealing with my issues. Now I’m stable and recovering from fractured ribs, and want to say again, I’m sorry.
I hope if anyone else suffers from a mental illness, they feel safe here. I did but feel very embarrassed now. This isn’t easy to type, but I wasn’t just a fucked up troll, but I was truly suffering and using the world as my punching bag.
Thank you all who take the time to read this,