T Nation

Girlgotguns Confession Thread


#1

Hey guys,
I’ve been only browsing the site for feelings of embarrassment. I have a health condition that has caused embarrassing anxiety. I have ptsd, and until I started intensive therapy a few months ago, my emotions were out of control, and I couldn’t stop them from coming out in the “wrong”way at the “wrong time. In the past I know I’ve come off as angry. I didn’t mean to be , but I’d start arguments or keep one going. I would argue even just to argue over things that made no sense, and it’s because I’d become volatile due to panicking feelings which I shouldn’t have, over things that don’t matter or maybe they do, but only in that moment not in the bigger picture. I hated it!

When I would get angry I’d internalize it and would end up coming out in outbursts of misplaced anger. I end up snapping at people when they’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve tried to apologize before without going into medical details. But I truly apologize for lashing out at people because I honestly didn’t know I was doing it.

Since this is a confession thread, I’ll be honest. I was on antipsychotics to help with my condition because my subconscious hates me. However, after taking these meds, I was told I was epileptic and having seizures. I wanted to die so badly because my whole world had been turned upside down. My will to live shows as you might remember, into anorexia. I wanted to die. This went on far to long. Finally, I was properly diagnosed and had acquired long qts from the meds my dr was prescribing Google if needed. I was in the hospital for two months. After leaving the hospital, I went on a hardcore workout routine. However, that’s when I started posting. At the time I had childhood ptsd, and ptsd from my aborted heart attacks that had been incorrectly called seizures. I had so much anger. I took it out on people like @Christian_Thibaudeau and countless others.

I was put on benzos to help; however, they made things worse. So here I am volatility in check, and apologizing for my behavior. Being angry was easier than dealing with my issues. Now I’m stable and recovering from fractured ribs, and want to say again, I’m sorry.

I hope if anyone else suffers from a mental illness, they feel safe here. I did but feel very embarrassed now. This isn’t easy to type, but I wasn’t just a fucked up troll, but I was truly suffering and using the world as my punching bag.

Thank you all who take the time to read this, :hugs:
Guns


#2

Go Guns, keep on getting better.

Best wishes

A12


#3

Thanks for the support :hugs:


#4

Good on you, wish we could all admit when we were dicks for one reason or another. Thanks for your honesty, and good luck as you continue to grow through this.


#5

Sometimes ya got to vent, mental health affects us all, I know, all to well, good on you for accepting, apologising and moving on


#6

Thnx…acceptance is a bitch. Having to humble myself and apologize to those I’ve wronged isn’t easy especially when people don’t see my sincerity or continue treating me as if I’ll be a volatile bitch. I can only accept my role and forgive myself if others don’t


#7

Ty for the well wishes. Had therapy right before thanksgiving to ensure I’m prepared.


#8

I hope you stick around.


#9

Thnx for posting that :hugs:. I actually requested my account be deleted because I felt I’d shared too much. It hasn’t been, yet, and I’m not sure what I want at the moment. Fresh start, heh? Nah, I’m trying to live life on life’s terms, and tbh talking to others with mental illnesses, i find a bit difficult. I’m not hating, I swear, but it appears that many either have meds or lack the motivation to work out. When I explain my workout routines to my dr, she raises her eyebrow and asks questions on how I push myself to lift. It’s simple, I want to be alive and healthy with body armor to protect me. Allowing my illness to run my life, isn’t living, and too few get that. I suffer but doesn’t mean that it must define me. Ty, again


#10

Word.


#11

We all have problems, some of us worse than others. At least you are strong enough to face it and talk about it.


#12

Yes, I’m fully aware that others struggle, too. I’m not seeking validation, but forgiveness cuz I was one volatile mtf to others. I actually thought as I said earlier, deleting post, but eh, whatever good or bad, or nothing comes of it, it makes me have closure. Now that I’ve on site a bit more, I see new faces and others have lett. Transitioning is part of life, I’m just glad I didn’t end mine. Right now I’m trying to figure out what I want to bring to thanksgiving, and for the first time, I’m attending where I choose to go and feel no paranoia about the outcome. I’m actually looking forward to the holidays, damn. Progress :hugs:


#13

Hope your feeling better about everything


#14

I’m bipolar. Before being diagnosed and medicated, I used to spend hours arguing here. I would stay up all night ruminating about stupid shit someone said here, and get out of bed at like 3 in the morning to respond. Thank God for atypical anti-psychotics.


#15

Ty, it sucks sometimes when your subconscious takes over, and then you are like shit, my past traumas have really messed up my brain😰


#16

Crap, yeah I just don’t know why my brain works the way it does. It’s mtf frustrating. Ty for understanding.


#17

if none of us had issues, then we wouldnt need this site, a well stocked gym, and alcohol.

hang in there, GGG - good times are ahead~

Edgy


#18

Thanks, your post made me chuckle :rofl:. Better than a cackle :wink:.


#19

I’m the same, my head just cocks everything up sometimes