T Nation

Girlfriend Wants to Get Married, Dilemma

If you don’t want to get married, you don’t get married. You, sir, do not want to get married. Own it and let her know on no uncertain terms.

Sure you love her and you want her to be happy. Why does that mean you have to marry her? Fulfilling her marriage fantasy is not your role. It is, however, her role to conform her fantasies with reality.

You are both 24. Why not just enjoy each other’s company?

Unfortunately, she will likely react poorly to your giving her ultimatum the middle finger. Once again, however, this is not your concern. If she wants to bully or guilt you into marriage, she was the wrong girl all along.

Stand up for yourself. Be prepared to see her pout. Be better than her bullshit.

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]imhungry wrote:

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]imhungry wrote:

Did you tell her this?[/quote]

I’ve told her yes that I can see us being married in the near future, within the next year. She wants more of a solid answer than that. I can’t be more sure than that. [/quote]

If you’re being truly honest with her and yourself, then she needs to decide if she can wait until next year. Or, you start looking at rings now.

If not, then she moves on.[/quote]

This more or less sums up what my options are right now. I really don’t know if she would hold on for a year, which really makes me question her resolve and dedication to our relationship. In the scheme of a lifetime together, what’s a year?
I have already been looking at rings, I understand you were using that metaphorically but it’s not like I am just running her around with saying “oh next year, next year, next year”. I am serious. I just don’t want it now. Simple as that. [/quote]

At the same time, it’s been 5 years. That’s an eternity for many women.

Neither of you are wrong with what you want.

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]harrypotter wrote:

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:
Hey so my girlfriend of 5 years whom I love very much is really pushing to get married. Yesterday. That kind of pressure. Keep in mind we are both 24. Have had some ups and downs in our relationship. We share a dog, apartment and a lot of other random shit. Not that that really matters in this.

To those who have been in the situation of not wanting to get married, what’s the play here. It has gotten to the point of an ultimatum almost of marry her or be single.

I just don’t want to get married right now. It’s not her, it’s just the activity. I don’t wanna.

TL:DR GF of 5 years wants to get married ASAP, I don’t. Thoughts?[/quote]

A woman who you supposedly love and cherish demands marriage?

Sounds like a typical “I want to be a princess” for one day and not really understand that marriage is a life long institution.

Oh and I laughed at the “we share a dog and apartment” part. There is a saying where you keep your best friend the dog and let the bitch have the house.

Quite suitable to your situation as I believe it will end in divorce come your late 20s. Will Fido be alive then?
[/quote]

Fido aka Tozza will probably still be alive then, she’s just a pup now. I would fight to the end for that little bugger. [/quote]

Then love that lill bugger because he will be your go-to buddy when your GF stops the blowjobs and proceeds with the divorce.

[quote]ovalpline wrote:
If you don’t want to get married, you don’t get married. You, sir, do not want to get married. Own it and let her know on no uncertain terms.

Sure you love her and you want her to be happy. Why does that mean you have to marry her? Fulfilling her marriage fantasy is not your role. It is, however, her role to conform her fantasies with reality.

You are both 24. Why not just enjoy each other’s company?

Unfortunately, she will likely react poorly to your giving her ultimatum the middle finger. Once again, however, this is not your concern. If she wants to bully or guilt you into marriage, she was the wrong girl all along.

Stand up for yourself. Be prepared to see her pout. Be better than her bullshit.[/quote]

See and this is exactly how I feel. That’s the conversation I expect to have tonight that I’m not looking forward to. I don’t want to break up with her at all, but the fact of the matter is, if that’s what she is putting on the table, she has other priorities rather than me.

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]ovalpline wrote:
If you don’t want to get married, you don’t get married. You, sir, do not want to get married. Own it and let her know on no uncertain terms.

Sure you love her and you want her to be happy. Why does that mean you have to marry her? Fulfilling her marriage fantasy is not your role. It is, however, her role to conform her fantasies with reality.

You are both 24. Why not just enjoy each other’s company?

Unfortunately, she will likely react poorly to your giving her ultimatum the middle finger. Once again, however, this is not your concern. If she wants to bully or guilt you into marriage, she was the wrong girl all along.

Stand up for yourself. Be prepared to see her pout. Be better than her bullshit.[/quote]

See and this is exactly how I feel. That’s the conversation I expect to have tonight that I’m not looking forward to. I don’t want to break up with her at all, but the fact of the matter is, if that’s what she is putting on the table, she has other priorities rather than me. [/quote]

Is it me or do I just fail to understand why a man should dread returning home because he will face his womans wrath?

If you are unhappy about returning home to her when she has a bee in her bonnet then what will happen when you are married to her?

At least being gf/bf ensures the power is not all in her ball park.

[quote]harrypotter wrote:

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]ovalpline wrote:
If you don’t want to get married, you don’t get married. You, sir, do not want to get married. Own it and let her know on no uncertain terms.

Sure you love her and you want her to be happy. Why does that mean you have to marry her? Fulfilling her marriage fantasy is not your role. It is, however, her role to conform her fantasies with reality.

You are both 24. Why not just enjoy each other’s company?

Unfortunately, she will likely react poorly to your giving her ultimatum the middle finger. Once again, however, this is not your concern. If she wants to bully or guilt you into marriage, she was the wrong girl all along.

Stand up for yourself. Be prepared to see her pout. Be better than her bullshit.[/quote]

See and this is exactly how I feel. That’s the conversation I expect to have tonight that I’m not looking forward to. I don’t want to break up with her at all, but the fact of the matter is, if that’s what she is putting on the table, she has other priorities rather than me. [/quote]

Is it me or do I just fail to understand why a man should dread returning home because he will face his womans wrath?

If you are unhappy about returning home to her when she has a bee in her bonnet then what will happen when you are married to her?

At least being gf/bf ensures the power is not all in her ball park.

[/quote]

I don’t think you need to read more into my comment of not wanting to have that conversation than the face value of the comment. I just don’t want to have that conversation because it will ruin my night most likely.

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]harrypotter wrote:

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]ovalpline wrote:
If you don’t want to get married, you don’t get married. You, sir, do not want to get married. Own it and let her know on no uncertain terms.

Sure you love her and you want her to be happy. Why does that mean you have to marry her? Fulfilling her marriage fantasy is not your role. It is, however, her role to conform her fantasies with reality.

You are both 24. Why not just enjoy each other’s company?

Unfortunately, she will likely react poorly to your giving her ultimatum the middle finger. Once again, however, this is not your concern. If she wants to bully or guilt you into marriage, she was the wrong girl all along.

Stand up for yourself. Be prepared to see her pout. Be better than her bullshit.[/quote]

See and this is exactly how I feel. That’s the conversation I expect to have tonight that I’m not looking forward to. I don’t want to break up with her at all, but the fact of the matter is, if that’s what she is putting on the table, she has other priorities rather than me. [/quote]

Is it me or do I just fail to understand why a man should dread returning home because he will face his womans wrath?

If you are unhappy about returning home to her when she has a bee in her bonnet then what will happen when you are married to her?

At least being gf/bf ensures the power is not all in her ball park.

[/quote]

I just don’t want to have that conversation because it will ruin my night most likely. [/quote]
Yes it will. I’ve been there a couple of times.

Just make sure you’re doing the right thing, first.

[quote]imhungry wrote:

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:
That’s the thing. I could easily see us getting engaged next year. I just started a new job and we just moved into this place, so I want a bit of normal and stability before I pop the question. I also just really don’t like the pressuring from her on the subject. [/quote]

Did you tell her this?[/quote]

Weird I was going to reply those exact words then I scrolled down 1 and read what I was thinking.

Ask her what is more important, spending the rest of her life with you or getting married. You know the correct answer to that question, and if she really means it you have nothing to worry about by waiting another year, unless she lied.

And seriously if a year is too long for her do you think its logical to break up with you and find another guy to marry in less than 1 year?

[quote]sufiandy wrote:
Ask her what is more important, spending the rest of her life with you or getting married. You know the correct answer to that question, and if she really means it you have nothing to worry about by waiting another year, unless she lied.

And seriously if a year is too long for her do you think its logical to break up with you and find another guy to marry in less than 1 year?[/quote]

It’s absolutely not logical. That’s why all of this just continues to make no sense to me. Doesn’t help that her sister just got engaged after knowing the guy for 3 months. She swears it’s got nothing to do with that though. Of course.

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]sufiandy wrote:
Ask her what is more important, spending the rest of her life with you or getting married. You know the correct answer to that question, and if she really means it you have nothing to worry about by waiting another year, unless she lied.

And seriously if a year is too long for her do you think its logical to break up with you and find another guy to marry in less than 1 year?[/quote]

It’s absolutely not logical. That’s why all of this just continues to make no sense to me. Doesn’t help that her sister just got engaged after knowing the guy for 3 months. She swears it’s got nothing to do with that though. Of course. [/quote]

Not that this is terribly relevant, but is she Jewish?

(I ask this because I grew up Catholic and am converting – Modern Orthodox – in no small part because I love my fiance, who is Jewish. Took me all of a month to realize I want to spend my life with her. She’s pretty goal oriented, and wasn’t going to hang around past the one-night-stand that started it all, if it wasn’t likely for us to get married.)

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]sufiandy wrote:
Ask her what is more important, spending the rest of her life with you or getting married. You know the correct answer to that question, and if she really means it you have nothing to worry about by waiting another year, unless she lied.

And seriously if a year is too long for her do you think its logical to break up with you and find another guy to marry in less than 1 year?[/quote]

It’s absolutely not logical. That’s why all of this just continues to make no sense to me. Doesn’t help that her sister just got engaged after knowing the guy for 3 months. She swears it’s got nothing to do with that though. Of course. [/quote]

Not that this is terribly relevant, but is she Jewish?

(I ask this because I grew up Catholic and am converting – Modern Orthodox – in no small part because I love my fiance, who is Jewish. Took me all of a month to realize I want to spend my life with her. She’s pretty goal oriented, and wasn’t going to hang around past the one-night-stand that started it all, if it wasn’t likely for us to get married.)[/quote]

Nope, I’m the only Jew. Not a very practicing or strict one though. She isn’t really religious either. Never been to church in the time we have been together.

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:

[quote]sufiandy wrote:
Ask her what is more important, spending the rest of her life with you or getting married. You know the correct answer to that question, and if she really means it you have nothing to worry about by waiting another year, unless she lied.

And seriously if a year is too long for her do you think its logical to break up with you and find another guy to marry in less than 1 year?[/quote]

It’s absolutely not logical. That’s why all of this just continues to make no sense to me. Doesn’t help that her sister just got engaged after knowing the guy for 3 months. She swears it’s got nothing to do with that though. Of course. [/quote]

Not that this is terribly relevant, but is she Jewish?

(I ask this because I grew up Catholic and am converting – Modern Orthodox – in no small part because I love my fiance, who is Jewish. Took me all of a month to realize I want to spend my life with her. She’s pretty goal oriented, and wasn’t going to hang around past the one-night-stand that started it all, if it wasn’t likely for us to get married.)[/quote]

Nope, I’m the only Jew. Not a very practicing or strict one though. She isn’t really religious either. Never been to church in the time we have been together. [/quote]

Is it “I want to marry you, but now’s not the right time”?

Or is it “I don’t know if I want to marry you [yet]”?

Obviously no need to answer that publicly. But it might be worth checking in with yourself on that.

[quote]Jewbacca wrote:

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:
Hey so my girlfriend of 5 years whom I love very much is really pushing to get married. Yesterday. That kind of pressure. Keep in mind we are both 24. Have had some ups and downs in our relationship. We share a dog, apartment and a lot of other random shit. Not that that really matters in this.

To those who have been in the situation of not wanting to get married, what’s the play here. It has gotten to the point of an ultimatum almost of marry her or be single.

I just don’t want to get married right now. It’s not her, it’s just the activity. I don’t wanna.

TL:DR GF of 5 years wants to get married ASAP, I don’t. Thoughts?[/quote]

Be a real man and let her go.

Or be a real man and marry her.

But stringing her along is not honorable. 24 is old enough to be married.[/quote]

This is exactly my opinion. And…

[quote]jewishthunder wrote:
That’s the thing. I could easily see us getting engaged next year. I just started a new job and we just moved into this place, so I want a bit of normal and stability before I pop the question. I also just really don’t like the pressuring from her on the subject. [/quote]

…and I can’t believe no one thinks this is as pathetic as I do. This sounds like normal life to me. If these things are too much to handle then you shouldn’t get married because you can’t handle shit.

…and you are stringing her along. She’s in her prime years for attracting a mate and she’s running the risk that you are using them up while being noncommittal. Five years is enough to know and there’s no reason why later is any better than now.

…and LOL @ TTR getting married! Haha, just kidding TTR, congrats.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

Run.

If you submit to her ultimatum THIS time, it will set a precedent. She may WANT you to say, “OK, let’s get married”. But in reality, she will lose respect for you and will subconsciously see you for the pushover you would be (for letting a woman brow-beat you into making a life changing decision before YOU are ready). IMHO, you will spend the rest of your miserable life compromising what’s important to you for what’s important to HER. AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Even if you WANT to marry her now, tell her “no” right now and propose to her in a few months. Just so she knows that she isn’t running the show or driving YOUR decisions. You are the fucking MAN. Act like one. YOUR life is YOUR path. She is welcome to walk YOUR path with you. If she successfully takes you off YOUR path, she has effectively castrated you - you may as well cut your own nuts off, put them in a mason jar for her to display on the mantle. Make no mistake about it, this is a shit test and she’s playing for keeps. If you play, you lose. ULTIMATUM = DEAL BREAKER TO MEN WITH SELF ESTEEM AND MATURE BOUNDARIES. YOU CAN DO BETTER.

RUN.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

[quote]pushharder wrote:
AC to the rescue.[/quote]

Shit just got real.

LOL! Uncle AC…